Over the past few days Iíve come to realize a lot of different things and Iíve realized that Iíve put otherís before myself and Iíve forgotten what it is to think about me and what I want, not only for myself but out of my own life.
A few days ago I posted that I realized that I didnít really have a family outside of my husband and step daughter and thatís not totally true I realize today. Today I realize that I forgot that I do have my father. But, sadly itís hard for him to be a part of my life like he wants to be when my step-mom has dementia and heís facing being homeless himself when she goes into a home. Our government here doesnít seem to care that he relies on her income in order to pay for the house and pay the bills and keep a roof over his own head. So, when she goes into a home, heís not going to have a home to live in either.
And today doesnít help matters. I logged into my bank account to make sure that my husbandís pay check was in the account so we could go to the bank to get our rent out and I found out that it wasnít there. And when I told him that he needs to find out whatís going on, instead of understanding where I was coming from, he jumps down my throat and start yelling at me. As I sit here typing this, I still donít know if heís coming back, I donít know if at the end of the day weíre going to have a roof over our heads, I feel like my entire world is up in the air and thereís nothing I can do to change it.
It doesnít help when he knows full well the kind of pain that I live in, that my medication only does so much to help me get through the day and he gets mad at me when I donít help clean up the house all the time, I donít do everything that he wants me to do, and heís even more upset that I will never work again and I am fighting with WCB Sask to get my benefits back and then I can sue 7-11, a lawsuit that could have been avoided if they had just paid me my settlement like they were supposed to a month ago.
And in all this, Iíve realized that I am so stressed and so worried about everyone else, that Iím not thinking about me, about my own health and what I want for myself and out of my life.
I want better than this for my life. I want to be treated with love and respect. I want to be with someone who understands how I feel and wants to understand what itís like to live in my shoes and who understands that I do my best each and every day and just because I canít contribute to my house hold in a financial way, doesnít mean that I donít do other things to help. I donít want to be made to feel like I am the issue and that for the last seven years thatís all Iíve been is the biggest issue out there. I doubt that my husband will be back today, heís already told his kids that heís leaving me and that heís just trying to figure out how heís going to get a bus ticket back to Regina.
For my life I want to keep on writing, I want to see my books published, but more than that, I want to become a motivational speaker. I want to give people hope and support to know that they can get through the pain, they can survive CRPS and I want to share not only my story with people in a public way off line, I want to share my story with them face to face where I can share my story, how I survive day to day and how I found God through all this.
My faith in God over the last seven years has grown and I feel closer to God now than I did all those years ago that I gave myself to God. I know every day I walk with him, some days I have to roll with him pushing my chair and then there are those days when I have to let him carry me through the day.
I may have very few people around me who care about what happens to me and where I go, I know that those who have stood by me and who have loved and supported me are the ones who God wants me to have in my life and I feel blessed for the people that I have in my life. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, and my sister may have turned their backs on me and I may have lost my husband, but I havenít lost my earthly father and I havenít lost my father in heaven.
Through all the trials and tribulations that I have to face this week, I havenít given up. I will get through this. I could have given up seven years ago when I was first diagnosed with CRPS but I didnít. I decided that I would push on and fight this disease. And even though things have gotten hard for me this week, Iíve been in a lot of pain and Iíve had a lot to deal with, Iím not going to let this defeat me either. The day is going to come when I have my WCB benefits back, when 7-11 has finally paid me the settlement that I deserve and my life is one that can be comfortable for me here on earth till I return to all the family that Iíve lost and my earthly suffering is over and I no longer feel any pain.
Will we surviveÖ.I donít know sometimes. But, I know that today is not the day that I am going to give up.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW
Read more articles by Brita Skinner or search for articles on the same topic or others.