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What Do I Want?
by Brita Skinner
Not For Sale
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Over the past few days Iíve come to realize a lot of different things and Iíve realized that Iíve put otherís before myself and Iíve forgotten what it is to think about me and what I want, not only for myself but out of my own life.
A few days ago I posted that I realized that I didnít really have a family outside of my husband and step daughter and thatís not totally true I realize today. Today I realize that I forgot that I do have my father. But, sadly itís hard for him to be a part of my life like he wants to be when my step-mom has dementia and heís facing being homeless himself when she goes into a home. Our government here doesnít seem to care that he relies on her income in order to pay for the house and pay the bills and keep a roof over his own head. So, when she goes into a home, heís not going to have a home to live in either.
And today doesnít help matters. I logged into my bank account to make sure that my husbandís pay check was in the account so we could go to the bank to get our rent out and I found out that it wasnít there. And when I told him that he needs to find out whatís going on, instead of understanding where I was coming from, he jumps down my throat and start yelling at me. As I sit here typing this, I still donít know if heís coming back, I donít know if at the end of the day weíre going to have a roof over our heads, I feel like my entire world is up in the air and thereís nothing I can do to change it.
It doesnít help when he knows full well the kind of pain that I live in, that my medication only does so much to help me get through the day and he gets mad at me when I donít help clean up the house all the time, I donít do everything that he wants me to do, and heís even more upset that I will never work again and I am fighting with WCB Sask to get my benefits back and then I can sue 7-11, a lawsuit that could have been avoided if they had just paid me my settlement like they were supposed to a month ago.
And in all this, Iíve realized that I am so stressed and so worried about everyone else, that Iím not thinking about me, about my own health and what I want for myself and out of my life.
I want better than this for my life. I want to be treated with love and respect. I want to be with someone who understands how I feel and wants to understand what itís like to live in my shoes and who understands that I do my best each and every day and just because I canít contribute to my house hold in a financial way, doesnít mean that I donít do other things to help. I donít want to be made to feel like I am the issue and that for the last seven years thatís all Iíve been is the biggest issue out there. I doubt that my husband will be back today, heís already told his kids that heís leaving me and that heís just trying to figure out how heís going to get a bus ticket back to Regina.
For my life I want to keep on writing, I want to see my books published, but more than that, I want to become a motivational speaker. I want to give people hope and support to know that they can get through the pain, they can survive CRPS and I want to share not only my story with people in a public way off line, I want to share my story with them face to face where I can share my story, how I survive day to day and how I found God through all this.
My faith in God over the last seven years has grown and I feel closer to God now than I did all those years ago that I gave myself to God. I know every day I walk with him, some days I have to roll with him pushing my chair and then there are those days when I have to let him carry me through the day.
I may have very few people around me who care about what happens to me and where I go, I know that those who have stood by me and who have loved and supported me are the ones who God wants me to have in my life and I feel blessed for the people that I have in my life. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, and my sister may have turned their backs on me and I may have lost my husband, but I havenít lost my earthly father and I havenít lost my father in heaven.
Through all the trials and tribulations that I have to face this week, I havenít given up. I will get through this. I could have given up seven years ago when I was first diagnosed with CRPS but I didnít. I decided that I would push on and fight this disease. And even though things have gotten hard for me this week, Iíve been in a lot of pain and Iíve had a lot to deal with, Iím not going to let this defeat me either. The day is going to come when I have my WCB benefits back, when 7-11 has finally paid me the settlement that I deserve and my life is one that can be comfortable for me here on earth till I return to all the family that Iíve lost and my earthly suffering is over and I no longer feel any pain.
Will we surviveÖ.I donít know sometimes. But, I know that today is not the day that I am going to give up.

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