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Welcome To Planet Analtopia
by Jonathan Rayne
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I believe it is time to go Gay.

… No, not Gay as an individual choice, but Gay as a collective one. It is high time the entire planet goes Gay.

Why, you ask. The reasons should be obvious. Gay has become courageous and cool and celebrated. Since Gay has come out it has become so IN. By comparison, hackneyed institutions such as heterosexuality, the Boy Scouts, weird religious people who actually practice what they preach, and mothers and fathers who get married and stay married have become so passé, so yesterday, so very OUT. (Please make note that I’ve excluded pre-marital and extra-marital heterosexuality. I wouldn’t want to incur the wrath of any family values Pharisee whose extramarital fornication is exposed so he can boast of God’s forgiveness while awaiting an invitation to deliver the keynote address at the next Values Voters Summit, fifteen year old girls using the morning after pill without their parents’ consent, assuming their parents give a damn, and high school football stars).

I hereby proclaim it is time to spread the Gospel of Gay. Instead of “make the world go away”, lets just “make the world go gay”. Gay, after all, is Good!

Imagine it … our planet populated by billions of people … all of them Gay.

First of all, Earth will have to be renamed. I suggest Analtopia.  Two geographical entities will be recognized: the northern hemisphere which will be called The Continent of Lingula, Land of the Lesbian, and the southern hemisphere which will be called The Continent of Dupa, Land of the Gay.   

The very thought of it … a planet without heterosexuals. Rape will disappear (well, maybe not). There will be no more unwanted pregnancies, no more extramarital affairs (well, maybe not), no more First Ladies, at least not in the traditional sense, no more Miss America contests, at least not in the traditional sense, and, after many decades of publication, Playboy magazine will change its name to Gayboy and publish double-sided centerfolds. The Defense of Gay Marriage Act (DOGMA) will become the law of the land. Gay proms will be all the rage as will mixed-gender gay with lesbian gay proms. Marriage between a man and a woman will be reclassified as a Hate Crime. The National Football League will be banned for its obsessive machismo and violence, replaced by a gentler version (“hey, Bruce, check out the pecs on that cheerleader”).

Any Human caught engaging in illegal heterosexual behavior will be ruled insane and committed to an institution for psychiatric “evaluation”. During confinement, the patient will undergo rehabilitation consisting of unrestricted viewing of gay porn tapes and highlight films of past San Francisco Gay Pride parades before a final “re-evaluation” is made.

After millennia of bigotry, exclusion and human strife, the world will finally achieve a pure state of Tolerance, Inclusion and Diversity.

Of course, there will be a side-effect to this transformation: eventually, there won’t be any more humans, either. Keep in mind this assumes the unlikelihood of any gays or lesbians experiencing an epiphany and willingly engaging in something as horrifyingly repugnant as heterosexual copulation.

Imagine it … a world where the Human Race has become extinct. Though many would consider this to be catastrophic, some will benefit from it …

The United Nations Council on Overpopulation, Sustainability and Biological Diversity, the Harvard University School of Malthusian Studies, the Peter Singer Society for the Advancement of Biogenetic Diversity, Tolerance, and Infanticide among many others, will be greatly relieved of the burden of living human beings. The Ted Turner Crowd, as many refer to those who wish to eliminate much of Earth’s population, excluding themselves, of course, will have achieved their Suicide by Extinction.

With Mankind eliminated, the environmentalists will have, at last, triumphed. Absent humanity to pollute, spew, waste, dump and, well, dump, the planet will be rid of pollution, becoming greener than it has ever been. Unfortunately, concurrent with the end of Man will be the demise of MacDonald’s and Burger King and Wendy’s and White Castle and several hundred thousand other franchised and independent burger joints. Combined with the death of the sport of bullfighting, the bovine population of Earth will explode. After some time, the planet will become overpopulated with cattle farting untold tons of methane into the sky, leading to the looming crisis of cattle-made climate change. Moreover, without the need for fertilizers, land will be strewn with copious amounts of steaming cowpies, all of them spewing more methane as they cook beneath the afternoon sun. Those poor environmentalists … even when they win, they lose.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (P.E.T.A.) will also achieve a resounding victory. Without humans to hunt or fish or experiment or commit road kill, no animal will ever be eaten again (except by another animal). P.E.T.A. will have created its ideal world: one without zoos or hot dog eating contests or Raid … a world without meatloaf or Spam.

The un-population of the world will affect politics, as well. Right-wingers will be overjoyed because there won’t be any left-wingers alive. Left-wingers will be overjoyed because there won’t be any right-wingers alive. Finally, a political dialogue will be established in the spirit of compromise leading to an agreement beneficial to both sides!

So, there you have it, folks. A pristine world absent of any problems and we can thank Gaydom for it. (Please note that I have excluded consideration of bi-sexuals, the transgendered, the sexually confused, eunuchs, pedophiles, beastialitites, hermaphrodites, polygamists, celibacites, onanites, those who flip-flop from one gender to another on a whim, cross dressers, drag queens, people who have sex with inanimate objects or blow-up dolls, butches, dykes, drag kings, and Lord knows what else. I deeply apologize for this oversight and, in the spirit of Inclusion, plead guilty to the crimes of Bisexualphobia, Transgendephobia, Pedophilophobia, Beastialiphobia, Hermaphrophobia, Dragophobia, etc, etc, etc. If there are any phobias I may have omitted, I am guilty of them, too).

Oh, I revel in the glory of it! … a world inhabited only by animals living in harmony with each other, except when they’re hungry or during mating season when males fight each other for, can you believe this, females; A world where mountains soar to the sky, never to be conquered; A world without noise and next door neighbors and nosy relatives; A world without the Kardashians and Lindsay Lohan … and best of all, a world without reality TV.

Imagine it … A world without humanity ... a world without … (shout) INSANITY!


If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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