Ups and Downs
Have you ever found yourself filled with confidence one day and a complete basket case the next? I can't say I have wild swings that way, but I am often amazed that I can exchange those states at all. I suspect I am speaking the language of women here. Emotional swings seem to be found more in our make-up than in that of our male counterparts'.
Neverthe less, I'm still surprised when I find myself full of self-doubt and something else that I would not exactly label self-loathing, but perhaps something close to that. It involves disappointing myself. I want to do better, be better. Maybe it is frustration at my weaknesses. Perhaps it is a realistic acknowledgement of my sinful state. Maybe it is a selfish self-pity, a "poor me" whine. I'm not sure.
I have been blessed (I think) with a healthy self-esteem. It really has to do with a healthy "Christ-esteem". Knowing that I am loved by God, no matter what, just as I am (in Christ) solves a lot of the angst for me. Also, I am not particularly concerned about what others think about be. I learned long ago that I am a mere blip on the screen of other people's lives. Comparing oneself with others is often at the root of a lot of people's poor self-image. Still, the way we learn to understand our world requires a certain amount of "measuring up" so to speak, so maybe that is inevitable.
Fighting jealous feelings is not one of my big concerns, perhaps because I have always understood that if I want what someone else has it is a complete package, ie. if I want their blessings I have to take on their problems as well. I don't get to simply pluck out the good parts of other people's lives and blithly add them to my own. I have to give up my good things in order to have theirs. I have way too many things I am not willing to give up in my life to trade for another's. Also, I know how to deal with my problems, I for sure don't want theirs!
I think there is a book out there called Emotional Intelligence. I suppose I could read it, and learn something that would give me better understanding of this sometines irrational state.