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Signs youre in an abusive Relationship Is it Gods will for us to stay?
by Author Carmen Love
03/10/13
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Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. God is your creator; He is the only one who should have complete control over your life.

A person who really loves you will want you to be all that God wants you to be, opposed to what they want you to be. It is never the will of God for a man or woman to be controlled or abused by anyone. God is faithful and will show us signs we reference as red flags to protect us from treading down a dangerous path of violence, a path that ultimately leads to death, physical or spiritual. We have been born with a very sophisticated alarm system that cannot be duplicated by man. It is a divine instinctual bell that chimes on the inside of us, warning us of pending danger. We need to trust that. If you have a feeling that something is not right with a person, pay close attention. This may be Gods way of ending a great tragedy before it begins.

One of the biggest red flags is a person who tries to rush you into a relationship or talks about marriage when you first meet or during the chat over the phone. They are very pushy about moving the relationship along as fast as possible. The message they are really conveying is, I want to snare you before anyone else does.They have already made up their mind that you belong to them and no one else can have you. Its all about power and control.

Psalm 139:13-14 ESV For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Name Calling: Abusive people will call you names, put you down, and belittle you. They will insult you and try to convince you that youre worthless. When you react angrily, they state they were just joking or tease that you just cant take a joke. They try to embarrass you and make you feel stupid, so that your self-esteem is damaged, diminishing your confidence. This form of cruelty is oftentimes accepted especially if you have a family history of violence or if someone made you feel this way in early childhood years. It is simply a repeat of the past and becomes a self- fulfilled prophecy when you marry this type of person. Theres an old saying, We marry our parents.

This kind of abuse is like awakening a sleeping giant. It forces us to go back into our past and prayerfully allow God to heal old wounds. You can never resolve the conflict you had in your earlier years with the person youre in a relationship with in your adult years, and most likely, the person youre in a relationship with now, has similar qualities of the person who hurt you. If you are accustomed to being treated like a dog, eventually you will perform like one, and the master will be holding the leash nice and tight to prevent you from escaping.

1 Corinthians 13:4 KJV: Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.

Youre Not Wearing That! Controls how you dress or tells you how much money you can or cannot spend. The abuser will punish you by controlling your spending habits. They may give you an allowance or scold you when they think youve spent too much. The premise behind controlling how you dress is to make sure you are as unattractive as possible. Their greatest fear is that someone will notice you, take your attention away from them, and they will be abandoned. Another reason is, you become a show piece. Youre in their life only to make them look good, and your feelings are meaningless. Their false sense of self- worth is very skewed, and they have convinced themselves that having a supermodel by their side means that they are something special. Another reason is simply pure jealousy. They simply cannot stand you getting all of the attention. Narcissistic mothers fit into this category as well. They will oftentimes exhibit this kind of behavior towards their daughters. Daughters are generally safe as long as they are children, but when puberty strikes, watch out. Your attractiveness becomes competition and she fears that others will begin to dote on your beauty, instead of giving it only to her.

SHIELD YOU FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS: Controls who you talk to, where you go, and who you spend time with. Believes he or she is enough company for you and you should be glad to have them. Tries to make you believe that no one else can love you like they can and tries to convince you that your family does not care about you like he or she does. People who exhibit this kind of behavior will oftentimes pit family members or friends against each other.

They enjoy instigating fights and creating chaos. They feed off of watching you go at each others throats while they entertain the role of the peacemaker. Manipulation is often masked with acts of kindness, love, and a I just want to protect you,position. When in reality they are only positioning themselves to control you. It is not normal behavior to try and prevent a loved one from spending quality time with family and friends. Bonding with others who are positive influences will only help strengthen the relationship, not damage it. If someone is exhibiting these types of behaviors early on, the best thing to do is to end the relationship quickly. Trust me, it will get worse.

~~~~~~Jealousy & Possessiveness ~~~~~

The person will act jealous or possessive and will constantly accuse you of being unfaithful: Instead of them seeing you as Gods creation, you are theirs to control and possess. This is usually a sign that the accuser is unfaithful and projecting it onto you. This situation oftentimes confuses the victim and you find yourself constantly validating your commitment to the relationship. Quite exhausting. Insecurity is usually the main culprit behind this behavior. Men will sometimes become too afraid to even turn their heads in the presence of the abuser in fear of being accused of looking at another woman, and women will avoid spending time with friends to prevent her abuser from falsely accusing her of being unfaithful. This is bondage to man and not complete surrender to God.

Making geographical changes to avoid Conflict Many couples have moved, changed jobs, places of worship, changed friends, or avoided places multiple times due to an envious spirit. I recall hearing a man say to his wife, If you dont please me first, then you cant please God. Other statements made are, I saw you looking at that man! I know your friends are trying to get you to see other men.That woman at church keeps flirting with you. That man on your job likes you; Im going to give him a piece of my mind.Your boss likes you, I can tell. Youre not going to the doctor by yourself, I dont trust him. Im sick of all these women staring at you.

It is a relentless battle trying to remain sane in a mess like this. Isolation Isolating you from loved ones or certain places is another form of control. Some victims have even been held hostage in their own homes or not allowed to work outside of the home. Preventing you from going to school and not working, or pressuring you into having babies keep you isolated, frustrated, and exhausted. You remain in a captivity youve never imagined, and they are determined that the bond will never be broken. A police officer once said to me, "You will never get rid of him."

 I found myself running from place to place, city to city, job to job, with four children. Mutual friends who took pity on him informed him of our whereabouts. If you are serious about staying safe, it is imperative that you lose contact with mutual friends you know that can be easily manipulated in to revealing where you are. Abusers are master manipulators. Alcohol and Substance Abuse Substance abuse is usually present and the abusers anger-behavior becomes either subdued by the substance or more aggressive. It is very difficult to try and reason with someone who is under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

When your partner is impaired, this is not the time to discuss what needs to change in the relationship. Most likely, you will be trying to reason with demonic forces opposed to a stable sober mind. The best thing to do is to get to a safe place which sometimes means separating yourself while he or she gets help for their problem. This of course is contingent upon whether they even believe they have a problem and need help. If its Gods will for the relationship to be mended, then in due season it will happen. This decision will require lots of prayer. Sometimes, relationships are irretrievably broken in cases of extreme abuse or adultery, and it would be more beneficial to remain separated, especially when the children have suffered.

Attacking when youre already down The abuser will attack you when youre vulnerable:

Assaults happen while you're sleeping or when youre not paying attention, completely taking you off guard. The person will remind you that you cannot hide from them or ever get away from them. They will even threaten family members, sometimes inadvertently to control you.

Psychopathic stalking behaviors are displayed.

The abuser wants you aware that he or she knows your every move and gloat in you knowing that you are being watched at every minute. I recall a time when I was separated from my husband. I awoke the following morning and discovered my house keys on the floor of the hall tucked by my bedroom door frame. This was my husband’s way of letting me know that he had been inside of the house while we were sleeping. I had never been so terrified in my life. Threatens you with violence or a weapon and Blames you for the Abuse.

Normally when a person cannot control you with words or other manipulative behaviors, they will result to physical violence. This comes in the form of pushing, shoving, throwing sharp objects at you like keys, slapping you, punching you with their fist, open or closed, punching walls, pulling out guns, knives, choking you, hurting the children or pets. Forcing you to have sex or engage in sexual acts you dont feel comfortable with and then blames you for the violence, making it a mutual fight. They will oftentimes say things like, We need to stop all of this. You need to get some help. Youre the reason why we are so unhappy. If you had listened in the first place then this would have never happened. If you had just done this instead of that then I wouldnt have been so angry. You make me angry. Is your fault. I hate you. I will kill you if you leave me. I will kill myself if you leave. No man will ever want you with four kids. Family members are oftentimes threatened and the abuser sometimes makes good on his promise. The truth is, that women are at 75% greater chance of being killed after they leave an abusive relationship. This is one of the reasons women remain and why charges are not pressed against the abuser. What the woman is really saying is, I want to stay alive. Gender role identity Beliefs An abusive person believes and oftentimes will cite gender identity roles. Very little respect is given to the opposite sex. This is sometimes used in religious abuse customs. They will cite scriptures to make their partner feel guilty for wanting to leave or to maintain control over the other person.

They strongly believe that their way of thinking and behaving is the right way and that everyone else is simply wrong. They stress obedience, and will shame you with scripture or incorporate other spiritual leaders to show them just how bad you really are. They are determined to never lose you, and cannot see life without you.

The abusers security is defined by putting you down and insulting you, and when you leave, their whole world is gone. This is when they stop caring about legal consequences. This is a very dangerous period for the victim. Abusive personalities have difficulty with feelings and emotions and are not open to compromise, and definitely not willing to let go. Groomed to being Battered In my book They Loved with a Closed Fist, I discuss a time when I was slapped hard across the face and then taken to a restaurant to eat afterwards. Denial and making excuses for their behavior is very common in abusers.

You will oftentimes hear things such as, Im sorry for hurting you, It will never happen again. I dont understand why I am the way that I am. I really do love you. I was never like this until I met you. If you would just stop doing that then I wouldnt have to. Another tactic is to tell you sad stories about how horrible their childhood was and how badly they were treated. My mother abused me.My father beat me. I was abandoned. I grew up in foster care.I was adopted and abused. My father left us. No one ever loved me.

 Although I can sympathize with many of these scenarios, this kind of chatter is a clever play on the victims guilt. The premise behind this power play is to trap the victim into a vicious spiral of guilt. The game is, How can you leave me or treat me like they did? Women or men with compassionate hearts often get trapped in this predatory web, and before you realize what bit you, the spiders venom has already been infiltrated. Pray for the courage and strength to Leave If you cant leave for yourself, then please leave for the sake of the children. I personally understand how extremely hard it is to walk away from someone that has been a part of your life for so long, especially when children are involved.

The key is to start believing who God says you are, instead of living your life in agreement with the enemy. God did not institute relationships for us to abuse one another. It is never the will of the almighty for anyone, male or female, child or teen, to endure abusive behavior. There are only two ways to leave an abusive relationship. You can leave by walking away from the situation and retreating to a safer place. You should always utilize the legal system for additional help and protection. Third, you should remain in hiding for as long as possible, keeping in mind to never underestimate your abuser. If he promised to kill you, take him very seriously. Most importantly, you should trust in the lord that He will be there with you and your children always.

Trust that the people who are trying to help you really do care about you. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to try and conceal what is happening due to shame, guilt, and embarrassment, or to try and protect the abuser. Family members and friends who are relentless in trying to help free you from an abusive relationship are displaying what true love really is. They want you safe from harm. They want the children healthy, happy, and whole, and most important of all, they dread having to bury you one day.

Contrary to the beliefs of the abuser, people who love you will not hurt you intentionally. Plain and simple. It wasnt that I was afraid of failing or moving forward, I was afraid of having to relive the nightmare all over again after God had delivered us. Many nights, I was oftentimes startled awake at the drop of a pin, fear of him discovering where the children and I were hiding, even though he was physically thousands of miles away.

In the victims mind, the abusers presence is everywhere, and most abuse survivors experience depression and anxiety with panic attacks, flinching at every sound and every move. Another option is, you can leave in a body bag. The choice is yours.

(Please visit the memorial page on my website and feel free to contact me with a name of a loved one you want placed there) Never easy starting over, but worth it! Keep in mind that even though you make geographical changes, the abuser still has control over your mind.

It took many years of training your mind to fear him or her. Therefore, it takes time, patience, supportive family and friends, and counseling to gaining the courage to continue moving forward and never look back. The fear remains after you leave. There is nothing worse than bearing an untold story. Maya Angelou. After leaving my abuser I felt terrified most of the time. I peered over my shoulder, around the bushes, and out of the windows frequently. I phoned the police when I heard the glass door shaking on a stormy night. My tormented mind was so preoccupied with fear and constant worry that I nearly burned my apartment down when the stove suddenly caught on fire one evening while I was frying chicken. My brave son Phillip, only nine years old at the time, noticed the flames and screamed to get my attention. Mom! He shouted. I turned to look, and with shaking hands, filled the pot with water, banging it against the taps in my fear. The flames burst through the water. When I turned around Phillip was gone. He set off at a run like a rabbit and fled through the door. I could hear his tennis shoes pattering quickly down the hall as I tried with all of my might to douse the fire. I heard glass shattering down the hall as the room quickly filled with black smoke, choking the air. Seconds later he returned, skidding to a stop near the flames that had now spread towards the refrigerator. Mom, move out of the way he warned, as I shooed away the smoke with a towel. Gently, he shoved me aside. He was only nine, but his eyes were guarded, as watchful as those of a man facing a death peril as he smothered the flames with the extinguisher. I knew at that moment that counseling is what I needed and God led me to Dr. Al Holloway in St. Paul, Minnesota.

A figment of my imagination?

The voice of the wind made my teeth chatter and my body tremble. An intense horror-chill rushed through my body making my stomach feel empty, then filled with nausea. It was as if my abuser was standing right beside me, and I was poised between life and death all over again. The stronger the wind blew and the wilder the rain lashed, the more terrified I became. The howling winds gripping me back into a state of panic brinked on insanity, making my heart beat a little faster than normal, and then I began to pray out loud. Praying with a faith suddenly so intense, so absolute, that it had filled me with a calm certainty that my prayers would be heard. Minutes later, the police were outside of my door flashing their lights around. Unbeknown to them, they were searching through the darkness for what was only a figment of my own imagination.

Yes indeed, we were still safe, but my mind was not yet convinced. It would take a while. It has been fourteen years weve been free from my abuser, but the memories live on in my mind. Family Secrets Never allow anyone to convince you that telling your story is wrong or a sin. Only Satan, that negative intelligence, will try and convince you that telling the truth is wrong. He tries to convince you that family members will disown you, hate you, criticize you, and defame you if you do. In most cases this does happen, but you have to keep in mind that we are here for the glory of the lord. We are here to serve and magnify Him. If God tells you to do something, dont let the enemy scare you into disobedience. Remember your loyalty is always to God and as long as you are being truthful, you have every God given right to share your story in order to bless the lives of others who are hurting.

Recently, my past came back to haunt me when I received multiple scathing letters from a family member who savagely beat me when I was only sixteen. Sharing my personal story with the world was a family secret which they never meant to be “put out in the open, as a family member stated. I was told that what I was doing was sinfully wrong, and that the individual who beat me was remorseful about what he had done to me. I was even called a liar and other derogatory hurtful names. However, this was the furthest thing from the truth. Matter of fact, exposing these secrets sent an adrenal tide boiling through his blood, and instead of repenting, he continued spewing out threats via emails pouring in daily, and provoked a deep hatred against me by family members who continue to support his abuse. (Read my article on family secrets)

The emails and letters were filled with insults and pejoratives of the very worst kind, and threats against my life similar to the ones in the past, daring me not to ever share my story, and to tear down my website or forever face their wrath. That was the choice they gave me, their demands. I was slandered and publicly defamed by people I thought were loving, honest, trustworthy and loyal. Please keep in mind that nothing hidden can ever be healed. It is never the will of God for us to bandage deep wounds by hiding the truth. In fact, by not revealing the truth is definitely a lie.

I pray that this article is a blessing to you and if you are in an abusive relationship whether you are male or female, it is not the will of God. He wants you to live in abundance, joy, prosperity. Women are a gift, a mans queen. She should be nurtured, loved, and cherished, not abused or used as a punching bag. Men are the leaders of the household, but should not mistake this as meaning a woman is a doormat.

He is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. Women should honor, cherish, and be obedient wives. Not running to other men for comfort, respecting your husbands. Couples should remain prayerful at all times, trusting in the lord that He has the power to move mountains in any situation.

Carmen Love ©March 5th, 2013 Carmenlovefreedom.com Books: They loved with a closed Fist: Release date March 2013 (Memoir) Pearls of Fire & Pearls of Fire II Re-birth: Summer of 2013.



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