I wrote an opinion article based on my experience, and it raised an eyebrow or two among the Christian community; I know because they commented with some disagreement.
The article was titled, “Will My Marriage Last?”
There is a maximum word limit for those articles and perhaps I did not use enough words to specify that I do not believe that divorce is a thing of which God approves, or rather likes. I do however know that God allows divorce for some things; and I know that even Moses under the Law allowed divorce for some things. Jesus said so, and He said it “was because of the hardness of their hearts.” Jesus Himself said that adultery is a valid release from the marriage vow with no guilt to the innocent party.
I do not suggest that divorce is the answer to disagreement. I am speaking to the continual disregard of one spouse toward another. I speak of abuse.
Part of my purpose in the article was simply to instruct those who are married about the absolute necessity of being in agreement with each other, because where there is not agreement, and there is arguing and slanderous words, accusation and perhaps physical abuse, that marriage is in deep trouble.
If those activities are present in a marriage relationship, I’m very sorry to say that the marriage has no hope of existence, and that in fact no marriage really exists.
Some people stay together and endure each other, and abuse each other mentally and maybe even physically, they proudly raise their children in the sick soil of hatred and when life is over, nothing really beautiful nor healthy came from the relationship; however, they are proud of the marriage license staying intact. Not even the children grown in these marriages are emotionally healthy and often are angry toward the “religion” that was held before them as a phantom criteria, void of reality.
A piece of “paper” does not make a relationship, nor does it make a marriage.
A man, a woman, and children, doesn’t make a “family.”
Very often there is one person in a marriage that wishes for a good marriage and all too often there is one that is completely self engaged and does not want anything to change. They are quite happy, thank you. I firmly believe they think it won’t change and that they will be able to continue forever to have everything their own way.
It is to that person I give advice, “It will not happen that way!” If you want your marriage and your family, then you had better work at getting into agreement with your spouse.
The sort of person, those who always want everything their way, when a possible break seems imminent to the marriage, then repents and gets everyone set their former place with lying promises, and proceeds to slide back to their former behavior. That is recognized by the psychological community as the sick behavior of an abuser.
To those whose spouses will not adjust and will not seek counseling with them, that person who cares to have a good marriage need not waste their life struggling to make a one-person marriage. It will not happen!
My message is a warning. My message is a plea. My message is, please don’t just wait, hoping that it gets better; make it better. Pray and get counseling. God’s requirement for all relationships is AGREEMENT. If one or both will not get into agreement, there is no use to put effort to it.
Of course the agreement must hinge on God’s ideas of what is right, and not any individual persons ideas. We can agree to do wrong things and that will not work either. There must be agreement to do according to God’s standards.
I do absolutely believe that some people should get a divorce, or at the least to live separately. There is nothing Godly about living in a war zone and all the while calling it suffering for God’s sake. Where there is abuse of any sort, to spouse or to children, it should not be allowed; it must be put to a stop. Sometimes, separation is the only answer.
So many starry eyed truly well meaning Christian young people continually put up with the devils activities in their homes; any thinking person knows that is a wrong thing to do.
Sorrowfully, all truth is not beautiful.
I wish that the Church would do some preaching about the man’s responsibilities to his wife and children, and not only to the women and children about their duty to obey the man. The one-sided message is damaging.
“I walked the road and can only say, I learned to read the signs along the way.”
Read the road signs; they tell you where you are going. Hopefully, you can save your marriage unless you travel too far.
Read more articles by Ramona Cook or search for articles on the same topic or others.
I agree with your assessment. I am middle aged now but I grew up in one of these houses and I have seen the damage it caused to all four of us children. Not one of us have married and maintained the relationship. I have been sent free by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ from many addictions etc. that bound me. I also knew of many other Church people in marriages while growing up in the same condition of abuse, infidelity, and hypocrisy. Thank you for your boldness to speak the truth.
Sincerely in Christ,
Clifford D. Tate, Sr.