There is a Proverb that says, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy.” And how true this passage is in my life right now. Since the month of June 2012, when I wrote about my brother backsliding from the faith, many things have changed for worse in his life and unfortunately in my life too…
Like Betty Ann (Hilary Swank) in the movie “Conviction” that fought for 18 years to overrule the sentence and imprisonment of her brother, (losing her family in the process); I refuse to believe that my brother will end his life enslaved by sin, bringing shame to the Lord and destroying the life of his children. I am, like her, submerged in this pain that never seems to go away, and apparently not even the Lord is coming to rescue me from it anytime soon.
I’m writing this post more for my own sake than for yours, and I’m sorry about it. It’s kind of a therapy to let out what is killing me inside.
Loving someone this much is pure insanity, but how am I supposed to love my brother? I would give my life for him if I had to! Even if the brother I loved and cherished doesn’t exist anymore.
I’ve tried to convince myself that my brother was not even a Christian; that it is his life, not mine. I’ve tried to smile and laugh even when the pain inside is overwhelming. Sometimes I even seem as if everything is alright inside. Nobody understands my pain, not even my husband, who is tired of my obstinacy in suffering for a useless, lost cause.
I just know that every time I remember my brother, tears flood my eyes and roll endlessly until I can cry no more. “A bad case of anxiety,” said my doctor, “and a digestive system that is exploding gastric acid in all directions because of the accumulated stress.” I feel the burning in my throat at night and the stress playing havoc with my whole body, but my heart refuses to let it go!
Is it because I know that my brother will never be the person I loved, respected and admired again?
Is it because the most important person in my life (Jesus) doesn’t hold us together anymore?
Is it because he has trampled the Son of God underfoot, considered His blood as nothing and brought His Holy name to shame?, or is it simply because I know we will never be friends again?
Is it because his children are drowning in rebellion and sin since he left their mother? Because my precious brother is sharing intimacy with a deceitful, disloyal, pernicious woman? Or is it a combination of all of these?
This waiting on the Lord is killing me, literally. Why am I doing this to myself?
The cold facts are these: my digestive problem could cause me cancer in the esophagus and eventually much physical pain and death, since I already have previous problems with acid reflux.
Besides, I can’t stand feeling so terribly anymore!
I have enough evidence of the power of God “under my spiritual belt.” The Lord had cured me of a brain tumor, infertility and the pain of a traumatic experience that lasted more than 38 years. He also saved my marriage three times! And last year He saved the life of my daughter in a demonstration of power and love. What else do I need to trust Him?
He said we are a “faithless and perverse generation” and He was right! The fact is that we, Christians, have not all the answers, neither all the faith. We are unfinished spiritual children until the day we behold His glory and are transformed to His likeness. Besides, I know all too well that He won’t take in His capable hands, anything that I am still holding on to. He won’t do it, until that very day in which I let this pain go and give it to the only one who can take it away. I just hope it is not too late for me then…
As for my brother I’ll keep praying that he stops idolizing and kneeling at women’s’ feet and instead turns to God and kneels at the feet of Christ, the only one worthy of loyalty, admiration, and worship.
I realize now I may be powerless, but never, ever hopeless…
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