So, this is how the world ends
by James Snyder
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Since the election, there has been a lot of jibber-jabber by the kings and queens of jibber-jabber about some financial cliff we are facing. I have no idea what they are talking about, and I have a suspicion they do not either, but if I am to guess I would say, it is not a great leap of faith.
The great thing about being a jibber-jabber is you do not have to know what you are jibber-jabbering about. In fact, the less you know the more you can jabber your jib.
As one great American consumer and I only speak for myself, I am tired of all of this nonsense.
In the light of this, I bring good news concerning this ominous financial cliff. I am always happy to bring a little bit of good news in the midst of all of the twaddle and idiotic jibber-jabbing that goes on in our country. I know good news does not make the front page but I think it helps those of us who are tired of the bad news.
The good news concerning this financial cliff is that we do not have to worry about it at all, thanks to the Mayan’s calendar. Wherever they are, somebody needs to congratulate them on saving not only our world but also our country from a financial disaster. If we had the time, I would recommend that they be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
According to the Mayan’s calendar, the end of the world, whatever that means, is to take place on December 21. How they had the foresight to come to our rescue at such a portentous time we will never know. Thanks to them, we do not have to worry about any financial cliff that might be looming ahead of us.
I think this should be enough to silence all of this political jibber-jabber the rest of us are tired of hearing.
As grateful as I am to the Mayan calendar, I do have a little bone to pick with them.
I do not mind people predicting the end of the world. Really, they have nothing on me. For years I have predicted the end of the world at the end of every month. Believe me, some months I really came close to the end of the world. At least the end of my world.
Now the bone I have to pick is simply this. Why did they pick December 21, which is four days before Christmas? This is very frustrating to me. If they would have consulted with me, I would have suggested maybe the end of the month. After all, give everybody a few days to enjoy his or her last Christmas.
Personally, I do not mind missing New Year’s Eve. In my opinion, it is all hype and nothing else. After all, Dick Clark is gone, so what is the use of celebrating New Year’s Eve? In my lifetime, I have seen enough people drop the ball; I do not need to stay up to midnight to watch everybody drop the ball. But, Christmas Day, that’s a whole different ballgame.
The problem I face is simply this, if I buy a Christmas present and the world actually does end on December 21, I have wasted my money. Being a tightwad such as I am, that is a most blasphemous thing to do. On the other hand, if I do not buy Christmas presents assuming that the world will end on December 21, I am going to be redder in the face on Christmas day than Santa’s suit. The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage will not accept some lame excuse that I thought the world was going to end on December 21.
This whole thing has put me in quite a quandary. I know there have been hundreds of people down through the years predicting the end of the world. The problem I have is, what day is going to be right, and who is to say when?
Many people are putting a lot of credence on this Mayan calendar. Some are pointing out how brilliant these people were. However, I have one simple question to ask is.
If the Mayans were so smart, where in the world are they now?
I am rather suspicious of their disappearance, especially, when we come to the end of the world according to their prediction. If they can predict the end of our world, why were they not able to predict the end of their world?
So, let us say December 21 is the end of the world. What I am doing to prepare myself for that is stockpiling Apple Fritters. I do not know what the end of the world means, I do not know the condition I am going to be in, but I do know that an Apple Fritter is the panacea for all ailments. If I just have enough Apple Fritters, I know I can face anything, even the end of the world.
It would be nice that the last thing I do before the world ends is savor a delicious Apple Fritter.
Actually, I have something much better.
“But the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you” (1 Peter 1:25 KJV).
I do not know how the world is going to end, but I do know who is really in charge.
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Too much fun. But I'd skip the apple fritters and stock up on swiss cheese. Hope it's not too late ;)