Ten Tips for the Newcomer to the Spirit Led Church Service
1. When the music starts, and the people start singing, sing loud. It does not matter that you sing off key, on key, or that you can’t sing at all. Singing of Spirit-led music does not have to be good, just loud. I used to think that was because God was so far away, but I found out, it’s really because everyone just likes singing to God, and it turns out He’s really close enough to hear. Some of us just hope He is also tone deaf.
2. Always, always, always, carry Kleenex with you. Bring a full box, hide some in your Bible, stuff some up your sweater or jacket sleeve. If you forget to bring some, turn around, go back home and get some, just don’t leave home without it. Believe me, this is a commodity that you will need EVERY time you attend a Spirit-led church service, because if you don’t cry, it is a guarantee that someone else will. By always having a ready supply, you can make many friends and influence people by being the “Kleenex lady”. You will become more precious than silver.
3. When going up to the altar to be prayed for, ALWAYS go to the end of the line. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ever stand behind someone waiting for prayer. Especially do not stand behind anyone bigger than you waiting for prayer. If you are smart, you will stand in front of someone WAY bigger than you, while you are waiting for prayer. This is based on Psalm 55:22b “He will never let the righteous fall” He does, however, let the Spirit filled fall, sometimes, so I think you get the picture.
4. Another prayer tip for Spirit-led services (for females), is ALWAYS wear a long—and I mean very long—skirt, or loose-fitting pants. I know your mother would be real proud of you, with the clean, un-holey (sorry for the pun) underwear you wear to church, just in case you have an accident on the way there, and the doctors have to see them….but!!! You do not want to share them with the congregation. By wearing a long skirt or loose fitting pants, if you do happen to say, fall on the floor for any reason, you will not end up sharing the secret that only your mother should be proud of.
5. Before leaving the comfort of your own home, you must always—again with that always thing—check the armpits of your clothes for holes. You will find that you will spend a lot of time with your arms in the air, and it will be a little embarrassing if you happen to notice a hole in your clothes in the armpit area. It will be even worse if someone else notices, like maybe, God, Who is the One that everyone is always waving at, in Spirit-led church services anyway. Of course, if you have an undetected hole in your armpit area, you must realize that you are facing the pastor and the choir while you are waving at God. The problem here, is that the pastor and the choir are also facing you while they are waving at God. Everyone will be aware that you are “holey”, and some may even mention it to you. Do not confuse this with being “holy”.
6. If you are going to a service that touts a visiting guest speaker (and that includes pastors, youth pastors, evangelists, tele-evangelists, missionaries, visionaries, and otherwise) who is from the southern part of the United States (otherwise known as “The South”, as in :”We are having a guest speaker from “The South.”) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT sit in any of the front three rows. Southern guest speakers are required to start out slow, with that cute little southern drawl, and rev up to a loud in-your-face kind of preaching, that usually involves a lot of spitting. Now, referring to step 5 above, remember, he will be facing you. If he is spitting, that means that someone in the first three rows will be anointed with more than mere words. Sit towards the back, and remember to pass up the Kleenex.
7. If you are a person who is uncomfortable being hugged and kissed by complete strangers, hang on to your hat. People in Spirit-led churches do not know that you are a stranger. They have developed some notion that somehow, you are a part of their Spirit-led family, and they will tend to treat you that way. You will be hugged, and many times kissed, by complete strangers who you will only meet again in heaven. That’s ok, because remember, you have your Kleenex to wipe off your cheeks, and the hugs usually don’t leave lipstick all over your face.
8. As soon as you know you will be attending a Spirit-led church, join the nearest Weight Watchers chapter. Immediately, if not sooner. Spirit led people tend to break bread a lot together. They tend to breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and then they go out for coffee and donuts later. Spirit led people tend to think that by hanging out eating together, they will grow closer in the Spirit. Eventually, they do grow closer, because everyone has to start buying clothes 2 sizes larger. But that’s ok, that way you’ll have a lot of old things to donate to the mission work in a third world country where Spirit led people do not eat together so often.
9. Do not, under any circumstances, mention the fact that you are uncomfortable praying out loud. Four hundred and fifty prayer warriors will run over and lay hands on you, with three hundred of them praying that you receive the gift of tongues. There will be weeping and wailing, and gnashing of teeth, but that will only be you, trying to escape the stronghold of the gift of intercessory prayer. Of course, when you finally relent, and pray out loud, everyone will let you up off of the floor, and you will be able to pursue other Godly things, like breathing again. This is ok, because prayer is a good thing. It only hurts when you’re fighting it.
10. Mostly, when you’ve decided to be part of a Spirit-led church, remember that you need to thank God that He brought you to this place. You will find that His greatest gift is a group of people you can call your church family. They will diligently seek His face, while dragging you kicking and screaming through the many stages of your Christian walk. You will learn that being part of a Spirit-led church gives you a good foundation towards the fruit of the Spirit, and moving in the spiritual gifts. Just remember to look around for the next unsuspecting soul who comes to your service, and hand them a copy of these tips. After all, it’s only fair to warn them— because you can go through the change of (your) life in a Spirit-led church service. Just like you.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW
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