You know, Father, how I dreaded facing the truths in my life.
You know how far and how hard I ran from everything.
Especially my kidney disease.
After seeing all the suffering my mom went through,
it was too much for me to handle.
I saw what no one else saw.
I saw her go from happy and alive to
having to have a respirator keep her alive.
I was there in her room at home when she was calling everyone to thank them for everything
and to tell them she loved them
wanting to say her last goodbyes.
I was crying. I was about to loose the only love I ever knew.
But I pushed it all away. I covered it all with denial.
Even when she was in the hospital and we turned the respirator off
I was in denial. I refused to believe she was gone.
So I ran, I ran to my place of escape. I put on my rose colored glasses
smiling in front of everyone, and then escaping when they were gone
so I could remain in what I considered peace.
Really I was just torturing myself by what I learned early in life.
You see, Father, it wasn't just my mom that died that day.
Love as I knew it, Love for me died that day,
or so I believed.
My choices, selfish.
My reward, agony.
My muse, fear.
I've always felt threatened by something throughout life.
People, places and things.
You, Father, have allowed me to make choices in life.
I see that now.
You let me suffer through them, knowing one day,
I would recognize You.
And I have.
Your gentle yet intense nudges, were just what I needed
to lead me to You.
And You've waited each time for me to tell You,
I was ready to move forward.
This last time I told you I was ready, I gave up my fight
against the truth of my kidney disease. I embraced it,
and I went into the hospital to begin dialysis.
It's a blessing in disguise, I see that now.
I see just how much You love me.
You have been calling out to me since I was formed
in my mothers womb.
I see all the miracles now as I look back on life.
I see a new reality before me.
The old reality covered with denial is slowly fading away.
I see that love for me has always been here.
You've never judged me, only helped and held me.
All the times I was being judged,
your love which I didn't know gave me strength.
You've never left my side, and You never will.
If I must die, Father, that You may be glorified,
Then may Your will be done.
I won't be scared.
Thank you for giving me courage
to speak the things I never thought I'd be able to speak.
Thank you for giving me the courage
to embrace the things I thought I would never be able to embrace.
Thank you for giving me the courage
to do the things I've done and have still yet to do.
Thank you for being with me everywhere I go.
Thank you for Your continuous teaching
that brings me closer to Your eternal and universal love.
Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty,
Who was, and is, and is to come.
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