Status update 1:
I'm tired. Tired of being sad. Most of you know me as being a happy person. When everyone is gone, I'm sad. And when I'm sad, I use drugs. It's the only way, I make it through the day. The day I was old enough to leave home, it started. It's been a long and grueling 26 years now. I fight to keep it together, I fight to hold on to happiness. I fight to hold on to the love I do have. In fact, I fight so hard for it, I can't even share it. I've held my frustration and sadness in since I was a kid. It all comes from the lack of love in the world. It's a mad world. And I'm doing the best I can to keep from joining in. I'm tired of the struggle. So I've made it to today, and today I'm contemplating a decision that I don't expect any of you to understand. I understand that you won't be able to understand. It's alright. I've done most of what I'm able to do up to now. I've cried to God, and I still cry to Him. He's heard me. But I haven't listened to him. All of my adult life I've been an addict. Don't be disappointed, sad or upset. Believe me, I already am. I'm thankful for my escape everyday. If I would have found my escape when I was 4, I would have started then. Its how I've managed to share the love I do have. But that love is slowly fading. I'm tired of being paralyzed by fear. Fear of loosing my kidneys, fear of going on dialysis, feat of a kidney transplant, fear of not completing the task before me. It's not one I chose. It's been given to me. I wish I could give it away, but I can't. Do you know how your going to die? I do and my kidney disease may or may not play a role. Satan definitely will play a big part in it. And I'm not contemplating this decision because I have something to prove. I'm contemplating it because it's the ONE way I can walk by faith. I want to rest, but I can't until certain changes have taken place. I'm tired of living each day wondering if this event or that event is going to be the one that makes the changes. I'm contemplating stepping up and lending a hand, to the inevitable. I don't want to go on dialysis, and I don't want a kidney transplant. Believe it or not, there is still a part of me that's having trouble believing in what I've been shown. This might confuse you, but I actually believe it with all my heart. One vision has passed, two are yet to come. They are approaching quicker than you think. Don't be quick to judge. Your main focus, should be yourself. All a transplant and dialysis will be doing is holding back my faith. I've found love, I'm still learning how to share what I've discovered. I believe in love, always have, always will. Believe me, love has a big surprise in store for us all. I will be just as surprised as you when the gift is revealed. So remember what you've read here because you';ll know why I'll be the most surprised. And if it all turns out that I just pass away, and no surprise is revealed. Then I will be crazy like I and some others think I am. Yes, I'll admit, part of me does think I'm crazy. Who in their right mind would consider not getting a kidney transplant or going on dialysis when their kidneys are about to fail? One thing I have learned is, when God has your attention, He surpasses your ability to understand. So I'm letting go of the way I understand things to be and getting ready to step to the other side.
Status Update 2:
I apologize to everyone who has shed tears after reading my status update. My intent was not to lead you to believe I was going to kill myself. Honestly, that hasn't even entered my head. And I am very grateful for all the love and support there is from all of you. I will say this, there will come the day, that I'm going to have to go. Don't be sad, because where I'll be, it won't be a sad place.
This isn't my home. I've just become aware of the fact that I'm just a visitor here passing through. The pill is a little hard to swallow and I'll admit that my words earlier did come from a place of defiance. Remember, we aren't human beings having a spiritual experience, we're spiritual beings having a human experience ( that's someone else's quote, not mine. I don't know who but it's a good one). When a connection is made to your spiritual side, God enters. Love enters for God is Love. You see, Love has had some things stolen from it. This has been going on long before I was even here. And it still continues to this day. I wasn't put here on earth to fight. The only people who I've been in an actual fight with I'm sad to say is my father and brother. It seems like at the times I need support from them most, all I get is opposition. So I've grown up living life for someone else. To make someone else happy. Denying myself a life of my own, so others can be happy. That is really who I am. Ultimately in the end though when its all said and done, what used to be frustration has turned into a somewhat happy feeling. Because after 34 years of doing this not just with family, but with most I've come into contact with and after I've become familiar with the Bible, I see how God's love has been here the whole time. His love was in my heart telling me it was the right thing to do. When I hear it, it feels right. And that's what happened, I felt it to be the right thing to do, now I know it to be the right thing to do. By sacrificing my happiness, to make someone else happy, I'm acting out of love and that's what builds treasure for us in Heaven. What a wonderful thing to realize. At 34, my lowest part in life, where I did want to kill myself, I had only one place to turn. So I did what my mother taught me. I prayed and for the first time I read the Bible. Some would think things would get better. And yes, in ways they have. But everyday for a little over a month, the hottest month of the year, God found me on the ground in the sand crying. I couldn't get up, I couldn't stop crying. It was then that I realized that what I had been searching for throughout life had been there every step of the way and how I just ignored it. Never a prayer, never a thank you, Father. I have two fathers. My human father and and my spiritual Father. You see, we are all born with God (Love) in us. We are his creation. As we begin moving through life, we begin adapting to our environment. And this is when Satan begins his work. He's been at it for quite a while, so he's mastered many things. One thing he has mastered well, is disguise. One of the first techniques he uses is flattery. He wants you to feel comfortable around him. He wants your guard down. God is our guard. The next technique he uses is a temptation of some sort. No harm comes at first, but when we begin living life without giving a thought to God, get ready. Something is about to happen and it isn't going to be good. I'm familiar with him and I'll never forget the little over 8 hour experience with him. During my coming to God experience, after what seems like forever crying, He (God) made contact. It was the last thing I was expecting. Again, some would think that would be good. I'm not saying it's not good, but I didn't feel ready for it. Parts of me know I'm still not. It left me with more questions, than answers. I wasn't in a place where there were open arms. In fact, it was quite the opposite. It seemed like every other step I took, I found opposition. And it hurt, because it was like I was reliving a terrible time in my childhood. Except I wasn't at home with dad this time, this time I was where dad sent me. I was at my brothers. I'm tempted to tip toe around this, in fact, I've been doing that for several years now. I've been tip toeing out of love for them, because I do love them very much. The last thing I want to do is hurt or harm them in any way. My mother taught me to never turn your back on your family. If I am to heal my wound, I need to go to certain places. I don't want to, but if I don't, I'll surely die in my addiction. And I will not complete my task. If I do move forward, I'm sure of the fact that I should prepare for more opposition. Nothing hurts more than opposition and threats from the ones you love. I've been through it before and I'm going to have to go back into it. And just like my task, it's a place I don't want to go. I'd like to push it aside, like I have been doing. But the way I've been going, I'm slowly killing myself. I want to believe that my father and brother love me enough to understand that this is something I must do to live. To not allow me to do so would be the equivalent of them turning their back on me. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't ordeals. If I do, and I am going to try again, risk of upsetting someone is inevitable. But if I accomplish and complete my task, I tell you, there will be more people on earth that hate me, rather than love me.
He'll move across the land like a machine. Fire blazes beneath him. Everything in his path, he destroys. The people run, the animals run. The trees, the grass, the ground are all on fire. He moves like a tank...without mercy. For when he comes with his legs that resemble tank wheels, destroying everything in his path some will escape, but there will be many who are captured. He will hold them in camps. He will not be targeting a specific race, his target will be God's people. Someone will come to their aid. I would like to believe it would be all of them, and all I can do is pray.
Status Update 3:
Good morning everyone:) I woke up this morning with a feeling I needed to explain something to you. When events that I've spoken of begin happening and the changes start taking place, I've found it important to say don't be expecting to see a man that has actual tank wheels as his legs. What I saw was that but that was just a symbol. The tank wheels are a representation of his power. And how everything in his path gets destroyed. He was larger than the trees and buildings. There was only forward movement and a path of destruction in his wake. In his mind, he is larger than life, for he will truly believe himself to be God. Now every part of this man that I saw was on fire. that is the anger that is burning within him which will be seen through his face. Nothing but forward movement means there will be no stopping and turning from what he believes. The people and animals running out and away from him, well, all life in his path is displaced. The captured people were in what appeared to be a camp that they could not escape from. They were deprived of food and water. The things necessary to live.
Now I'm sure I'm not the only one by this point, after all I've said and done, to realize parts of this sound familiar. I mean, there is no changing my mind on what I believe. I'm through doubting my purpose in life. Which leads me to say, life for me will end in one of two directions. I will end up on God's side (hopefully) and/or if I'm not God's side then I will be on the devils. This is whats been haunting me for the past 8 years. This is really what I'm tired of and I'm through doubting who I serve.
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