David
said
to Saul,
'Your servant
used
to keep
sheep
for his
father....
....when
there came
a lion,
or a bear......
I went
after
him
and
smote
him.'
[1 Samuel 17:34-35]
****************
"LORD?"
[GENTLE SMILE.]
"Yes,
Mein kin'da'lah."
"Am I talking to
the Lord......LORD?
Or......Ya know,
the OTHER ONE?"
"There's Only One,
child."
"Yeah, I know.
But......I'm JEWISH.
I was brought up
with the......OTHER ONE."
[SMILE.]
"What was
your question,
Mein kinder."
"WELL......"
(Sip of Gatorade*.)
"The THING about
the BIBLE......"
[NOD.]
"....is that...
not ALL of it..
....is TRUE!"
[NODDING.]
"And,
which Part is that,
Mein kinder."
"WELL."
(Sip.)
"HOW COME
David said...he
slew a BEAR...
when he had never
SEEN a BEAR?"
"Which bear,
My kin'da'lah."
"The bear.......BEAR!
You KNOW: that
BEAR!
"Ah, yes."
[NOD.]
"The one that
he slew."
"YEAH!
The thing IS.....
there ARE no
BEARS.....
in ISRAEL!"
[CHUCKLING.]
"They don't have
any BEARS,
THERE!"
"And.... why
is that,
My child."
"BECAUSE!
It's too HOT!
They wouldn't
have any BEARS,
THERE!"
[PATIENTLY LISTENING.]
[NOD to an angel,
Angel Alfred,
who has just arrived at the Throne Room Door.]
"It's just DRY
and ROCKS! There's
NOTHIN' THERE!"
[SILENCE.]
"Maybe, what David slew was
just a big, rowdy.... CHIPMUNK!"
[CHUCKLE.]
[NOD.]
[Angel Alfred limps into the Throne Room;
he's been in a fight
with Demon Zorteck, from
the Sixth Realm of
the Second Slice
of Slime. Alfred's
left wing is broken,
and there is beige-colored duct-tape wrapped
around it.]
"Are You.....LISTENING,
LORD?"
[NOD to Alfred,
who's not in any
pain or anything,
since wings are a lot like fingernails.
Alfred woefully asks permission if
he can sit out of
Choir Practice, tonight.]
"Yes,
child.
I AM listening."
"BEARS live in,
like, NORTHERN
PENNSYLVANIA!
Ya know: where
it's COLD!
Like, CANADA!"
[PATIENTLY SIGH.]
[STERNLY FROWN
at Alfred, who's
taking out the roll of duct-tape from his gauzy gown pocket
and pulling on another six feet of tape:
it's making an irritating scratchy
sound; Alfred tries
to rip the end off,
but he's too weak
from his fight
with Demon Zorteck,
and so tries to bite
it off with his teeth.]
[NOD to the Guard
Angel, Gitz'zo, who
puts down his sword
and shield, and then
comes over to help
Alfred.]
[SIGH.]
"Child,
all of My Word.....
is TRUE."
"MAYBE!
But......I STILL
say there ain't no
BEARS IN ISRAEL!"
[SIGH.]
[WATCH, as Guard
Gitz'zo pauses as if a
light bulb has gone
off in his halo'ed head, and then
turns around to go back to grab his
sword.]
"MAYBE,
DAVID was SHEEP-
SITTING in another
COUNTRY! DID HE
EVER GO TO CHINA?"
[IMPATIENTLY
FROWNING, as
Gitz'zo is now trying
to break off the
duct-tape with his
mighty-golden-sword
and he can't.]
[SIGH.]
"NO,
My child."
"Ya know.....JEWS
really LIKE CHINESE
FOOD! Maybe, he
was in CHINA, when
he saw the BEAR!"
[BECKON to the
Second-In-Command
Guard Angel, Sitz'ko,
who immeditely pulls
his even bigger silver
and gold sword out
of his faux-leather**
sword sheath, and
walks barefoot over
to come to the aid of
both the skirmishing
angels.]
"WAS HE WEARIN'
A YAMUKAH,
LORD?"
[PATIENT VOICE.]
"Who,
child."
"The BEAR!"
[WATCHING as
now all three of
the angels are
getting their bare feet twisted
up in the duct-tape,
and beginning to
shout at one another.]
"WELL,
if he was a JEWISH
BEAR, he would'a
been wearing a
YAMUKAH!"
[SHOUT.]
[Gitz'zo, Sitz'ko,
and Alfred suddenly
stop, and turn toward the Thrones.
Immediately they hang their halo'ed
heads down, turn
and shuffle out:
pulling and yanking
at the twisted,
sticking duct-tape
wrapped around
their bare feet
and ankles .]
[PATIENTLY GENTLE VOICE.]
"Child,
All of My Word
is.........TRUE."
(Shout at the ceiling.)
"MAYBE!"
[CHUCKLE.]
"I STILL SAY
there aren't no
BEARS in ISRAEL!"
[SIGH.]
[CALL OUT to Archangel Michael,
who is busy fighting over Persia, to immediately fly over to the Throne Room Hallway and free Sitz'ko, Gitz'zo,
and Alfred from their woeful bonds; he also
will give all three
angels a mighty-talking-to, for
being so disruptive
in the Presence of
The Lord.]
[FROWN.]
"Child."
(Shout.)
"WHAT?"
[PATIENT VOICE.]
"You're not using...
good....
English,
again."
****************
Your servant
has
killed
both
lions
and
bears....
[1 Samuel 17:36]
*An empty Gatorade
bottle, bought compulsively, and
then filled with
Orange Crush.
**No animals were
harmed in the making
of this story.
Copyright 2012.
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