Have you ever had one of those friendships where over time you just sort of slowly drift away from each other? You’re not sure if you’ve outgrown the relationship, or your interests have changed, or like so many other things we once held significant, time has just worn it away.
Oh, you still see each other from time to time, exchanging pleasantries and engaging in an oddly uncomfortable and blessedly brief conversation. But it’s not the same. The effort just isn’t there to make it work anymore; to make it worthwhile. Eventually you just give up; giving a slight nod and pleasant smile as you pass each other on the sidewalk.
That’s kind of the way I feel about my addiction to porn now. Oh, he’s still around. We still run across each other from time to time. But he’s merely a shadow of his former self. Really, he’s not even making much of an effort to maintain my attention anymore. He just seems to go through the motions like, “Alright, I’ve still got to be here for a little while longer—gotta collect the paycheck, you know—so . . . you know . . . hi.”
It’s sad really. He was so formidable at one time; overwhelming really, in his charismatic allure.
But, that’s all gone now. (And just between you and me, he hasn’t aged well.)
So I too, make the effort. I acknowledge his presence. (Up until the last year or so, he’s played a rather substantial role in my life. I at least owe him that.) But I don’t spend too much time in trying to engage him, in trying to keep the interest alive as it were. Unfortunately I’ve grown beyond him.
Eventually, I know we’ll get to the point when we’re merely granting each other a courtesy nod as we pass in those moments of boredom or solitude (a deadly combination in the past.) But it’s really not even worth the effort anymore. He knows it, and so do I. In fact, we’re probably there now.
So I bid you adieu my one-time, constant companion. We’ve been acquaintances for a long, long time; but it’s time for both of us to move on. I have a family—especially a highly influential, growing boy—to take care of. You undoubtedly have some young teenager you can inhabit; to provide relief for a growing catalog of untenable, and unattainable, fantasies.
I’d like to say I wish you well, but I’d be lying. I wish you peace.
More importantly, I wish peace upon the young teenager you choose to inhabit.
May he outgrow you long before I did.
May he find, nurture and cherish the love and relationship that will hopefully replace the need for you in his life. Sooner, rather than later. Hopefully, before it’s too late.
May he see you for what you are—an endless parade of faceless, emotionless, challenge-less images. A mere two-dimensional shadow of the endless depth to be found in the trust and security of a physical, emotional and spiritual love available within that elusive, yet attainable, someone called “soul mate”.
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