The Dictator in the Relationship
by emmanuel iweha
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Who Dictates the Relationship?
One of the greatest signs of a flawed relationship is one that is dictated by one person. By dictating, we are looking at the root word "dictator" and that is going to be our operative word. A dictator wants to direct everything that is around them. They want to be in charge always and in every giving situation. This is a common theme of a flawed relationship between two people. There is one person that wants to dictate.
We are not talking of the alpha male/person syndrome although this may play a part. why it has nothing to do with this is that two 'natural' followers or non-alpha types coming together in a relationship may still fall into the cast of one becoming a dictator in the relationship without that person actually having the traits of an alpha character that generally forces their will on everyone.
So a flawed relationship is one that has one dictating the flow of the relationship and regulating the pace and events that happen in that relationship. A relationship is made up two individuals who are still individuals to themselves even though they must be as one to others (you can read that again). What then makes them one? Do they become one by one character being subsumed by the other so that it is only one of the individuals in the relationship that an outsider sees or do they become one by merging and creating a synergy that is a collection of traits from each? This is what we are talking about.
They need to be individual to each other because God had designed the union to be complimentary. The one needs what the other is bringing to the table. There are of course traits from each that are needed in the formation of that external unit because each is meant to be a partaker in the others holiness, purity, love and indeed any other thing that is Godly. They are not meant to or designed to merge in sin, contrariness and indeed any other thing that is ungodly. A good example where they fully merged in the good, bad and ugly is the case of Ananias and Saphira and they both paid the ultimate price. Another classic example where there was a God-perfect merger where they only took the best of each other and externally created a new character was in the case of Nabal and Abigail.
Nabal was described as a tight-fisted and mean person; Abigail had a large heart and intuitive wisdom. But was the good thing from Nabal that he brought to the table and Abigail took to? Nabal brought his wealth i.e. money. Abigail brought her intuitive wisdom and largeness of heart. She did not partake in Nabal's meanness but his wealth while Nabal partook of her wisdom and largeness of heart. This saved his household from certain destruction. So they became an external unit that was still separate from their individual personalities. Saphira took to Ananias' crookedness and the children became orphans.
In a flawed relationship, one personality swallows up the other. There is one person that wants to dictate the emotional state of the relationship. If that person is sad, both must be sad. If that person is happy, both must be happy. If that person is moody, it must spread to the other person; I hope you are getting this?
That person will want to dictate the social status of the unit i.e. of both. If that person wants to be alone from everybody, both of them must hole themselves up somewhere and cut off the outside world.
The only reason there will be conflict in a flawed relationship is when the dictator is not having his/her way. But the unsaid truth here is that that relationship is always in a state of conflict to the point where it looks normal. That is, there is always one accusation or explanation being made either verbally or telepathically. Something is always amiss and there is no discharge in this war.
A dictator will take advantage of everything at their disposal to have their way, even scripture. They do not shy away from hiding behind scripture to push their own agenda and make sure they dictate the pulse of that relationship. There has to be some deep searching of the heart for any couple involved in a flawed relationship to get any kind of break through. The sad reality is that both have had it easy and it may be difficult to break away from the cast both have sets themselves in i.e. the dictator and the dictated.
THE NUCLEAR SOLUTION
Now it would be impossible to proffer any lasting solution if we were not approaching this issue from the Christian perspective. This is because the Bible is our guide in everything and each man/woman in Christ should learn how to be persuaded by scriptures more than anything else.
The first thing is that there has to be a merging of the two to become one externally while they still retain their "individualities" internally i.e. to each other. Without Christ, it might sound easy to just say both would have to sit down and talk things out by creating there external personality while still retaining their individual traits to each other. But this is not as easy as it sounds because there is a lot of Biology in the real life Osmosis and diffusion that takes place in a relationship which tends to happen on their own volition.
But with the Christian, God is the one that creates the new person (Just like HE did with the first man and woman). The Word is a guide and we touched on this before; you are both meant to partake in the light of each other and not in the darkness. You are both meant to partake in that which is godly in each other to form a new being that has greater light in Christ than the two individual beings that makes up that unit. If only you know the power in what we have just said about the two becoming a greater light that the individual lights.
That new light actually helps to eventually obliterate the individual darkness still retained by your "individualities" in the relationship. The Marriage institution is the single most powerful institution in the world. It has more power than the visible church because it is based on the joining of just two individuals rather than a collective. God Bless
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