I travel a lot for work. I've been to Virginia five times in 7months and already know the dates I will be going back. Each time I prepare to leave anxiety consumes me. I get so worried about what will happen while I'm gone. I have control issues that are beyond understanding. There have been bad situations in my life that brought this on. When my brother died in 2001 I was supposed to be in Florida visiting him that week. I'm not sure I've ever gotten over the, "if I had been there it wouldn't have happened" scenario that plays out in my head often. Somehow I have convinced myself that if I am watching the every move of my loved ones nothing could happen to them. We all know that's not true, even I know. I think its a fear of the unknowing that I allow to take control of me.
Honestly, something generally does happen when I'm gone. It is usually a form of deceit. I don't even know that I can blame them with as tight a leash as I keep my loved ones on when Im home. It's like a breath of fresh air for them when I'm away I'm sure. They always make it though. They're always there smiling when I return. Well sometimes smiling, sometimes frowning while grounded but still breathing none less. The world still goes on without me, it's true.
This time something major happened. Something that will never leave my heart or mind. My husband, Jason, was in a bad car accident on his way to work. Generally I don't answer phone numbers I don't know but because the form of deceit I mentioned happened 15 minutes prior I did. The first time I've ever thanked God for my child being in trouble! The only words I remember from that call are ,"you don't know me but your husband has been in a bad car accident and wants to talk to you. His car flipped four times so he is disoriented". He could hardly talk and what he was saying I couldn't understand. I think my heart stopped for a moment but know my brain did not. Every possible worst case scenario started running through it. My panic was uncontrollable! I prayed. Oh I prayed like I never prayed before! Then I called my dad. I knew he would know what to say to calm me sown and he would go to Jason's side. He reminded me that Jason had to give the man my phone number so had to be somewhat coherent. I asked the church to pray and they did even more. They showed up at Jason's side too.
Now it is true the car rolled and he was upside down in a ditch but as it turned out he hardly had a scratch on his body. He was a bit disoriented at first and extremely sore after but that is to be expected. When I saw the car there was bad damage to every part except the driver's seat. The entire car was destroyed except where he was sitting. I failed to remember that God does much better at "controlling" things than me. In fact, had I been home Jason would have been in his truck with no airbags that proved to provide the very protection needed. Thank God this was not his time to go!
When we emptied out the car a couple days later I found my Bible. It had been destroyed. It was soaking wet, torn, and damaged beyond repair. It was stuck open on 2Chronicles 20. I read this over and over to try and figure out what God was telling me. I just couldn't grasp it until I sat to write this story. As I wrote about my control issues and fears I realized it is not my battle, it is his. "Don't be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's" 2 Chronicles 20:15 He will take it when I ask. I never thought to remind myself of that.
I always pray before I go away that he keep my family safe. I just never took to heart that these weren't just empty words, they are actually heard. King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles wasn't defeated by the enemy even though to the eyes he would have been. The odds were against him, the same as they were my husband on this day. The King poured his heart out to God before the battle and this proved to be a powerful weapon against his attackers. He trusted God and praised him because of it. Trusting God led him to where he was meant to be. "If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgement, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us" 2Chronicles 20:9
Had this accident turned out differently I know I would have still known and felt the mercy of God through it all. How quickly I would have allowed myself to feel this I can't say, but it would have been there regardless. I prepared myself for the worst in that hotel room. I was on my knees talking to him, wrapped in his love the entire time. Even while I was doubtful, and there were those moments, he sent his love to surround me in tje form of actions and words of others to get me through the night.
I spent many years in sin rebelling against God after my brother's death. Those years led to very bad things. He was there waiting for me when I returned. Just as I trust my dad to know how to care for me as I said earlier, I have learned to trust that the Father knows best for me. That if it where my husband's time than hr would have had a reason for it. I am so very grateful that it wasn't Jason's time but even with my brother, I know that God knew the situation better than I and I've come to terms with it. Maybe more ao right now writing this than ever before, I've come to terms with it. It is God's will that is best for us. I know that my best interest is his will, and he is showing me to trust in that alone! "Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will ne successful" 2 Chronicles 20:20