It's a funny thing. Time. We all say we don't have it, but it seems so much of it is spent driving. Driving to work, grocery stores, libraries, sporting events, school. We drive quite a bit. I was horrible at picking up my phone and using this time to catch up. Then I became aware of how little I pay attention to the road. So I stopped doing this (as much) and sat in my car. I'd listen to the radio, flip stations until I found something, and when I didn't, sat in silence. It was then I realized how much can go through your mind during one drive to and from your destination.
The last few years have proven to offer quite the challenge. A teenage son in jail, a teenage daughter a mother, a preteen in trouble for misusing a cell phone. I welcomed a beautiful grandson, had to reassure a teenage son that he can start fresh, just to watch him fall again, offered words of support to a teenage daughter who was now a mother and watched her get pregnant, again. I feel I'm stuck in some kind of sick circle. I can feel satan watching and knowing he is making it harder and harder to stay strong. Though, I have always believed, I am wondering...is there a reason I am stuck in this circle of chaotic, disaster? Am I being punished? How did my life take this turn in 3 short years.
Gone are the days of ultimate joy? No, I am supposed to praise him in all circumstances, if I can hold to that, I will always have that joy. Ya, it hasn't quite been that easy. Gone is my dream home, my life I loved, my credit, my church family, my smile, my contentment. Seems it has slowly disappeared. One thing after another, one day at a time, one life changing event after another. I sat, I loved, I praised, I lost. Now, before I stop typing to go shower and head out to work, I am left breathless, unsure, saddened by the change I could have done with out; yet ready, by the grace of God, for the day. In an hour I will get in my car, drive to work, and find my thoughts wandering in and out of this thing we call ..life.