Spirit and Desire
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She lay in her bed, daydreaming of his smooth caramel colored skin. The big, sexy smile with teeth so perfect they look like they could have been carved from ivory marble. The full lips that never seemed to have a chapped day. He did constantly smooth carmex over them, cherry flavored, in fact. She giggled as she thought of the taste of the cherry on her tongue. He had dark brown eyes that creased in the corners when he smiled or seem to look right through her when he was serious or being sensual. Well, as sensual as one can get at only 17 years old. The big zirconia that blinged from his right ear, giving him that street look. His hugs, oh boy, she was getting warm. They were so strong and comforting at the same time. She felt protected and something else she couldn’t pinpoint when he held her close. The feeling was something like excitement, a low stirring. It made her nervous and curious as to what was actually going on. Love, she thought. Giving word to a physical feel she has never encountered.
Someone knocked at her bedroom door.
Oh no!! She sunk down further in her bed and put on her slack, sick, sad face.
Her door creaked open. Her mother stuck her head inside.
“Um, Desiree, you did hear me call up for you, right? Church time; let’s get a move on it”!
Despite her irritated tone, Desiree didn’t budge, just groaned.
She heard footsteps coming towards her and closed her eyes quickly beneath the comforter. Warmth suddenly became cool as the comforter was removed. She opened her eyes and peered into her mom’s concerned brown eyes.
A twinge of guilt pierced her chest but she simply croaked,” mom, I’m not feeling good. It’s my stomach, cramps. I feel kinda yucky”.
Her mom looked up and to the side quickly, as if thinking and looked down sharply at Desiree, “your time of the month isn’t for another couple of weeks,” she looked at Desiree’s belly and placed her palm on it…..searchingly.
“What the heck is she doing”, Desiree thought.
“Have you been doing anything that might cause it to hurt”, her mother probed, watching her face, “like sex”?
Jesus! Desiree was so surprised by the unexpected question that her mother backed off, relieved by the reaction.
“What”, Desiree exclaimed, “mom, what kinda question is that”? It took every muscle in her face to prevent her from biting her bottom lip, which is always a telltale sign that she is nervous or lying.
Her mom smiled, “I’m sorry baby girl. I get worried. My baby is beautiful and the boys out here are smart and cunning. But I sometimes forget you are a wonderful child of God. You will never let a snake get to you and you bite that apple,” she put the comforter back in place, kissed Desiree’s forehead and looked at her lovingly.
“You go ahead and get some rest. When I get home I will make you some soup if you still feel bad”. She left.
She did feel bad, she lied to her mom. Not about having sex. No she hasn’t had that…………………yet. But today was that day that she promised Byron that she would give him some.
Outside of some hot kisses and touches, the good kind that made her skin tingle, she hasn’t done anything. She has told no one of what she was about to do. Not even her bff Evelyn, 15 as well, and a church girl like she was. She believed in waiting until she was married before sliding under the sheets with a boy. Desiree thought that way too, until Byron targeted her a few months ago and has been by her side since then.
Evelyn warned her about him constantly.
“He’s 2 years older than you Dee, don’t do it”.
“He has a rep as a player, he just want one thing”.
“It’s not what you learned about in church”.
“You’re going to get hurt”.
She stopped talking to Evelyn about it because she clearly did not understand it had nothing to do with him constantly asking for it, sort of. It had more to do with her wanting to because that exciting feeling she was having had to be satisfied. That’s what her instinct was telling her. If she only let him inside that yearning would stop. She needed it to stop!
She waited until she heard the car start up and pull off before she jumped out of bed to get ready. Her mom called her beautiful. She smiled. Not because her mom said it but because that’s what Byron always called her.
Her eyes roamed her body as she got ready to shower. Bronze smooth skin, cocoa eyes, framed by dark curly hair, and a body made for an 18 year old rather than a 15 year old. She laughed and said,” I get it from my momma.” Most girls didn’t envy her because she was nice and sweet to everyone. But she saw the guys looking but being a known church girl, most stayed away.
As she pranced in the mirror the scripture, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”, popped into her head and brought her prancing to a complete stop.
She shook her head. “Not now”, she mumbled to herself,” this is what happens when you’re in church most of your life”.
She quickly jumped in the shower.
Thirty minutes later she was dressed and waiting for him, nervously.
She has never had anyone inside her home without her parents’ permission, much less without them there! Desiree’s stomach was rolling and she went to the bathroom twice thinking she was going to have a situation.
She thought of church. She loved everyone there. The Pastor’s sermons were good and so easy to understand because he made sure his youth got the message too. She remembered a talk he had with the young women of the church. It was before Byron, when she pledged with Evelyn to wait.
“I understand that abstaining is hard”, he said as he walked the sanctuary, catching the eyes of the young girls,” but once you start, staying obedient becomes harder. How do you know what you are missing, if you stay obedient to God’s word and not venture there? He wants you to treasure the gift he has given you. He wants you to respect yourselves, your body. If your boo doesn’t understand that you want to follow God’s word and wait until marriage, he is not your soul mate. The man God has destined for you will understand this and respect it and hold his self in check. Because he knows a woman is a good thing. Your virginity is a present to that man; to know that he is your first and only. Do not give in to lust….you will fight to come back from it”.
“You will fight to come back from it”…..the thought bounced around Desiree’s brain. That urge she had below that was a simple knock asking for something to be let in would become a demanding pound that she will have to consistently open the door for.
She squirmed. She only meant to do it once. To know what it felt like and yes, to shut Byron up. Would she be able to stop? Would he leave her alone about it or………………….she squirmed again, will he just leave her alone once he got it?
Uuuuuurgh! Desiree ran downstairs to her dad’s “man cave”. Her parents may be faithful worshippers, but they still had a drink or two. And she was going to find that bottle her dad kept for game night with the fella’s. Desiree wasn’t that sneaky teen who drank on a regular basis. But she won’t lie and say her and Evelyn didn’t sneak a little now and then during sleepovers. It just made them giggly and then sleepy. But she knew enough that it would keep her mind from thinking about God’s word and her promise to Him.
At church Evelyn sat with her mom, half listening to the sermon. Pastor Freeny was speaking on listening to the guide given to us, the Holy Spirit. The Spirit that tells us right from wrong, that gives us understanding of the word, our personal counselor until the day Jesus returns. But Evelyn was too distracted to listen whole heartedly. She turned to look back at Evelyn’s parents, into the sermon, saying their amens, applauding, feeling the spirit. Why didn’t Dee call her and let her know she wasn’t coming? She sounded fine yesterday! She and Dee were very close. Have been since the 3rd grade when she was the new pudgy girl at school and the pretty Dee took her under her wing. More like Siamese twins than bff’s, she knew something was not right.
Maybe she was sick like her mom told her; maybe that’s why she is feeling weird. Evelyn sat erect, maybe she is sicker than her mom knows and that is why she is feeling something is wrong. Whatever it was, Evelyn was not about to just sit here.
She nudged her mom, “I’m going to go and check on Desiree,” she gathers her things purposely. She was a good girl but one who does what she believes is right whether anyone agreed or not.
Evelyn’s mom frowned,” what? The service isn’t over. We can go when it’s done”. She shook her head in frustration as Evelyn got up quietly anyway and kissed her cheek.
“Something is not right and that’s my girl. I need to check now. I have bus fare. I will be alright. Please come by and pick me up when service is done. Love you, bye”. She quickly departed before her mom could say anything else.
Byron pulled up to the dark blue, two level home with the yellow paneling and groomed front lawn with a big smile. He saw no cars, meaning the parents were doing their church thing just like Desiree told him. He looked at his time, 11:30 am. He had enough time to tear it up and get out of there before the parents came back.
He has waited 3 months for this. The longest he has every waited for a chick. They norm give it up with or without a drink after a few days. Ok, some even 2 weeks. But 3 months? If it wasn’t for the fact Desiree was so stacked in the right places and gorgeous he would have just left her alone. Every guy he knew wanted her. But so intimidated by her quiet, her sweetness, her Christian ways, they stayed away.
She shyly smiled at him one day as he walked in the cafeteria, as if her and her pal Evelyn was talking about him. It gave him the courage to come at her. Evelyn wasn’t bad either. High yellow, reddish hair, actually thicker than Desiree, but she definitely wasn’t going. She might as well have come with a sign that said “I belong to Jesus”.
Plus, Desiree was a virgin. Yeah, to most guys that was a no no, they wanted experience. But to Byron, it was just someone he could do anything to and she wouldn’t know right from wrong. Someone he could train to do exactly what he wanted, have her so sprung on just him, that’s all she would know and wanted. He licked his lips at the thought. Just like the rappers he listened to chanting “train that trick”, she’ll be begging only for him. No other nigga could satisfy her.
He had no plans on staying faithful. Hell, he was college bound in another year, a whole other school to dabble into. But in the meantime, in between time…..break this church girl in. It’s said they are the freakiest anyway.
He jumped out the car, looked around to make sure no nosy neighbors were looking and walked up to her door and rang the bell.
Desiree jumped and almost had a heart attack when she heard the bell. Her skin suddenly got cold and her arms broke out in chill bumps.
“Oh my God”, she thought nervously,” he’s here. She took some deep breaths. Still upset she couldn’t find her dad’s bottle of liquor. Fifteen minutes of the words fornication, sin, pain and lust were flying around her head, beating at her, causing her to get so dizzy she had to lay down for a while and catch her breath and collect herself.
But. She made a promise to Byron.
“You made a promise to God”, her spirit spoke.
She had to swallow the lump rising in her throat at the thought.
“Where is that urge down below”, she thought. This was easier when she was feeling the “love”. Now the feeling was muted.
She put on a quick smile and opened the door at the second bell ring. There he stood, smiling that gorgeous smile. She melted.
“What’s up beautiful”, he walked in and picked her up in a big bear hug as he closed the door with his foot.
“Man, she smells good and so soft”, he thought as his felt himself getting hot for her already.
She felt it too and wiggled out his arms nervously.
“Hey boo”, she fidgeted, as she didn’t know what to do next.
He looked around. Then looked up, looked back at her, expectantly. Her hair was down; face was fresh; she had a simple, pink camisole on, with, his eyes bulged, no bra. Maybe she did know what she was doing.
“So why don’t you show me your room”, he cheesed. She gulped.
Evelyn tried to call Desiree twice and there was no answer. Just unacceptable! She knew she could be a thorn in most people’s side, especially Dee’s. Dee was more care free than her, willing to try new things and experiences, while Eve held back more. But that was what kept them close, the ying yang factor. She restrained Dee when it was too much and Dee kept her somewhat open to some things.
Like this sex with Byron thing. What in the world was Dee thinking? The boy probably has been with 5 girls at the school that they knew about. That smile that Dee loved of his looked like the smile of a serpent to Eve. Eve also caught him looking at her like he could eat her up. The look she gave him back kept him from giving her that look again.
But she didn’t tell Dee. The girl was too wrapped in his mess to even hear her anymore.
But suddenly the conversations regarding him ceased. He and her hanging out when they could did not. So Eve didn’t understand.
She was 10 minutes from Dee’s home.
His hands and mouth haven’t taken a break from her the minute they hit her room.
Desiree struggled between frustration and desire. Slivers of warm tingles then slight panic.
When he brushed her lips with his, she felt a shiver of pleasure shoot through her stomach, when he hand brushed her breast, a mix of alarm and delight fought to reign supreme, when he rubbed her leg, she calmed down…..until the hand kept rising. Her anxiety increased.
Suddenly, she whispered,” Lord, help me”.
Eve jumped off the bus and jogged the 3 sunny blocks to her friend’s house. She stopped dead in her tracks 5 feet away because she knew that black 2010 Acura RL anywhere.
She felt her face flush with anger. How could Dee hold this from her? Why let him come over when her parents were out?
She felt sick, she knew why, and ran to the house.
“Stop Byron”, Desiree exclaimed, voice scared, all of 15 now. He touched her down there and she suddenly could not go through it.
He kept kissing her neck, the desire overwhelming him; she was so warm, so soft. Her breasts felt so good, her warmth below penetrated the tiny shorts she wore. He didn’t even hear her.
He tried to tug her shorts down. She looked at his eyes, glazed over, same grin plastered on his face. It wasn’t so gorgeous now.
She struggled to keep her shorts on, silently begging God to save her.
The bell rang, insistently. Evelyn was shouting her name.
Desiree eyes watered in relief as Byron seemed to slowly come down to earth. Her heart rated decreased along with his pulse. He sat up.
“What the hell is that Evelyn”? He looked down at the frightened Desiree, “are you ok”? He was alarmed.
He is already fighting an assault case. Last thing he needs is for another chick to be crying rape!
The bell and Desiree’s phone ringing simultaneously.
Evelyn was freaking out. Desiree just can’t do this to herself. Byron will never respect her. She knew he was a dog. “God has so much more for Dee”, she thought,” she will regret it’.
She banged on the door and almost fell in as it flew open.
Byron stood there, a contemptuous smile across his face,” what’s up Red”?
Evelyn almost hissed,” what are you doing here. Get out. And if you touched her……”, her trembling anger would not let her proceed.
Byron stepped around her, laughing,” yeah ok, whatever. Your girl is upstairs”.
He walked out, turned back around. “Hey”, he yelled out.
Evelyn turned around.
“When both of you’re ready to stop playing little kids, come see me. We all can have some fun……together”. He laughed and walked to his car.
Evelyn swallowed the words that were demanding to bust through her clenched teeth and slammed the door.
She ran upstairs to comfort her best friend. Praying her spirit, virtue and integrity were still intact.
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Thank you for writing about a topic which the enemy uses to assault all young people. Your story thoughtfully covered the full realm of how desire and disobedience so easily become a fleshly monster.