Pigs can fly, but not with me
by James Snyder
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It is time for good old Uncle George to pay up. For years, at least as long as I can remember, he always eluded everything by saying, "I'll do that when pigs fly." Or, "I'll give you $100 for that when pigs fly." My favorite might be, "I'll go to church when pigs fly."
Well, Uncle George, it is time for you to pay up for all of those promises in the past.
According to some airlines, pigs can fly. I am not sure I have all of the facts, but then again facts have little to do with most stories going around these days. All I know, certain airlines will allow you to carry on board your pet pig if it is important to you for your mental well-being. After all, only the pilots are allowed to be mentally off when it comes to flying.
I must confess that my least favorite mode of transportation is flying. Now, according to some rumors flying around, I have more reasons not to like flying.
I think the cost of flying his discouraged me from enjoying the flight. It seems terribly expensive to squeeze your body into the seat made for a person half your size so that you can pay double the price.
It takes me about a half hour to get myself squeezed into a seat and manipulate the seatbelt to go all the way around me. By that time, I need to go to the restroom. Why I do not think of that before I sit down is one of those mysteries of nature that never will be solved. Another half hour to extradite myself from the seat and go and stand in line at the restroom for another half hour and then come back and squeeze myself back into the seat and again manipulate the seatbelts. By that time, I am totally exhausted.
Another reason I am not too fond of flying has to do with the cuisine. When you mentioned airline food, the term cuisine does not readily come to mind. Whatever they serve on board has nothing whatsoever to resemble nutritious cuisine.
I think some of these people who are going to begin taking their pigs on board might take this into consideration. If the food is as bad as it has been, somebody, like yours truly, might look at that pig with a certain cuisine activity in mind. I am not adverse to a nicely roasted pork for lunch. In fact, I am going to start taking apples with me when I fly just in case the occasion presents itself.
I suppose the biggest reason I do not like flying has to do with the seats. Whoever designed airline seats never had an encounter with a real man. I believe they thought that the only people who would ever fly an airplane would be height-challenged people. Those who would not take up much space. Perhaps also they were thinking of people who were posteriorly-challenged.
Have you looked at people lately? There are very few posteriorly-challenged people left in the world anymore. Perhaps they were thinking of those days when people had to work their butts off making a living. Now, no such activity is being exercised in our country.
Now that pigs are going to be able to fly the friendly skies, what's next?
I have endured all kinds of people during my years of flying. Now, not only do I have to share my seat with suffocating, boring, chatty people, but also I need to make room for pigs.
Who was it that made this decision? Who was it that sat down and said, "You know, I think it would be a good idea if we allowed pigs to fly on airplanes."
It is obvious that the people who made this decision are not familiar with pigs. Perhaps they were thinking of Porky Pig. Now, there is a pig I would not mind traveling with in the friendly skies. The conversation would probably be better than some of the conversations I have had in similar situations. Of course, his stuttering might drive me crazy.
Being a country boy, I know what a pig is. My grandfather used to raise pigs, so, I have been around pigs and know what they are like and, most importantly, how bad they smell. It is a well-known fact that the reason pigs have such large snouts is because they smell so bad. And they enjoy smelling bad.
I can think of one reason why the airlines want to include pigs in the list of passengers. Most of them serve food only a pig would like.
I know that being "politically correct" is a mandate in our culture. I further know that criticizing stupidity in our culture is a huge no-no. In fact, to recognize such absurdity is a reflection upon your character. For anybody to think that a pig does not belong in a seat beside you as you fly the friendly skies is some kind of antediluvian moron.
I think Solomon got it right when he said, "And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow" (Ecclesiastes 1:17-18 KJV).
Uncle George, it is pay up time, Iíll see you in church Sunday.
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