I have for the last couple of years noticed that my life was spiraling out of control. I harbored deep rooted resentments, and pain inside of me that had been growing since the age of eight most of it stemmed from growing up in a dysfunctional family where my mother was a alcoholic. I still remember those times when arguing and fighting was a frequent event that took place at my home.
I carried the pain and resentment through out my teen years and as an adult. What made this thing so bad was even though those unresolved feelings concerning my past were still alive inside of me. There were other obstacles through out my life such as anger and guilt that took root inside of me
I could not maintain a healthy relationship with any one; mainly men. I was used up and thrown away like a used paper towel that always found itself in the trash can and that was what I felt inside with each situation and circumstances that I faced.
Inside of my mixed up mind there were elements of my past and present that were fighting to gain space in my overflowing mind. I stayed sick. I stayed depressed and I stayed suicidal. I hated my life but most damaging was I hated my self
I knew that I was only here because my God loves me. I knew that he had carried me through all the rough times even when I wished that I would not wake up the next morning and the fact was I really did not want too.
In the midst of my madness I developed many self destructive things that allowed me to endure the enormous pain that was slowing killing me. I was emotionally and physically abused by my boyfriend. I was in a place so dark that in my sick thinking I felt I deserved it all. But the most deadly and crippling was the disease of addiction.
My drug of choice was cocaine and it was literally leading me to my death. During my active addiction. One day after using heavily I wanted to drive my car off the bridge in the river and die. Isolation and depression was ruling my life... That night I texted four people that loved me and told them what I was going to do. I sat in my car and just watched the phone as multiple calls and left messages came in. I never returned any of the calls... I did read their response; each response was one of genuine concern and love for me. But I could not see it or feel it at that time.
I am thankful today that my will did not line up with his will for my life. God has other plans for me and once God has begum a work he will see it until it comes to pass... God showed me that he loves me more than I love myself.
At that point; I was ready to surrender to everything. I found an out patient program for my substance abuse issue that not only centered on the substance but the core of why I felt I needed the substance. I was able to get over my biggest hurdle which was my mother’s drinking.
Through what was called the “Empty Car” I was able to talk to her as if she actually was there and tell her how I felt all this time after taking to her I had to reverse it. I had to sit in the same chair and I tried to in vision I was her and what she would say to me if she was here (my mother is deceased now).
It was as experience I will never forget. But the rewards came afterwards Ifelt that all the pain of my past and feeling of been not loved by her had gone I felt lighter inside and I cried like never before not because I hurt but because I was happy.
Then I stared going to Narcotics Anonymous. When I attended my first NA meeting it was un like anything I could have imagined I was welcomed with open arms from sisters and brothers that did not know me. I felt like this was really the place for me. Then and there I surrender to the God and I have been glowing since then...
I found serenity in the rooms of NA. At the beginning of every meeting we all say the Serenity Prayer. Which states” God grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can not change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
My literature tells me something so simply. I have live Just for Today in this recovery. It reads:” Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without drugs. Just for today I will have faith in some one in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today I try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life. Just for today I will be unafraid; my thoughts will be on my new associations people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear...
My thoughts concerning my recovery are simple. I had to let go and let God not only with drugs but in every aspect of my life. I had to turn my will over to God. Today God is truly blessing me not only the things I am seeing now but what is yet to come in my future.
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