In 2009, I worked at Sutherland as a Call Center Agent and left after a year, because I got burnt out. After a month, my brother got chicken pox and infected all of us. While I was working at Sutherland 10-15% of my compensation goes to skin care products, because I wanted to have a certain glow. I despised my brother because I was blaming him for all the scabs and scars, and I told him that I will not stop blaming him until the scars disappear. I never found contentment, I jumped from one call center to another, and because my passion is to teach science I tend to compensate through talking to my customers in a very scientific way that at times they didn't understand me. I also got around and told people that my life is worthless because I am doing the things I hate (Apologizing and empathizing on behalf of the company) to earn money to buy the things I want. So it was "do the things you hate to buy the things you want." Due to the bitterness in me that consumes me, I had a psychosomatic disorder, I pretended to be sick, I usually submit myself into the E.R. and fake the symptoms of a disease (I was a nursing student) and I was good at it. I would secure a medical certificate just to skip one day of work. After too much lies...
God has probably heard the complains of my heart. I was diagnosed with PTB at the age of 21, after 21 years, we started renting a house as well, and no matter how much I want to work in the industry I hated, they won't allow me. At this point, I was faking that I was well, but the x-ray films tell otherwise. We suffered so much that I was filled with hatred towards my Father because he could not find some decent food for us.
We called one of our uncles in the U.S to ask for help, I only spoke to him twice, and the 1st time I spoke to him, I only said 2 words, "Merry Christmas". That call was different, he talked to me about GOD and the Bible. He encouraged me to read the bible. After about 3-4 days I started reading. Eventually, my brother brought home a Bible (International Version) and I started reading. That night, I was literally hungry, as we only ate rice with soy sauce, and I only ate once that day. So I started crying, I prayed and I asked "God, why is this happening to me? What shall I do?" Then I opened the bible and end up with Lamentations 3:13-64 (Lamentations is just a short part of the bible that if you try to find it in one turn, it is nearly impossible). After a few minutes of reading, I remembered all the wrongdoings I have done. Then I realized that I had turned into a monster, I blamed my brother for the chicken pox but it could've been my karma, and I could've been the one who brought this upon our family. The irony is that the brother who I was blaming was the one who gave me the Bible. I hated my father for not giving us food to eat, when I myself was doing nothing to fend for myself. I also read from 2 Thessalonians 3:10 "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.'"
I realized that I have brought the PTB upon myself because I bought skin care products, not vitamins, I bought C2 Greentea, not milk and worse, I blamed others to cover-up my shortcomings overlooking my glaring ineptitude. At this point, I remembered what Lola Cora told me "Magsimba kayo". At this point I have listed down all my sins and I stopped at some numbers and say "God, why have I done this? Whatever pushed me to do such things, please forgive me" and then I would get a goosebump and feel lighter. I also remembered the song "and he said cast your burdens upon me those who are heavily laden..." (I am literally teary now just writing this line). At 1 am, I received a call, my mother told me that Lola Dada will send us some money (My mom has never called at 1am until that day). I honor this as God's way of saying I forgive you and I heard your cries.
Apologizing was something I hated, but it is so easy apologizing to God. No Spa, skin care product or stress reliveing activity can give you peace, similar to the peace given by God. Now I am 100% sure that I love GOD and GOD loves me more than I love him. Let us not blame God if we are suffering, because our suffering is just a result of our past actions. But let us honor everyday and every blessing as a gift from God. When your heart is filled with pain that no aspirin or analgesic can cure, turn to God. Physiologic disorder is to Medicine; Idiopathic problems (including emotional turmoils) is to FAITH...
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