The molestation that I endured has been over for a long time, but the effects that it has emotionally and physically and mentally still lingers like a nightmare. I hope and pray to my LORD that this article is seen by men and women who have suffered this type of crime and may gain some healing through this story. My name is Jimmy and I grew up in my grandfather’s house where me and my so-called dad shared a bedroom and bed for my first eight years of my life. One night I woke up to my dad playing with my “private” parts. It was very confusing because I knew what he was doing was wrong, but fear of my father was great because he was mean as a demon from hell. Between the ages of five to seven did my father molest me and it got to the point where I jumped up and started screaming for help. Other family members would hear me and knock on the door only to have my father tell them I just had another bad dream. Meanwhile he is giving me a dirty look not to say anymore and the fear was so great of my father.
When I was about nine my father got remarried and just my luck my step-mother was very mentally and physically abusive. I would go to school with a purple ear where she would hit me upside the head. One time it was so severe I ran next door to my friend’s house screaming for help. Now my friend’s mom was a social service worker and guess what, she would not even do her job and call this abuse in, but gave in to my father’s request not to do it. Even though my father knew of this mental and physical abuse he did nothing. Over time I began to fight back using knives, forks or whatever I could pick up. Schools teachers wondered why I seemed to be “troubled”. Finally after much endurance I got to the age where I could decide to live with my mother (who was proven unfit as a mother one year after I was born) by this time she has won visitation right 10 years later. As I moved in I felt like a weight has been lifted off me only to find out that the mental and emotional damage is still there. I had a hard time being sociable in high school so I dropped out and went to JOB CORP. By the time I was 16 I have earned my GED and was enrolled in Central Virginia Community College taking on Administration of Justice degree. I felt hope for the first time only to realize I just couldn’t cope with what happen to me. So I turned to drugs to help, smoking marijuana seemed to do the trick. One fat joint and all my pain went away and I loved it. I felt like I was damaged goods. I argued with GOD about why I was born in a hell hole family. If God loved me why would he allow this to happen to a defenseless kid? Where was HIS Almighty power at when you need it? Daniel survived the lion’s den, Moses crossed the red sea, and Jesus raised the dead. But somehow God seemed to be unavailable for me. I used to pray for GODS help only to hear silence. There was an inner rage going on inside and I didn’t know how to handle it. Drugs were only a temporary fix. The pressure to make something of myself was on my mind so I ended up joining the US ARMY for a short time of four years. When I got out I felt like it was time to confront my father because he wasn’t going to beat me no more now because of my size and strength. Needless to say it didn’t turn out to good and I and my father truly have no communication anymore. I hated my father with a hate passion. I would envision killing my father over and over and over. My mind even though it was strong had no defense when it came to those memories of molestation.
In 2004 my granddad died and I loved my granddad with my whole heart. After his burial I went straight into drugs hardcore. With his death and the molestation I went through, I felt like my spirit finally broke. Just something inside my heart said “f it all”. I smoked weed, crack, and meth and popped those oxicotin pills like there was no tomorrow, just totally defeated. I just had this rage inside and couldn’t get it out.
By July of 2005 on my 30th birthday I decide that I need help. I had some Christian friends who took me to Applebee’s for a steak and they like had no clue I was using hardcore drugs because I was a functional addict. I never let anyone know what I was dealing with. I called around seeking help when I found out the Westminster Rescue Mission. I didn’t have a clue what it was about until I called and talk to a pastor. I was like “wow” a real pastor wants me to come in the program right now. So I did and I quit my job, gave away all my stuff at my apartment. I did not care about no physical possession’s at all just wanted help. I could feel GOD always toughing on my heart, but now it was really strong to do this program.
This program really is just a six month bible school; because for six months all you do is learn about GOD. Like every Christian I ran across a road block, it was called “Forgiveness”
The motto of the Rescue Mission was “Forgiven”, and you guessed it I have to forgive my father. Boy did I laugh at that on the inside. Thought God was joking, “me forgive that evil child molester after what he did to me”, come on this is bullcrap. The Holy Spirit started to talk to me in that chapel. I could hear inside my head as loud as two people talking, God telling me that he loves me. I cried in that chapel, I broke down like a Chevy truck in need of an overhaul. I was a trashcan waiting to be cleaned out of all the dirty rotten trash. It was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that yes what happen to me was wrong and yes my dad should be punished, but I failed to “see” in the eternal sense from Gods prospective. Isaiah 55:8 for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
The trespass my father did to me does not even compare to eternity and where my father will spend it. My father salvation is a greater concern. To forgive and pray for him is need more than anything. Think and meditate on Jesus Christ words in Matt 5:46 for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?
Grace and Mercy has been given to me and I am not worthy of such a FREE GIFT. My father also needs that same grace and mercy. So it has been credited to me because I choose to “Agape” Love my father and forgive and pray that the Lord draws him. As of 2012 I have been married for 2 years and have a beautiful wife and daughter named Gracie. At the age of 36 life is looking good and peaceful and I am thankful to my Lord Jesus Christ our Saviour.
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thank you Jesus. I know it must've been really hard for you. I can't even imagine. I pray God's continued grace and healing power in your life, and God would use what the devil meant for bad and turn it around for good. I pray for his peace and righteous thoughts to always be in your mind in Jesus name. blessings