Perhaps, it is true when people say ďLife is full of pretensionsĒ. Itís so difficult to pretend that you are happy when deep inside your heart you are not. Itís hard to show that you are just fine when you know that you were really broken. You have to be strong though you know to yourself that you really feel weak. It hurts when you push yourself hard to stand up when you are toppled down best.
It seems everything is just a facade of what is really hidden within. Concealed with every sweet smile manifested is actually a most painful wound left opened. Behind the jokes and laughs, hurtful truths were left unspoken. Oneís own darkest sentiments are wrapped with phony giggles and humorous thoughts. Sorrow underlies joy. Itís a foolish thing to pretend to be intact when you are really torn into pieces. What hurts even more is the fact that you are stumbled down and you feel like no one cares at all. No one sees every affectation, with every deception. No one understands. No one!
But the question isÖ Is it really true that no one sees every adversity that we experience? Is there anyone who could look inside each heart and understand? Will there be someone whom an individual can be true to himself and stop from pretending?
When I was younger, I feel exactly the same. I feel like people around me expect a lot from me. I hate disappointments. I hate to be seen as a weak person, I need to always be strong because people count on me.I am always seen as being perfect. I hate to commit mistakes; it will surely frustrate me. My mind is set on always being the bestÖ yes, the best in everythingÖ
But I never noticed that I am already loosing my own self. I have forgotten how to be a true person. In everything I do, I always wear that mask to hide everything. To hide all the pains that I have in my heart, all the fears that mortify meÖ my insecuritiesÖ In my world, there is no place for any mistakes. There is no room for any flaws. My life revolves around a fate where I should excel in almost all things. And Iím getting tired of being a fake person. I wonder if there would be someone who would feel each pain that I hide inside my heart. Someone to whom I can be myself, and tell everything flowing from my heartÖ everythingÖ no lies, no pretensions; whom I can cry out loud, and will see the real me.
Iíve searched eagerly everywhere just to find that Someone, without even noticing that He is in all places, all corners of this world. That Someone is even in me, living in my heart. Iíve been very blind just because I am centered in gazing around; hoping to find someone whom can accept me for what and who I really am. Until, he made His way for me to meet him. In the midst of my deepest sorrow, He made himself known. That was the first time that I felt loved and accepted unconditionally. I felt for the first time that I donít need to pretend to be somebody else; that I can be myself with this Someone. That moment, all I know is I am understood and carefully handled with a big gentle hand. Do you know who is He? He is Jesus. He placed me away from darkness; He placed me in his loving arms. And as I walk closer to Him, I come to realize that I am not living on my own and for my own. I am here for my God, for my Lord. Now, I donít have to pretend that I am the best. God is the only One who is the best. I donít need to pretend that I am strong because I know I am really not. But even though, my Godís strength is sufficient in my weakest moment. Because in every tear that i cry, with every pain that I bear, and with all the struggles and sufferings that I've been through, God sees them all. After all, this journey of life is never about my life story, but the story of Godís love for you and for me.
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