This past weekend I was informed with some devastating information from my 19 year old daughter. The only child I have. This information came with no warning. It just came out of the blue. I was speechless, confused, hurt, and angry all at the same time. Instantly, tears began to flow from my eyes. In the back of my mind I had an idea of where this was coming from but I was praying I was wrong.
My daughter and I have had a strained relationship for many years. I take the majority of the blame because I was a single mother raising a child and had no idea what I was doing. During her childhood and early adolescent years I made several bad choices. Because of those choices I scared her emotional and physical growth.
My daughter never knew the many demons that were living inside of me. Growing up in a dysfunctional family that was plagued with physical abuse between my parents and a mother that was an alcoholic, the images and scenes are still to this day vivid. Because I couldn’t resolve these issues they stuck inside of me like glue.
My daughter along with others felt my hurt, and pain in a number of negative ways. In efforts to give me a momentary relief I turned to drugs. I allowed myself to become a victim of emotional and physical abuse. I didn’t feel good about myself. I had no self esteem. I was a mess.
I did find comfort in all my turmoil. It was in God’s word, in 1Corinthians 10-13 God says “ No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape that you may be able to bear". That scripture is what helped me to continue with life
In efforts to try to mend my relationship with my daughter, I sent her to live with her father. I had to do something I owed her that much. Plus, she had on several occasions told me that she wanted to go live with him thinking to myself surely he would help.
Sadly to say the grass was not greener on the other side. My daughter had a short stay with her father. It was plagued with frequent calls to DCF by my daughter, she runaway multiple times and even spent a brief time in foster care. But that wasn’t the worst. My daughter became pregnant at the age of seventeen. I wasn’t even told by my daughter or her father but by her social worker. Efforts between myself and my sister she came back home not to live with me, temporary custody was given to my sister because of my past history.
The guilt I felt inside was at times unbearable. I knew that in order to maintain some sort of relationship with her I had to take unspeakable abuse. That abuse mainly came from her but also came from my sister and her kids. Many times I would go home after seeing her crying but I was determined to be there providing for her. I was going to see my granddaughter no matter what I had to endure. Anyway, I was use to being treated this way. I had endured a lot worst prior to this; I could take it.
After my granddaughter was born, she continued to live with my sister. I began a special bond with my granddaughter and felt that God had truly given me another chance with my daughter. I was there when she was born and even cut her cord. She loved me and I felt it all over. When I would come around she would scream uncontrollably as I walked in the door she would stretch her arms out for me to pick her up. She has the biggest chinaberry eyes and a smile that made me melt. I think what made our bond so special was the fact that she didn’t know my past she just loved her ‘Me mama” which is what she called me. I felt God had also given me life again.
As a couple of years past, my relationship with my daughter had some sparks of mending but never really continued on a regular basis. I still maintained a wonderful relationship with my granddaughter. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. My daughter knew this and to get back at me she used the baby against me. It was I guess her way of hurting me for all I had done to her during her life.
So, when my daughter told me that she had something to tell me. In a million years, I wasn’t prepared for the words that came out of her mouth. She told that less than a week from now that she and the baby were moving out of town to Cleveland, Ohio. Her father use to live there but the baby father lived there now. Prior to this conversation, me and my daughter had a bad argument and she told me that she was going to take the baby and I won’t be able to see her or tell her(my daughter) what to do in regards to taking care of her child.
At that point, I finally saw how deeply my daughter hated me. I didn’t know how deep it was. I couldn’t believe the little girl that I had raised had so much hate inside of her. I tried desperately to talk her out of going. Not only was she taking her miles away she was taking her to a place where it was very cold. It snows in Cleveland in the winter. My daughter knows that because I had taken her there several times to see her father. My granddaughter has asthma which means being in cold weather doesn’t help she can get a simple cold and it would trigger her asthma. It was evident that none of that mattered to her. She had it all planned for some time to make this move.
I thank God that he gave me another chance with my daughter but most importantly he looked beyond all my faults and saw a need that need was the precious angel he blessed me with my granddaughter. I have nothing but great memories of the times she lived with me, the times we went to the park, store or simply looking at “Sponge Bob” which was her favorite.
Those memories I keep in my heart when I am sad.
I can’t question the whys? But I do know that God Knows Best. I know that he makes no mistakes. He will protect them both wherever they go. He will feed them, clothe them. Whenever there is any need; he’ll be there. I am sadden by her actions but my God has a reason for everything he does.