Thoughts About My Life
by Julia May
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Just Some Thoughts…
I used to write all the time. For whatever reason, whether it be lack of time, or lack of inspiration, I haven’t written anything in more than a year. Today, God gave me the urge to write again. I think it may be healing for me to write. It’s time to let it all out.
The past 5-6 months have been full of changes in my life. We moved in July, I lost my Mama to cancer in August, lost a good friend and sister in Christ early September and then on September 27th I lost my job.
The move was great. This is the home of my dreams…nothing extravagant, but very comfortable and it fits…it just feels like home. Losing my Mom was very traumatic. I had known for several years that she was in bad health but when the day comes that you have to say good-bye, it is still very hard. The last year or so of her life she was totally bedridden. That meant changing diapers, sponge baths, etc. It was not an easy task to deal with but I helped as much as I could and went to see her every day after work and spent Sunday afternoons with her. If I am being totally honest, I would have to say there were times after working all day when I did not want to or feel like going over there…but I rarely missed a day. I knew she needed and depended on me and now I am so glad I took the time to be with her as much as I possibly could. We talked a lot about things of the heart…she told me things about her childhood and early memories of her and my Daddy that are priceless in my memory vault…
On the day when she left this world her breathing was very rattled and the cancer in her lungs was taking its toll. We had only brought her home from the hospital about a week before. For the past three or four days she was totally unconscious but somehow we knew she could hear us and knew she was not alone. That day the Hospice nurse said her time was very close. I left work at 5:00 and got to her house just before 6:00. Shortly after she started to rouse and could not breathe deeply. My brother and his wife had been with her all day and had to leave. He told her good-bye and let her know that it was alright if she couldn’t make it until he came back. He told her he loved her and that he would see her again someday. It was a very hard thing to witness…
After they left she really started to rattle in her lungs and was gasping for breath. My sister was there and was at Mom’s side holding her hand. Her eyes were fully open and she was staring intently at Sue who was trying to comfort her. I think Mama knew it was time…Sue went out of the room and Mom’s shallow breath seemed to get even more rattled. I knew I had to do the same thing as my brother. I got right in her face and told her that her struggle to breathe was just too hard. I said “Jesus is waiting for you Mama…you will walk again and this time on streets of gold! It’s ok to go be with Jesus. Don’t worry about us. We will miss you so much but we will be ok and one day we will all be together again.” Then I said “I love you so much, Mama. Thank you for being my Mama.” Although she couldn’t speak, she made a groaning sound and I knew she was saying she loved me too. Then, she gave up and went to meet her Lord in the air….
That was the hardest thing I believe I have ever done but I felt it was necessary….
Losing my friend, Ninette to a car accident was a shock. I had seen her just the night before at Church. She hugged me tight like she always did and told me she loved me. She was probably the most spiritual person I have ever known…Ninette loved her some Jesus and was never ashamed to show it. I miss her…and I am so glad I was blessed to be a part of her life. I learned a lot from Ninette.
The job situation got a little better for a few days and life started happening again as it always does. Life gets in the way of grief so we just keep on keeping on and push everything inside, don’t we? Then at the end of September, I was told after 13 years of good service with my company, that I was not needed anymore. I had never once been reprimanded or had any problems…and had always received good if not excellent reviews. Wow…imagine the shock. I had survived three layoffs in recent years so thought maybe I was safe but my new boss had other plans. At first I was very bitter. Later God started working on my heart and said in that still small voice, “pray for that lady.” “Really…God??? Pray for her?” “YES” was His reply (not quite as still and small this time) - So I did…Last week I heard she was let go from her position after being there only a year. I guess that’s one reason why God made me pray but the most important reason was for me...He loves me so much that He knew my prayers for this person who hurt me - would in turn, heal me.
I have adapted to being a housewife pretty well. If you told me 6 months ago that I was gonna lose my job, I would have freaked about how I would pay my bills! But somehow God already had it all worked out and He continues to bless me and my family. Like the Crabb family song says “I have food on my table and shoes on my feet….Thank you, Lord for your blessings on me!!!”
Recently my mother-in-law had a stroke and has been staying with us. She lost some feeling in her left leg and is now trying to walk again with the use of a walker. It has been therapy for me to take care of her but I have to say it brings back painful memories of Mama that I have had to work through and give them over to God. Again, I realize…it’s all in God’s plan of healing for my heart. How does the God of the universe care so much for me? He always knows just what we need and just when we need it. As Romans 8:28 says; ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’
I have learned through all of this that people are so important to God and He loves each and every one of us more than we will ever realize on this earth. He brings people into our lives for all different reasons. Most of all to help us grow into His image, I believe. Christ’s only two commandments were to Love God with all our hearts and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Many people have come and gone in my life – for whatever reason. Each one has touched my heart. Some are passed away, some I used to worship with and some I worked with and no longer see, they will always hold a place in my heart and in my prayers.
I am a work in progress…my two granddaughters who live with me say I gripe all the time…maybe so. They don't like to clean their rooms, they don't like to go to Church but would rather sleep all day. But what they do not realize is that although I am a Christian…I am by no means perfect. Sometimes I get angry and discouraged, sometimes I hurt and sometimes I cry…I want them and all my grandchildren to grow into responsible adults who love Jesus just as much as I do. That is the best for them…it’s not how many things they have or how popular they are or how much money they make later in life. To me, it’s about teaching them to be clean (inside and out), to be responsible for their own actions, to be above reproach when it comes to character and integrity and to love God with all their hearts and love their neighbor as they love themselves. Those are the things that are important in this life. I pray one day they will “get it.”
I don’t know what life holds for me now. I am still looking for a job but if it doesn’t happen, I will keep on trusting my Lord because He is in control. And this I fully well know…Thanks for listening and God bless!
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Hi Julia, I am glad that you responded to the urge to write again. It will help to bring healing (speaking from experience). I am sorry that you are facing so many losses. It is a season we all have to go through but it affects us all in different ways. Whatever you do please do not suppress the grief or it will rob you of your joy. As you grieve the loss of loved ones and the changes with work and your moth-in-law's illness, I pray that God will strengthen you to go through, gracefully. The bible says that "the joy of the Lord is our strength." Therefore His strength will help you to maintain your peace and your joy will be full. I continue to pray with you sister. God bless you as you journey through. You have already overcome (Romans 8:35-39).
Julia--Priase the Lord that you are making it through all of your cicumstances of hardship, pain, and grief. Thank you for sharing your faith in our loving Lord who does provide. God bless you with finding a job soon.
((( HUGS ))). You have been through so much - when it rains it pours but it seems God poured His blessings on you so that you would stand firm on the foundation of faith. Keep writing my precious sister and know how deeply moved I was reading from you this morning . The light of Christ continues to shine bright from your heart. God bless you always , Julie
Hello Julia, I am so sorry for the pain and the losses you have experienced these past six months. God has and is still bringing you through some hard trials. Your willingness to continue trusting in your Lord is commendable and inspirational. And your obedience in praying for one who fired you is exemplary. But more than that, it is a thing most beautiful. Your simple trust is encouraging to me and I thank you for sharing your heart and your life with us. You are a lovely example of a Christian woman. I will thank God for you in prayer and ask His blessing on you. Linda
Sister, welcome back to writing. I love you and your open heart. This article has moved me deeply. I pray for you and your family. I am sorry for your losses and I praise you for your faith. This is an inspirational article for all to read. This demonstrates someone who has a close relationship with our Lord and trusts Him in all things. God bless you.