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I didn't know
by tanya Johnson
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I didn't know it would be like this. I feel so bad.
I didn't know I'd feel so so sad.
I didn't know depression would come
I didn't know I would constantly hear the hum
I didn't know alcohol would visit me
I didn't know it would be hard to let it go you see
I didn't know I'd cry all the time
I didn't know it was a crime
I didn't know the bad dreams would be
I didn't know they'd constantly harass me
I didn't know the sounds, the cries
I didn't know it'd bother me so much, there were no byes
I didn't know how hard I'd fall
I didn't know how hard it'd be to heed the call
I didn't know about the guilt and the shame
I didn't know it wasn't a game
I didn't know satan was behind it all
I didn't know I was his puppet, he made me crawl
I didn't know he was laughing at me
I didn't know how much God loved me
I didn't know forgiveness you see
I didn't know how to forgive me
I didn't know before it was too late
I didn't know myself I'd hate
I didn't know the thoughts of torment would be
Until I had that abortion, it became a reality
When I thought I couldn't take any more of this
God stepped in and rebuked satan back to the abyss
I'm free, I'm free, I'm forgiven you see
The hardest thing of all was me forgiving me
I knew God was a God of forgiveness and a God of love
But I felt I needed to be punished, so I wouldn't accept Him above
He hung on the cross for all the horrible things
For all the sins the devil could ever bring
Thank you Jesus for helping me
I didn't know but you helped me see
I had an abortion when I was 15 years old. I became an alcoholic for 4 years after this. I knew God was a forgiving God, but I felt like I didn't deserve His forgiveness. So I ran from Him. One day, a friend told me, Tanya, you need to forgive yourself for what you did. It was like a light bulb went off. I was in church, and I just lifted up my hands and said, "God, help me to forgive myself." It didn't happen over night, but overtime, as I allowed God to give me the strengh, forgiveness came. Then I was able to accept His forgiveness. I know this sounds strange, but so true. I had written all these graphic poems of what I felt like my unborn child was thinking. One day, I felt like the Lord said to take all those poems and throw them away. As the poems left my hand and fell into the trash can, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off me. The depression left. I thank God for keeping me all those years. Over time, I had to forgive my exboyfriend who had really pushed for me to have it at the time. He used to tell me, Tanya, just get over it. Then years later, when he was really struggling with it, I told him the same. But I felt convicted of God. I thought I had let it go. I hadn't. Months later when he called me back I was able to minister to him about forgiving himself just as I had to do. Only then was he able to release it. We both released it to God.
To anyone out there who has had an abortion, forgive yourself and accept God's forgiveness. You can't do it on your own, but through the grace of God, you can do it. Don't go another day wondering what could of been. Sure, there are times I think around spring time, how old the baby would have been, but my mind doesn't stay there. I don't allow it to go back.
I've learned not to judge other people that have done this. Before I had the abortion, I said I'd never do anything like that. You don't know what you'd do until you're in that situation.
Cry out to God. Forgive yourself. Accept God's forgiveness. Trust Him. Let Go.
In Jesus name.

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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