I was sitting here at my computer this morning reading on my most favorite author's website/blog. His name is Dr. Wayne Dyer. One of his books has been my most favorite book called 'Real Magic'.
For years I have kept a copy of his book so, I could go to it and read at anytime. It's so positive and I understand almost all that is written in it.. I know that what he writes is the truth.
I keep 2 copies now, one by my bedside and one in my artroom in the bookcase which is actually a pretty ... baker's rack! You wouldn't expect 'just a bookcase' in one's... artroom! :)))))
I rewrote my story about the strange events that happened over time after my mother died. I submitted it and whether it's used or not, it ceased to be important to me. It accomplished two things for me, it gave me a chance to really write something and helped me make a decision . It seemed to be the catalyst to make me begin writing my real stories... with my real name. I began to yesterday.
At first I was hoping so much that the author, who along with his publisher, is going to do a book with real paranormal happenings would choose my story. Yesterday I worried that they wouldn't and I'd be a 'failure' at writing. I thought about this last night and this morning when I got up.
Something told me to just 'simply let go'.... if it is one of the stories chosen, I would be so happy. If it isn't one of the ones chosen... so be it... it's not the end of the world. Also, positive came from sitting there while writing it... the decision to write under my real name and to write like 'this' (how I'm doing now)........ as Granny Gee. Just like I named my Blog..... I'm HappyColors and Granny Gee... That's Me! I'm all the same person.
I think I began to take things too seriously and became afraid that somehow, I wasn't being honest using a pseudo-name... or maybe I felt I would be embarassed at writing and failing... maybe I felt both ways!
I am learning that in the writer's world, that's exactly what some authors do. Anyway, from now on... I will just continue writing as myself.... be it Granny Gee or Gloria Faye Brown Bates... it's all me, and you all will recognize me. If I fail.. then.. I simply do. But............
Just like I've done through my whole life, I am going to.... get back up and dust my pants off, and hold my ground again. One way or the other, I am going to win ..in a good way. It may be a way that not everyone sees.
It's like when I draw and paint... even years down the road people 'recognize my style', though ...I'm not the best in the world, I do have my own style... by the way.. I get lost in painting and cutting out and 'building' my pictures. I never do anything the same, nor draw and paint with just one medium... it's whatever I feel at 'that' time.
I began writing to have fun... and the fun was disappearing and I was having such mixed feelings, it even affected my dreams.
So... now, if I am just 'me'... later I don't have to change a thing because I'm already established at the beginning. You might think .. wow, she's so honest. You are so right.... I do try to be as honest as possible... I don't like to be something I'm not, nor give that impression......... at one point or other in one's life if they aren't pretty-much honest... it will bite them in the ass... I still have scars for it! I've been bitten alot, and I will tell you this now...... it hurts! Not only does it hurt, it's embarassing. No one likes a sore ass, nor do they like to be embarassed... I'm no exception.
If I don't want to talk about something when asked, I will honestly say 'I don't want to talk about it'. I won't lie. If I do want to talk... then, you have someone who has a lot to say! I love to talk and say alot of things... it's just fun! As long as those things don't hurt others. I can't sit and just hurt people to be hurting them. I care for even 'my enemies'... I mean that with my heart. I work on learning forgiveness at all times.
I've shocked people whom I've forgiven for awful things they've done through the years to me. I have watched the same things happen to other people.. they never forgave and went on to be bitter people.... their bitter feelings revealed in everything they said or..done. I'm determined not to be like that.. I want to forgive, I want to not be angry all the time (I am, I'm not, I am.... I'm both, to be truthful... and I laugh about it). My 'angry feelings'.... no longer are the 'hate-anger' I grew up with. Truthfully... I don't think I'm angry now, though sometimes I feel I am.
I can hear you thinking... I don't understand. Well.... I don't either! I'm always different ways ... I change colors all the time in my life... but... I'm still 'me'. I'm still here, and no matter what color I am today..or tomorrow, I am still 'me'. I'm still a good person.
I really, truly could have become a very bad person many years ago, the path was set in front of me. It invited me to come on down that path to things I didn't want to be a part of. Do you know that old saying... something about 'if you play with fire, you'll get burned by fire'?
Well, it's really true...... no matter you are thinking you don't mean any harm, you are just curious. Young people are too curious for their own good and things look so inviting and... wonderful. They can become caught up in the very things they don't won't to be tangled up in... some manage to become 'untangled'....... sadly, some don't. Some don't ever come away to wear a scar, they don't even get to do anything...ever again.
This is what parents are always warning young people about... 'don't run with the wrong crowd'..... and as my Grandma Alma (I loved you so much, grandma)........ as she used to say and I firmly believe she was so right... she would say 'birds of a feather flock together'.
Grandma, how right you are! You told me that a person's friends reflect who he is. Just look at a person's friends.... they will be a mirror of the 'real' person. It doesn't matter if they are poor or rich, ugly or beautiful... it matters if they are 'good' people.
In my many years I've had both kinds of friends.... I learned to go my own way and have only several 'close' friends. I know that I'm not ashamed of the few I've chosen to be real friends, they are real people, good people.
This isn't to say I'm perfect, or they are perfect........................ we nearly are! I don't believe I'm making a joke right here! :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm joking, I couldn't resist! No, I'm surely not perfect, though honestly.... at one period in my life for about 3 years I tried so hard ... really believing I could be!!! How dumb is that!?
I tried to please everyone in my work enviroment at the hospital, I dressed perfectly, my hair and makeup was perfect, I spoke perfectly, I smiled perfectly, everything I did ...I would think first and then, try to do it in the most perfect way! I look back at this... and I feel the most 'exhausting' feeling come over me! I remember well, the anguish I went through... I took it to the extreme. I wanted people to think highly of me, and to love me and think I was 'somebody'!
All I succeeded in doing was to make myself the most miserable young lady around... and set myself up to be criticized for the most tiniest, simplest little things that I didn't do perfectly. People watch for that, you know.
I was very good at my job, but... some little unimportant thing would become too important because......... when you see someone that's so 'perfect and highly thought of'....... you don't expect to ever see them make a mistake! She's too good at her job to do that! She's a perfectionist, I know she didn't do or say that! She's too pretty, I know she couldn't possibly have done that!
You know these things I've written about. I'm guilty to even this day of saying 'I can't believe he or she did that!' Life is life and we are all human, and we are going to be 'imperfect'.
I quit trying to be perfect.... I had taken on too much for even me to handle at that age... this was for a young woman who thought she could honestly 'save the world'. When I 'let go' of trying to be perfect... it was hard and a long time before I could do it.
I was too used to starving myself to stay tiny. If I dared to eat much, the first place I would run to... would be my mirror (truthfully.... I always had mirror affairs, I loved them all and couldn't be true to not one of them!).
I would turn this way, that way to see if my stomach would dare to show that I'd just eaten! I would feel giant, when in fact, I was a size 8-9 (a size I would love to be now! I'm sure not 'perfect' anymore! :))))
I remember if I so much as ate the tiniest amounts I would feel awful, and the sensation of being 'huge'. How many times I ran to my mirror to see where it went on my body! People thought I was a narcissist... I was and I wasn't. I was.. too wrapped up into 'being me' so much, that my whole world................ was 'me'. I was a good person and I cared so much about other people, but, I cared too much about 'me', how I looked and sounded.
I think when I became ill with a life-threatening disease (I have non-Hodgkins lymphoma)... though it took lots of time before I became aware enough to 'look back' and rethink my position in life.... I became just the 'simple, imperfect person I am today'. There's no more 'perfect' in me, and if I slip up, that's to be expected.
I'm not too perfect, too pretty, too good to make a mistake now... it's okay. I'm an older woman now, and that's to be expected! Ha! Hey... at this age and time.... I may use it to my advantage 'when needed'!!! :))) I really just might, now! I will learn to play 'the little old lady' bit... only in emergencies, ha!
I can't believe someone says 'older couple' about Skip and I! Twice I've heard us referred to as just that in the past month! I told Skip that I wondered 'why in the world does someone think 'we' are 'old'!!!
I even heard someone say yesterday (you know who I'm talking about! I'll give a hint... 'Country'!!! )......... 'that elderly couple' that lives up there! Ha! I am laughing at this moment.... I'm not 'old'. Even Skip knows he's not 'old'. We look that way from all the battles we've fought, won and lost in this life.... we are battle-weary, but, so young at heart.
The years and illness have taken its toll on my body........... but, my spirit soars like a bird through rainbows and clouds! Just look in my eyes and...you'll see! I'm happy colors ...you might see them when you look... though, you 'might' see 'tired happy colors' sometimes.
I live with pain every minute of my life... I've learned to cope with the pain... I don't complain often, nor do I take pain medicines very often (I have this fear that's been with me ...always... of becoming addicted, so, I shy away from pain medicines.. so much, that when I'm in the hospital ..I get fussed out).
Skip has battled his illnesses, also. He is a cancer survivor, also. He faced his battle with colon cancer and won. He, like myself, has been through his life's battles and is tired... but, young at heart. Skip is my hero, my most bestest friend, my whole life. He and our two Pups, Mr. Kissy Fairchild and Sweet Chadwick Elsworth........ are my whole world. I love them them as much as my hearts loves to its fullest.
Tommy, my son, was my whole world, also. It will be two years in May of this year, the 29th.. I still go on those dark paths of grief and pain in my heart......... but, there's more sunshine on these paths now.
Instead of standing there ....sobbing and weeping with my very being.... I can now, see my way back from those paths.. with the little sunshine that is finally reaching through..... the dark sillouettes of bare limbs of the scary trees above my head. I can now... walk in that light enough to come back to the sunlight! I will have tears in my eyes and a ... bittersweet feeling... in my heart... but, I can come back now more easily.. because I can see now, for the light.
When I write to you like this ... I am Granny Gee, like my grandson Taban, calls me. Like Tommy named me that special name before he died, for Taban to call me.
Granny Gee... Granny Gee, that was the most special name Tommy gave me for his son to know me by. Taban, was the name he picked out especially for his unborn son... it meant 'genius'.... Taban. Tommy wanted a strong, 'good' name for his son .. he knew names were important.
I am Granny Gee... Gloria.... Faye... I remember when all of a sudden when Tommy called me 'Granny Gee' and told me that's what he wanted Taban to call me....... I remembered how I had not known how I'd feel about being called 'grandma'. I didn't want anyone to 'dare think I'm old'! When Tommy said 'Granny Gee'....... it was 'perfect'! It was just right, and I never fussed about it at all. It's happy and special.
I will tell you about 'Granny Gee'. She is a good person and though she still makes mistakes... she can say she is sorry. She's one who always listens and pays attention to others... she is always sensing people, things around her. You could never ask for a more loyal friend, a friend who would never impose on your life, but, is always 'there' to listen to you. She will even try to give you advice based on her life's experiences.
Granny Gee is opinionated, also, very open-minded. She loves to speak what she thinks in a 'good way'. She understands that everything isn't as she believes it should be.... we all are individuals, we all are different. We are all at different stages in our life. We all contribute to the 'spice of life', giving different flavors to any given situation. We all travel in life to the 'beat of a different drum'
We all connect, disconnect, reconnect in life.... we all touch each other's lives at some time or other in life. Granny Gee hopes to always touch your life in a 'good' way if you happen to visit her on her Blog. I hope you will always go away with something that can possibly ...... mean something good to you.
Love, Granny Gee
These are my thoughts on this Thursday morning, January 12, 2012... they are about 'you', too!