In The Mind of a Bride
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"In the mind of a Bride"
I woke up to my normal cup of coffee brewing, the aroma fills the house awakening my sence's. I roll out of bed, my feet hitting the cold floor sending chills to the top of my head. I slip into my robe and head for the kitchen.
There it is, just like every morning, my love note.
When I first met my husband I could not believe I had found Him. His way of loving me is so passionate. His love came with no strings. He did not want anything from me. Just my heart. Leaving me vulnerable. Wooing me into the safty of His presence. I have fled from Him several times but my hero would not give up. He would not stop pursuing me with His gentle love. He would touch my face with His strong hands, my eyes full of tears, as I told Him all the reasons we could not be together. He was so pure. I was so dirty. He had this way about Him that would turn my insecurities into strength. I was always thinking to myself, I don't deserve this man. I can't accept His love for me.
When I was young I got into a lot drugs to cover up the pain of my childhood abuse. Shame filled my heart as I tried to walk through life. Adopting ways of life I never thought I would. Sexual relationships where all I knew love to be. When the sex ran out, so did love. My husband has never done drugs, nor did He Have sex. He is so pure.
He was raised in the wisdom and ways of His Father. He always obeyed and lived His life to please His Father.
I never really had a father so to me this was ridculous. How did you obey everything your Father told you? I would ask. He would simply say, "I am in the Father and He is in me. My Father loves His Son and is well pleased to have His fullness dwell in Me."
My husband talks like this a lot. He has this mystic way about Him. A way of drawing you in with His words. Words that make you feel alive. Anytime I would pull away, His compassion would draw me in again. Compassion I have never felt anywhere else.
My love for Him keeps growing with every note I read. The other day He said, "I will not crush you when you are weak or quench the smallest hope in you." My heart was overwhelmed, I almost could not breathe. I felt the warmth of His presence with every word I read. If you have every been in love I am sure you can understand what I am saying. If you have never been in love, I hope you find a love that is unfailing.
His love for me has always been so patient, so kind. As it grows stronger I begin to see the grace that fills our marriage. Our marriage has not been perfect, because of me. You see, I am the one who gives up every time something gets hard. He has never given up on me.
I had an affair with another lover and I thought for sure He would leave after I told Him but instead, He left me a note, by my coffee that said, "I will never leave or forsake you." "What a joy for those whose rebellion is forgiven, whose affairs are put out of sight." I could not believe it. He still loved me, still believed in me. I remember as I read those words, trust filled my heart. I knew I could trust His love for me. But there would be many more affairs before my heart was settled in His love, completely convinced.
For some reason I always had in my mind I could find a better love outside of my husband. I never did. All I ever found was hurt, guilt and more shame.
Sometimes when I think of my past I still feel these emotions, my husband in His kindness reminds me, "Your past is forgiven." "Apart from me, love does not really exsist."
I used to get mad at Him when He would say things like this. How selfish could He be to think I had no love before Him? How could I have not loved all the people before Him?
We would fight and just like every morning, right with my coffee, there it would be, my love note. Reminding me of His sacrifical love for me. He left His Father, whom He loved so deeply, to be with me. Why me? I would ask. His only responce, "Because i love you!" Nothing else, just love.
I have met a lot of people since I married my Husband. At times I don't think they really get me. Many of these people I have hurt and broken trust because of my love affairs. Sometimes I think, that one of these days, they think, my Husband will leave me. I would think to myself in those times, they don't know my Husband if they think He will leave me. They don't know how every night, He wraps me in His strong arms and whispers, "I am here!" His words restore my heart and soul to keep fighting for our marriage.
Many people have come and gone over the years. All of them leaving a mark on my life. I have been hurt a lot. Somehow my Husband gets through these walls I have built and says, "Keep believing, keep trusting, keep being open, I will gaurd your heart my Bride. I will heal you completely. Tears seem to come easy with every sharp word a man speaks to me, my Husband on the other hand, speaks words like salve. They penitrate my heart deeply and with every word I stand a little taller. With each word I begin to know myself and Him more. He always tells me my real life is hidden in Him. For a long time I did not understand what He was saying. He would tell me, "As you trust in me and my love, you will find your real life."
Real life? What does that mean? Was my life not real before?
As the questions would fill my mind my husband would respond, "You were once broken and now you are restored." I don't know how He does it but He always seems to know what I am thinking, and in just the right time, He speaks to me with words that fill me with life and strength.
My friends say it is faith, but to me it is so much more. The connection I have with my Husband is like a flower that depends on the nurishment of the soil to grow. I depend on His every word, every love note, every night wrapped in His arms, just to walk through life. I depend on His love to shower over me as I take each step in our marriage. I depend on His belief in me to overcome the affairs I have had in the past. His love is what I long for.
Some people think I am crazy to hang my life on His every word. What they don't understand is if I don't my soul grows weary and sour, leaving me open to more affairs with other lovers. I have come to a place where I will abandon everything for just one glimps from Him. Just one note from Him, telling me of His love for me, revealing something of Himself to me.
His romance is like no other. Sometimes I have to read His note's over and over again to try and catch what He is saying. To somehow connect with His heart and the emotions He was feeling when He wrote to me. To understand from His perspective what He see's in me worth loving.
He gently speaks, "it's just you!" "Everything about you is pleasing to me, your worries, your fears, your joys, your adventures, your hurts, everything is pleasing to me."
He is always telling me how beautiful and lovely I am to Him. But for some reason, when i look at myself in the mirror, I don't see what He sees.
He told me it is because I see a poor reflection but one day I will see perfectly how He sees me. Oh, how I long for that day. The day I truely believe Him when He says He loves me.
He told me the other day, when I was taking a shower, to align my heart with His love. At first I did not understand, but as I remembered the stressful few weeks I had, somehow I lost focus on what was important. It was not important what the outcome's of all the issues. What was important was to remember His love for me and to connect my heart with His in these times. To believe what He says about me and our marriage over the circumstances of the life around me. His love is more real than life itself. That the reality of my marriage with Him will get me through all the stress in this life. This life is not my true reality but my marriage and eternal love with Him is.
He told me that this life will have ups downs but, His love will always remain the same. That I can ancor my whole life in His absolute love for me. He said that in every note He leave's for me is the answer to all of life's issues. My husband is so wise. He has told me many times that His wisdom come's directly from His Father. He told me I should get to know His Father. I asked Him how I could do that if I never talk to His Father, He said "No one comes to the Father except through me." "If you have seen me you have seen my Father." I did not understand this at first but I remembered a time I read one of His notes and it said, "Everything about me represents my Father exactly." I suppose this makes sense, He was extremly close to His Father. I mean His Father was pleased to have His fullness dwell in Him.
When I truely discovered this meaning I began to have relationship with my Husbands Father. This was not easy for me. I never had a reliable father before, but my Husband would say, "Keep believeing, keep trusting, keep being open, I will gaurd your heart. My husband is a Hero like that, He is always looking out for me and bringing me to a deeper place in His love. He said if I can trust Him, I can trust His Father.
Having relationship with my Husband Father has brought so much healing in my heart. I can call Him whenever and He gives me direction. I now understand where my Husband got all of His wisdom.
You want to know what is strange? I can be thinking of what i need in my life throughout the day and when i get home, there is a message from my husbands Father. It is almost unbelievable. If I had not expirienced it for myself, I might not believe it myself.
Now through my Husband I have a true Father. A Father who in His wisdon, sent His Son to marry me, so I could understand how to recieve love and how to love.
I know this story sounds like a fairytale and in many ways it is, but this is what a relationship with Jesus brings to everyone who believes. This romance is not only for me, it is for you too. Relationship with Jesus connects us with the very heart of God who created us in His image, to love and be loved by Him.
You can begin your love story right now. Ask Jesus to come meet with you over a cup of coffee or tea. Ask Him to forgive you of your love affairs apart from Him and let him romance your heart.
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