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I don't mind flying its airports I can't stand
by James Snyder
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Recently, I needed to make a trip to visit some relatives. These days, the way the economy and gas prices are it turns out to be cheaper to fly. Even though, airlines no longer serve the delicious food of which they became famous.

Several aspects about airplanes that give me cause for alarm. The person who designed the modern-day airplane must have used one of the dwarfs for a model. Iím thinking, Grumpy. The seats, for example, are not built for the average posterior. I know I need to go on a diet but my airplane seat does not have to remind me of that auspicious fact.

The restrooms do not have any room whatsoever to rest in them. The last one I was in I had to step outside in order to change my mind. What were they thinking when they designed and built these restrooms?

Personally, I think it is a conspiracy on the part of the entire airline industry to harass those of us who are diminutive challenged.

However, I can live with some of these inconveniences. I do not really mind flying it is the airports that I cannot stand.

If there were some way to fly the friendly skies and eliminate airports I would be a happy flyer.

It has been a while since I flew the friendly skies and so I had forgotten some of the airport rigmarole that paying customers must go through. I am surprised with all of the fees associated with flying these days someone has not come up with the bright idea of charging a fee for everyone to be patted down.

In order to get to the airplane you have to go through a very sophisticated technological gateway. I had forgotten how thoroughly they check out their passengers.

Everything needs placed into a tray, which then goes through a scanner to make sure nobody is transporting a bomb in his or her baggage.

Then comes the dangerous part.

Everybody has to take off his or her shoes, which makes the whole airport smell as if some bomb did go off. Not only shoes, but also everybody has to empty their pockets and take off all jewelry.

Then, after putting all of my stuff in these trays, I was to walk through an archway to make sure I was not transporting a bomb in my underwear.

As I walked through the buzzer went off.

"Sir, do you have anything in your pockets?"

I looked and found a pen, so I had to take that out and put in a tray.

Again, I walked through and the buzzer went off again.

"Sir, is there anything else in your pockets?"

My wallet with credit cards and such things, which I did not realize was setting the buzzer off. I placed my wallet into the tray and then walked to the archway again.

The buzzer went off again.

At this point I was a little confused because I did not know what else I could take off. Therefore, I took off my sweater. Maybe something in the buttons that the archway did not like.

Then the man on the other side of the archway spied what he thought was the trouble and said, "Sir, you have to take off your suspenders."

"Say what?" I said in alarm.

"You have to remove your suspenders."

I looked at the man and then said, "You do know the purpose of suspenders, don't you?"

With a distant disdain in his voice he simply said, "Sir, you will have to remove your suspenders."

By the tone of his voice, I ascertained that he did not have the foggiest idea of the purpose of a gentleman's suspenders. I wear suspenders because they are fashionable, comfortable and serve a vital purpose for me.

I looked at him and said, "Have you ever heard of wardrobe malfunction?"

"Sir," he said in a practiced monotone, "you will have to remove your suspenders."

I saw no way around this obstacle and if I wanted to get onto the airplane, I would need to go through this archway. Slowly I took off my suspenders and put them in a tray to send through the scanner.

The archway buzzer did not go off this time, which was a relief to me, but once I was through the archway things happened. As I reached for the tray on the conveyor, I suddenly felt a gentle breeze, heard several shrieks behind me and felt something grab my ankles.

Wardrobe malfunction!

Sure, you can grab your trousers and pull them up but you still have to live with the fact that you actually mooned potential fellow passengers on the airplane.

I am not sure which is worse. A bomb in your underwear, or, your underwear on display.

After adjusting everything and picking up my briefcase, I noticed several people pointing in my direction and laughing. Believe me, a wardrobe malfunction is not anything to laugh at unless of course it happens to someone else.

Sitting in the airplane waiting to take off a verse of Scripture dominated my thinking.

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world," (John 16:33 KJV).

Whatever our tribulations might be, we can rest unabashed in the finished work of Jesus Christ.

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Member Comments
Member Date
samuel saalwaechter  07 Nov 2011
I'm old enough to remember when Bicycle seats were huge and my seat was small. Now that I'm a LITTLE bigger?, they've gotton very thin, OUCH! I'd guess my overalls would have 2 come off completely, OUCH AGAIN! Good job as usual. opt 4 the scanner.


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