Darkened with despair and dampened with tears, a tunnel of terror and trial with no light at the end. I search and strain but there is only darkness begetting more darkness. I cannot recall where I began and there seems no end to see nor can I even discern my direction. Light, I beg, give me some light!
Such was my lament for so many years of yearning. I had lost all hope. I no longer believed that there was light and sought only because it was less painful than sitting alone in the darkness. Each day a new fear arouse more horrifying then yesterday, leaving me terrorized by the thought of tomorrow. First I thought myself a victim, abandoned and abused and so I cursed the darkness and walked with rage. Then I was surrounded by sorrow and suffocated with shame. I deserved no light! Why should I further torment myself? Could seeking reduce my just sentence or merely distract my discontent? I stumbled upon “gifts” exquisitely wrapped but they were only heavy chains which I could not cast off. I thought I found nourishment but it was laced with poison that made me crave for yet more. I encountered companions but they only convinced me of my wickedness and sore that I would never see light again. I saw mirages of light that faded fast after they cruelly dashed my false hope.
I looked outward for light only to avoid the anguish from looking in. I was beaten and felt the fool for knowing not when to surrender. Why must I continue to fight, am I cursed to forever seek this illusion of light? Why do I even continue to wonder? Of whom do I ask? Is there no one here to whom I can beg? Why is the only response the demons terrible taunt? Give me light ! Or in the dark I will continue to fight … and wail, and gnash and cry out.
Wait; is that my own echo that I hear? My it sounds so near! No, my voice is harsh and graveled by sickness, sorrow and pain, this is soft, gentle and sweet with a melodious refrain.It is unlike any I have heard before
yet I know of what it speaks and I crave for more.
I listen …
“And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.”; “His snorting throws out flashes of light; his eyes are like the rays of dawn.”; “Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death”; “For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light”; “even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.”; “the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned"; “In him was life, and that life was the light of men”; “This was the true light that gives light to every man who comes into the world”; “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life”; “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness”; “The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light”; “Let light shine out of darkness; “made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.”
My Lord God, the light is not at the end, it is from and of the beginning. It is not from without, it is from within. It is not a thing of a later time; it always was and is now. It is in me because you have put it there before I was born! And my insatiatable craving for more is only so that I can reflect your light back to you in bliss for your glory.
It seemed to flow with the strong currents
I even thought I heard it sing with the storm
Once I swore it exploded from gun turrets
When I was bitter cold I wanted it to keep me warm
Then it seemed to ride rounds of applause
But when it became too loud, I ran away
I felt it flutter from pretty faces to every lost cause
I was sure I sensed it tomorrow and yesterday, but never today
I thought I heard it say to be sure, certain and safe
But then it only spoke clearly after great loss
Telling me my medals of gold were no more than waste
As it cried out pain and joy ov’r the scandal of the Cross
I looked far in fever but never could find its’ rest
I longed to answer but wound up always chasing the wind
Till I saw the utter poverty of all I thought was my best
And awoke to the sweetest song that came not from without, but from within.
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