I have played scenes in my mind of the last three to six years. The pictures havenít been pretty. If I have to honest in the forty eight years God has given me those images I canít seem to let go. Not only was the past haunting me, It was the present situations that also were taking up space in an already filled up mind.
I am supposed to be a believer in Godís word why? Was I continually falling short? I was allowing things, people and situations to put me in a place of darkness and gloom. God said that we would have storms and he promised to go through them with us. I knew that the devil in his cunning ways was distorting my thoughts.
I remember there was a time I prayed that I could find me a job, after about two years of looking God blessed me with one. I regained my independence back which was lost; it also revived my self worth. Sadly, I found that having my own money again brought old habits that came flooding back down my street faster than I could stop them.
I had forgotten what had put me in the position of not having a job; all I saw was a job, not the fact that God was giving me another chance. I could not see it then but I was being set up by the devil. He knows my secret desires. He knew who to send my way or who would ring my phone. He does not sleep for that reason. He is always looking for ways for me to fall.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have a problem with stress be that past or present. Everyone deals with stress in different ways. I chose to lash out at people, isolate myself and revisit an addiction that has been following me. The more the stress that came the more everything increased around me.
I found the things I had enjoyed like writing which once was a stress reliever for me. Now, I struggle to put my thoughts down because I feel so bad about the things I am doing. I knew that my thoughts were helping others. I was getting positive feedback from readers, even though; I have never had any formal training or classes. I just would to write about what was hurting me and I would feel better.
My bible has not been opened in a while and my visits to church have extremely declined. But I do remember certain verses that come to me when times are bad. I Corinthians 10:13 reminds me that no matter what I go through that God will not put any more on me than I can bear, he will also provide a way out so that I can stand up under it.
That verse is like fresh air that warms my mind and spirit from all the darkness and cold. It frees up space in my mind which allows God to talk to me and direct me. I know my struggles will continue; I am not exempt from lives experiences .I am happily reminded that I am not alone which gives me hope that the days will get better.
God truly loves me, knowing that he will not allow anything I am confronted with tear me down. If anyone takes the time to view this piece I pray one sentence will bless you in knowing that when you think itís the end God says you can do it! He wonít put anymore on you than you can bear.