Christian Living
I have this “tape” in my head that continually tells me I’m a bad person. I’m in a bad spot and I continually worse. I’ve got a huge weight on my shoulders. No matter what I do, it’s there. It’s there because of things I did some years ago. They are consequences that I must endure so they reinforce this tape. I’m a burden to my family and friends. I see how it affects them. It reinforces the tape.
I “allowed” me and my siblings to be sexually abused by a babysitter. The tape plays back that it’s my fault. The tape plays that my dad didn’t accept me or care for me much and that it was my responsibility to keep the family in shape so I worked hard at it and messed up. I was made fun of in school since I was an awkward looking kid (no joke – I’m fine with that now). But, the tape gets louder and accentuates any flaw I have now when I’m down on myself.
Anyway, I am impulsive and act on these impulses whether as a result of my bi-polar-ness or whatever (sin, carelessness, disobedience), later I see the effects. It encourages the tape. It’s like I turn up the volume myself.
I constantly wonder if I should have stayed where I was and not gone where I thought God wanted me and if then I’d be better off financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually or if this really is God’s plan. I think I’ve made a mistake because things have not worked out. I can’t hear God and when I do, I make a mistake. The tape gets louder.
I once had an image that was great. Everyone thought I was the best. But that image broke and now I’m nothing. It seems many times no one wants me. There are many times I’m alone and lonely. The tape gets even louder.
God punishes me for my mistakes in my mind even though it’s against my beliefs. The tape tells me differently. I know this tape is full of irrational thoughts and reinforced by the enemy. I work on erasing the tape and re-writing it with God’s Word. I was doing so well. No, God was doing so well healing me.
But, then some things happened and I took my eyes off Him and His Word. I began to despise some of those Scriptures because the tape told me they weren’t true. They couldn’t be because I was experiencing something different than those words.
The tape came back. It always has, but then I quickly recognize it (over the past 8 months, until the past month) and reframe the thought submitting my thoughts captive to Christ and God’s Word. Lately, I haven’t done well with that. I’ve been defiant not wanting to. Depression is an automatic bodily defense mechanism. It’s safety sometimes. For me to stay there – I must reinforce the tape and the thoughts.
I’m starting to see that God isn’t just God. He’s to be my Lord and I want to just submit and trust. My devotionals have been on trusting and obeying before you see how He’s going to do things like providing. So, He was preparing me for this. I just didn’t want to see it. I don’t know how I’ll do. I was down last night because of some circumstances so I didn’t sleep well. But I’m doing better today. Proverbs reminds me not to lean on my own understanding, but the Lord’s. Now there’s a better tape.
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