Tiptoeing through the 60s
by James Snyder
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Now that I have safely escaped the infamous 50-something stage of life, I am carefully testing the waters before me. They look calm, but you never can be sure. Moreover, at this juncture of my life I am in no mood for taking chances.
Just the other day the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said to me rather sarcastically, "How does it feel to be 60-something?"
I knew she was having too much fun with this so I retorted by saying, "I feel like two 30-year-olds."
"Oh, no," she moaned. "I canít handle more than one of you."
Ha! Ha! Ha! In her old age, she has not lost any of her sense of humor. I was hoping.
I am taking it rather careful, though. I have heard all the rumors about what happens to a person once they pass the 60 mark. For myself, I am determined to enjoy to the fullest every day I live from this day forward regardless of who I annoy. And I do have a list for this.
Some things, I am finding out, are quite true. Just the other night I discovered one of those rumors to be true. I now know why older men go to the bathroom so often during the night.
I had just gone to bed and started my evening dance with the Sandman. As I approached the shores of oblivion, I had the urge to go to the bathroom. I sat up in bed, adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up and put on my bathrobe. In somewhat of a daze I headed for the bathroom.
Once I got into the bathroom, I closed the door behind me, turned on the light and stood there. For a moment, I did not know where I was and then I could not remember why I was where I was. I thought for a moment and then turned around, walked back to my bed, took off my bathrobe, removed my slippers and tucked myself back into bed.
I dozed off for a moment and then, all of a sudden, it occurred to me why I went to the bathroom. So, I sat up in bed, adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up and put on my bathrobe. In somewhat of a daze I headed for the bathroom.
I closed the door and tried to turn on the light only to discover I was in the closet. Extricating my body from the closet, I headed once more in the direction of the bathroom. This time I found the bathroom.
I closed the door, turn on the light and looked in the mirror wondering why I was in the bathroom. I lathered up my face and shaved.
I left the bathroom and headed back for bed, removed my slippers and bathrobe and tucked myself snuggly under the sheets. Just as I was dozing off, I remembered why I wanted to go to the bathroom so urgently.
I sat up in bed, adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up and put on my bathrobe. In somewhat of a daze I headed for the bathroom. It took me a little longer to get to the bathroom this time but as soon as I opened the door, the light went on. In the bathroom was a quart of milk, a pitcher of iced tea, the makings of a salad and some luncheon meat. I poured myself a glass of iced tea, slowly drank it and then headed back for bed.
As I snuggled myself back into bed, I heard the person on the other side of the bed moan and mumbled something, "You weren't in the kitchen were you?"
"No," I said rather sleepily, "I was in the bathroom."
I soon fell asleep and no sooner did I fall asleep than I awoke with an urge to go to the bathroom. I adjusted my nightcap, put on my slippers, stood up, put on my bathrobe, and made my way toward the bathroom.
This time, when I opened the door the light did not go on so I had to switch the light on myself. I stood there, looked in the mirror, picked up my toothbrush and toothpaste and began brushing my teeth. I gargled good and long with mouthwash, turned off the light and headed back for bed.
From the other side of the bed I heard another moan, "Were you brushing your teeth?"
"No," I muttered incoherently, "I got a drink of tea from the kitchen."
"You shouldn't drink tea before you go to bed, it'll make you go to the bathroom."
I soon fell asleep but was awakened with a very urgent need to go to the bathroom. In a panic I stumbled out of bed, could not find my slippers, my bathrobe was nowhere to be found but I had to go to the bathroom.
The next thing I remember the alarm clock was ringing and it was seven o'clock in the morning. I still do not know if I ever went to the bathroom but now I know why older men go to the bathroom so often during the night.
That morning in my devotions, I read from the Psalms. "I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread" (Psalm 37:25 KJV).
I am thinking this 60-something is going to require some fancy footwork.
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