A Thunderous Storm
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It is with a heavy heart that I write this... but I just wanted to share how amazingly precious my daughter is. How even in her innocence she has this compassionate heart, a heart that has an enormous capability to love and to understand. I'm also sharing because it helps me get through the storm.
On Tuesday afternoon I had to tell my daughter that our little baby-to-be went up to heaven to be with God. The look on her face went from calm and happy to lost and heartbroken. She started to cry and sob uncontrollably. She climbed on my lap and cried on my shoulder. She managed to muster out a question in between her sobs,
"Why did the baby go to be with God?"
And my wonderful, non-believer, husband answered,
"Well, sometimes God needs more angels."
"Why does He need more angels?"
"He needs them to watch over us and sometimes He sends us angels here on earth. You are our angel here on earth."
She accepted our explanations. To get her mind off the subject I told her that her brother would be home this Friday. That made her happy.
Wednesday morning was Field Day at school. She was to bring a blanket to picnic on. While I was in the kitchen preparing her breakfast she walked in with one of her old baby blankets and she tells me she wants to bring this particular blanket to school since the baby wouldn't need it for a while. Then it dawned on her that there would be no baby just yet and she said,
"But you and dad will work hard on it won't you?"
And I told her that yes, we would work hard to have another baby. Satisfied with my answer she went back to the living room to play.
A few minutes passed and I went to the living room to check up on her. Her back was turned to me but when she felt my presence she turned her head towards me and said,
"I'm mad at God, Mom."
My first thoughts were, NO, this can't be. I knew I had to try to get her to understand better. To understand what I know about God. So I asked her why.
And she said,
"Because He took away our baby and I didn't even get to see her, I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl, I don't know what she looks like, I didn't even get to hold him."
And my heart broke a little more. But I was steadfast in getting her to a place where she will be ok with God. I said to her,
"Maybe God just wants us to spend more time with just you before another baby comes along."
And being that she is a Mommy's girl and she loves being the baby, she was satisfied with that answer too.
Later that morning as we walked hand in hand to school I asked her if she was still mad at God and she said no, she was ok.
It's amazing to me that at her tender age she feels these emotions, she has these thoughts. I had to make sure that she would not be angry with God. I did not want her spiritual journey to start with anger towards Him. During my rainy seasons God has always been my source of comfort and I want her to have that. I know many people who get angry with God and they ask why these things happen to them. I don't know why, but I never ask why. I accept the situation and I look to Him for strength. Sometimes it's hard to find Him in the mist... sometimes it takes a while, a long while. But in the end He's always there. And that's something I want her to have. It's something my mom shared with me and I will continue to share that with mine.
Although these times are dark, I know that I am blessed. I'm blessed with a wonderful husband, who, although a non-believer, found a way to explain to our daughter the wonders of angels and God; a husband who is my pillar here on earth. I'm blessed with a daughter who amazes me everyday; who loves me so much that she told me today that she wants to work with me at my job when she's a big girl like me so we never have to be apart (cutie). I'm blessed with family who feel the pain but find words to reassure you anyway. I'm blessed with good friends; friends who even if they don't know what to say, they say it anyway; friends who I can cry with; and friends who I can pray with. And of course, I'm blessed because I have my steadfast faith in the Lord.
It's like that line from one of my favorite songs, "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me, "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus, bring the rain".
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