Everythingís fine. Really it is. Itís as though it never happened. Like a cough to clear your throat and then you forget about it. Well Ė it is a bit more than that. But not much. Very humiliating the doctor working on me like he did, but worth it! Itís over now and I can get on with my life just like before. Itís behind me. Just a piece of tissue that turned my life upside down for a bit. Thatís what the doctor said Ė or did she say anything? I donít remember. But I know I read it somewhere. It is just a piece of tissue. Just a piece of tissue with a beating heart. NO!! I mustnít think like that. Itís over. Everythingís fine. I couldnít have done it any other way. Besides itís legal and its right and its sensible. Thatís what everyone says.
I donít like the shadows, though. Iíll try to stay out of the shadows. The ones in my mind.. The haunting ones. Iíll fill my mind with good thoughts, parties and Brian. He understandsÖÖ Or does he? Iím scared to go with him, though. I donít want it to happen again. I couldnít go through with it again. It was nothing, but I definitely couldnít go through with it again. I think Iíll stay away from him for a while.
But what about the shadows? And the whispers? I donít want to think about it. In a few weeks I wonít even remember it. The shadows will go. And life will be just the same as it was. Except for Brian -- I couldnít go through that again. And the whispers. But if I keep telling myself that everythingís fine, Iím sure it will be. The whispers will go. They will stop asking me whether it really was just a piece of tissue Ė or what colour his eyes would have been, or what he would smell like as he cuddled up to me. They will go. Everythingís fine.
If everything is fine Ė but not really, donít hide. There are people who care. Who will tell you that everything is not fine, but healing can come. They can help you put the shadows and the whispers to rest with admission and forgiveness and genuine mourning. Thatís what it takes. Work through it with someone who will love you and care for you.
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