The Day the King Came By
THE DAY THE KING CAME BY
The King was informed that the maiden was ready. He announced a celebration and the feast was prepared. Guest were invited from afar. Dignitaries were summoned. Hundreds gathered from near and far, curious about the mysterious woman who was to be the queen.
The King sat upon his throne. Next to him was a new throne that had never been sat upon; a queens throne.
Trumpets began to sound. Everyone stood as the throne room doors opened. Two male servants ran a silk runner to the Kings platform. Two maidens tossed red and yellow rose petals along the runner. As the King stood, the room became amazingly quiet.
Two maidens dressed in pink silk and lace entered the room, carrying beautiful bouquets of red and pink roses. Five paces behind them entered the mysterious woman, wearing a beautiful wedding gown made of fine silk and pearls. Her face was covered with a soft veil. Her hair was swept up. Flowers of red, yellow and lavender made a crown upon her head.
She walked with poise; erect, strong and confident. She slowly walked the silk runner that led to the King. Upon her approach, the King stepped from the platform to the floor. A huge smile was upon his face as he reached out and took her by the hand. It was now as soft as the rose petals that she glided upon.
The King slowly raised the veil that hid her face. He gently lifted it up and looked into the brightest, bluest eyes he had ever seen. She had long dark eyelashes and full lips. Her skin was copper tone and as smooth as the silk she wore.
The King reached behind him and a servant placed a ring in his hand. It was made of the finest gold with a diamond that made every woman in the room catch her breath. He took her hand and slowly slipped the ring upon her delicate finger.
With a sparkle in his eyes, with a blush on her cheeks, he leaned in tilting his head slightly to the side. She responded by taking a half step towards him. Their lips met. Slowly and gently, they kissed.
The King stepped back. Smiling, he led his bride up the steps of the platform, to her throne. They turned to face the audience and the King announced, “I give you your Queen!”
To look at her now you would think she had been raised in a palace. She exemplified grace and elegance. She was radiant, but who was this newlywed queen? Nobody in this part of the kingdom new her or had ever seen her. She had been brought in on a slave wagon with nine other female slaves. The other slaves had sold quickly. They seemed to have been well cared for. The older slaves would be purchased as house servants. The stronger ones, field workers, the younger slaves would become nannies.
She was the last one on the auction block. Standing just over five feet, she was skinny and frail. Her hair was matted and tangled and had not been washed for weeks, or even months. Her eyes were down cast and sunken into her head. Her jaw clenched as she shook uncontrollably in the cold morning breeze. She wore nothing but a thin robe that was tattered, torn, and filthy.
She stood on the auction block worth very little to anyone. She was too weak to work in the fields, too sickly to be a nanny, and too homely to be a house servant. She was, even as a slave worth nothing.
Without enthusiasm, the auctioneer tried to get a bid on this sick slave. No one was interested in buying somebody useless.
Suddenly, the crowd parted and knees bowed, as the King stepped from his ornate chariot. The King stared at the frightened maiden. She was now on her knees, her face almost touching the ground. To everyone’s amazement, the King stepped up on the auction block and knelt beside her. He gently touched her chin and lifted her face.
He said nothing for a moment. He just looked into her hollow eyes. Her eyes resisted his. After all, who was she to look upon the King? She an orphaned, sick, slave and he royalty in his majestic robe and fine jewels. He sits on a throne. She sits on dirt. He sleeps on goose down pillows and walks on marble floors. She sleeps in a stable with pigs and goats and walks through filth.
The King continued to look into her eyes. Suddenly the King smiled a comforting smile. He addressed the auctioneer without looking up.
“What has been bid for her?”
The auctioneer answered, “Sire, nothing has been bid. Seems that no one is willing to offer anything for her.”
The King said, “I will buy her.”
The auctioneer responded, “You may have her sire, at no price.”
The King stood and looked into the face of the auctioneer. He said firmly, “I will purchase her!”
He held out his hand and instantly his treasurer placed a bag in his hand. The King handed the bag over to the auctioneer. Inside the bag were gold coins; enough gold to purchase six strong healthy slaves.
The King motioned to his servants. Without hesitation, they brought the slave to her feet and gently walked her to the awaiting carriage. The crowd stood as the king made his way back to his chariot. They whispered among themselves as the possession left. Why would a king purchase something as useless as that slave?
When the King returned to his palace, he instructed his female servants that he wanted them to bathe her, feed her, and dress her in fine silk. “I want her treated with respect.” He instructed, “Teach her to walk with her head held high. I want you to dress her in beautiful gowns. Teach her to speak with confidence. I want you to teach her how to live like a queen, for she will be my bride!”
The king’s councilors asked him. “Why her? Why would you buy a slave to be your wife? You could have any woman in the region to be your wife.
The King answered, “I have seen in her what no other man has seen. I see a beauty that is buried under abuse.”
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Good writing with spiritual insight. Suggestions and comments in numbered paragraphs. Obviously you changed some of the opening sentences. This critique was done before your changes. Hope this helps. 1 weeks, it was matted...should be â€śher hair, matted and tangled, had not been brushed for weeks etc.â€ť down cast ...this is one word â€śdowncast.â€ť into her head...omit this, since the eyes could not be anywhere else. Clinched...I believe this is spelled â€śclenched.â€ť thin robe that was tattered...say â€śthin, tattered and filthy robeâ€ť Torn...omit this word, since a tattered robe is torn. Her lack of food and the need for a bath...Perhaps you could say â€śSince she had hardly been eating and needed a bath, she seemed etc.â€ť 2 auction block. Not worth much...COMMA after block, not period. No period after â€śmuchâ€ť but continue into the next sentence as below. She was too weak ...Continue with â€śand she was etc.â€ť Or simply â€śtoo weak to etc.â€ť to ...this is spelled â€śtoo.â€ť to homely ...as above. Include â€śandâ€ť before â€śtoo.â€ť not worth anything ...Omit this, since said before. 4 beside slave...insert â€śthe.â€ť 5 moment he just...Perhaps begin â€śFor a moment he said nothing but looked etc.â€ť Her eyes resisted his. Begin â€śBut her eyes.â€ť ***After all ...She is thinking...This interior monologue requires a new paragraph here. King, in â€¦ Omit COMMA AFTER â€śKingâ€ť and after â€śrobe.â€ť Herâ€¦ Should be â€śSheâ€ť...to compliment â€śHe.â€ť abandoned sick, slave ..COMMA after â€śabandoned,â€ť none after â€śsick.â€ť He royalty...COMMA after â€śHe.â€ť There she is barefoot...Perhaps â€śThere she stood etc.â€ť Without so much as looking up...Omit â€śso much as.â€ť New paragraph at â€śWithout,â€ť since someone is about to speak. for this ladyâ€¦ Would the king refer to her as a â€śladyâ€ť or as a â€śslave.â€ť At this point she was a slave The auctioneer answers...New paragraph every time a new person speaks. seems that ...New sentence hereâ€¦.â€ťIt seems thatâ€¦â€ť ***The King said...New paragraph here. ***The auctioneer responded...New paragraph. at no priceâ€¦ Perhaps â€świthout priceâ€ť or â€śfor nothingâ€ť might be better. ***The King stood...New paragraph...he is about to speak. He held out his hand...New action...new paragraph. well, and strong, healthy slaves. Omit either â€śwellâ€ť or â€śhealthyâ€ť since both mean the same thing. 6 ***The king motioned ...New action...new paragraph. without hesitation ...Say â€śimmediately.â€ť there feet ...Spelling errorâ€¦.â€ťtheir.â€ť There points to a place. â€śTheirâ€ť refers to ownership. The crowd owns the feet. something as useless as that woman? ...Perhaps â€śa woman so useless.â€ť 7 that He wanted them to bathe her, feed her and dress her ...Instead â€śto bathe, feed and dress etc.; ***â€śI want her treatedâ€¦New paragraph, since king speaks. dignity.â€ť He instructed...COMMA after â€śdignity,â€ť he instructed. Lowercase â€śhâ€ť for â€śinstructed.â€ť I want you to teach her...Omit â€śI want.â€ť Simply say â€śTeach her to etcâ€ť I want you ...Omit this each time. Simply â€śFurnish her etc.â€ť teach her ...Say this once, omit every other time. Say â€śTeach her to dress etc, to talk with etc., to live with etc.â€ť Kings councilorâ€™s...these are â€ścounselorsâ€ť OF the king. If you can use the word â€śofâ€ť then an apostrophe is necessary. Therefore â€śkingâ€™s,â€ť since they belong to the king. The king does not belong to the counselors. Check the spelling for counselors as well. why her...Omit this since the following sentence suggests this. He could have ...Begin â€śSince the king could have etc., his counselors asked him, â€śWhy buy a slave etc.â€ť Out of respect they would not use the word â€śyou.â€ť Kings answer ...Again it is the answer OF the king, therefore â€śkingâ€™s.â€ť was simply...Or perhaps say â€śThe king answered simply.â€ť I saw ...Omit this, since he said â€śI have seen.â€ť No semicolon after â€śseen,â€ť but COMMA. 8 feast, a celebrationâ€¦.Insert â€śand.â€ť Guestâ€¦.â€ťGUESTS.â€ť summoned in...Omit â€śin.â€ť the mystery womanâ€¦.â€ťmysteryâ€ť is too strong a word, perhaps â€śstrange.â€ť Or better â€śthe slave,â€ť since she was bought as a slave, 9 The time came and â€¦â€ťcame when.â€ť Trumpets began to soundâ€¦â€ťtrumpets sounded COMMA. and the throne room doors ...Omit â€śandâ€ť a silk runner â€¦â€ťWas this a special carpet?â€ť directly behind them ...This is a new sentence. Amazinglyâ€¦Watch your use of this word. Perhaps â€śveryâ€ť would be better. When you use it this often, it becomes â€śoverdoneâ€ť and meaningless. 10 silk, and lace ...no COMMA â€śsilkâ€ť since silk and lace go together. entered into the ball room...Omit â€śin.â€ť five paces . Omit this, since it does not add to the narrative. gown made of silk ...Omit â€śmade.â€ť flowers of various colors made a crown ...Say â€śHer hair was crowned with flowers of various colors.â€ť No need to say â€śon her head,â€ť since her hair could only have been on her head. She slowly walked ...The sentence before says she walked, therefore do not repeat that she walked. Say â€śShe slowly walked with poise, erect and strong, the path etc. End sentence there. Then say â€śThen the king stepped from etc.â€ť ground floor...this is incorrect. This sounds like a two-storey building and the king is like SpiderMan who moves from one floor to the lower floor or storey. Omit this completely. Simply â€śstepped from the platformâ€ť (or from his throne...which is better) Everybody knows that a throne is on a different level. This term refers to a building with more than one â€śstoreyâ€ť or â€śfloor.â€ť huge smile...huge is the wrong word. Perhaps â€śThe king smiled brightly (or widely), or simply â€śsmiled.â€ť Do not overdo anything. upon his face ...Omit, since the smile could not be anywhere else. took her by the handâ€¦â€ťtook her hand.â€ť as delicate as the rose pedals she walked upon.,..Better to say â€śtook her soft and delicate hand.â€ť Omit this phrase. It is far too mushy, overdone. he slowly lifted it up...Omit â€śheâ€ť and â€śup.â€ť biggest, brightest, blue eyesâ€¦ â€śher big, bright blue eyes.â€ť he had ever seen...Omit this. Again the emotion is too extreme. Be moderate. an amazing smile...Omit this. Perhaps say, â€śThen her smile melted etc.â€ť ***The King reached ...New paragraph. upon her delicate fingerâ€¦. Watch your adjectives...Omit â€śdelicate.â€ť It becomes too â€śmushyâ€ť or sounds like overdone romanticism. he leaned in...Omit â€śin.â€™ slightly to the side...Omit this. â€śTiltedâ€ť is enough. she responded by taking a half step towards himâ€¦.Simply â€śShe approached him and etc.â€™ there lips ...This would be â€śtheirâ€ť since they owned the lips. But this is saying that they kissed. Therefore omit this. Softly, slowly, and gently they kissed. This is enough, therefore the above is unnecessary. upon the platform, towards her throne...Omit â€śupon the platform.â€ť â€śled his bride to her throneâ€ť is sufficient. they turned to face the audience. Begin with â€śThen they turned etc.â€ť New paragraph here. Keep writing. Improvement only comes with persistence, patience and a critical eye. Blessings!
Wow..you are a great writer. I thoroughly enjoyed this and the message along with it. I hope that you are or will be writing books. You have an amazing talent in my opinion. Thanks so much. Rick K.