The short narrative “My Love” has several, very, curious aspects involved in its writing. There is the unusual content. The next is circumstances in which it was written. It is a one draft narrative. The last two curious aspects are timing, and knowledge.
The content is curious because, not being religious; it is about life, our purpose here at this time, the importance of knowledge over ignorance and fear, death, and beyond that. What “My Love” tells the reader is not something I intended to tell the reader. To be, totally, honest about it I didn’t know what I was writing, nor to whom it was written to. I was, merely, the fingers on the keyboard. It’s not that I don’t have the knowledge to write the narrative, but I, also, have the knowledge to know there are some things I know that should never be told to anyone else out of time. It is an interesting paradoxical situation in that with knowledge you don’t need faith. An idea presented to you is merely that. It takes a leap of faith in order to make an idea a belief, but when you have knowledge of the idea; belief is not necessary. It’s just that this may not be something I would tell any, save for a very few.
I have a rule I follow when I write something. I never, ever, show the first draft. It usually goes into the trash. After the third draft is when I allow someone to see my work. “My Love” is a first draft work. I did go back over it, but there was not anything I could find to refine, or change. I know I am not a good writer, so I have to try harder to express myself.
Circumstances, timing, and knowledge
The first of January I knew something was wrong, and it was wrong enough to make me go to a doctor. My chest hurt, I had trouble breathing, and one lung was all wheezy. She prescribed two week regime of antibiotics and steroids. On that day, and every day after work no matter how bad I felt I worked on “My Love” I did not miss any work, but I felt really bad, but then, to go home and write a story made no sense at all. I had no idea who I was writing it to, nor why. On Friday, the fourteenth I took my last antibiotic, my last steroid, and finished “My Love.” Still not knowing what it was for I put it away in a password protected file.
On Saturday I felt worse, if anything, so I went back to our local clinic. This time they did an EKG. They told me my heart was in afib, and I should go to the emergency room, now!! I finished “My Love” on Friday, I checked into the hospital on Saturday, and I coded on Sunday. Only by the valiant efforts of many professionals and some of the strangest medical technologies I have never heard of, and already being in the Heart hospital did I live through that, not undamaged, but alive.
I, now, know who it was written to, and why. Read it and see if you know, too.
I know you have night mares
In your sleep
I know you have fears, that from all,
You ask questions for answers
You are brave enough to seek
Your fears are from the questions, which,
You dare not breach.
Life’s questions which you pursue are not an indication of immaturity, but rather a result of maturity. Only when someone is ready for an answer will they contemplate the question, and it can be amazing how long some may put off asking the hard questions. Beware the trap which lies on this path to enlightenment. Once begun, the trip cannot be abandoned. Wisdom and knowledge cannot be cast aside in order to return to a state of innocence if you should hear an answer that would frighten you the only thing you can do is cast around for a deeper meaning, and if you feel you are right then stand your ground. There is serenity in innocence when knowledge may be uncomfortable or unsettling at times. Keep in mind, as you proceed, true serenity will, only, be found with knowledge, for in innocence serenity is supported by ignorance. Fear is a possession of ignorance, and has no relation to knowledge.
My Love, know that, although, we travel on this path, together, my feet trod, once, were yours are now placed. What you see, now, once was the view that belonged to me. I was twelve years old when, first, I died. I learned of death on that day, but I found much more of life than I can say. One thing I will say is that you are never, ever, alone, it only feels that way. Your friend will come to you in a variety of ways. The most likely will be as a counselor in your dreams; another will be that gut feeling of intuition. Although my place on the path is a reach away from where you, now, stand I know you will make it here, one day. I will help you on your way.
My light, my love, I cannot give the answers away. They do not have meaning if passed on in that way. The most I can and do is lead you close enough so you may see the way. My path is slightly different than the one you will take, just as yours is slightly different than any other. In essence, your path defines who you are, today, and who you will be some other day. Each step changes you just as the path changes with each step. Although all our paths are different they all lead the same way.
My friend, lust, envy, anger, temptations of the body and soul may, at times, may make your path seem to be a slimy, slippery morass. If you slip and fall, or when you slip, fall, and seem to lose your way do not despair for your path is still there. Pick yourself up, or crawl, if you must, from here to there. Just continue your journey as you did before. If you despair and depression takes you, then you must stop and contemplate where, and who you are. Remember to believe in yourself and listen to the one who comes to help you. (You are never, ever alone, but you must listen when you are spoken to) Then take one step, more, the right way.
At times, my friend, time seems to fly away. It is funny that way. There are times when time may seem a friend, and at times it will not seem that way. As for, “How long is a life?” None can say. The second lesson is that time and life are not that way. Be it heinous or be it bliss, but time and life are not as they seem, today.
At one point, or one step on my path, life seemed to start at the point the moment of birth. From that moment our line of life inclined, slightly, as we grew, developed, and learned our life’s lessons. Somewhere along this inclining line it leveled off, for a while, then began to decline as we grow older, then would decline back to the point of birth, and stop. Our life’s line would decline abruptly in the event of illness or an accident, or it would decline slowly if we age gracefully. That would be a life, or at least the part we can, now, see. Life seemed that way, just a beginning, a growing, a decline, and an ending. It seemed very simple, if I might say. Life and time seemed that way, but a few steps down my path it was quite different. Imagine, if you will, a sea shell found upon a beach. When cut in half it reveals a wonderful spiral looped pattern. Each of the spiral loops begin and end at the center point of the shell. Life begins in the center of the shell. It loops out as we learn and grow, life peaks, at some point and begins to loop back to the center as we grow older. The most important part of this lesson is when the line reaches the center of the shell we find not an ending, but rather a new beginning. We cannot see this beginning until we reach it. That does not mean it is not there. From where I am on my path I cannot see either true beginning nor true endings, only many lessons to be learned though many life experiences. I have seen the immortal spirit within. It is just the concepts of eternal life and infinite space, still, give me pause. Our, only, conscience experience is one where all is limited, I suppose it would be the most naturally similarly difficult, concept for a caterpillar to, try, to imagine what it would be like to be a butterfly.
Once, when I was young, I died, my love, it was long before we met. I was found by a friend when I was alone in the dark, and I was taken to another place. It was a place being prepared for us. There are many mansions within the Father’s house. There is one being prepared for us. I was taken to the place that is to be ours‘. It is near being ready just as some among us are nearing being ready to be there. A great analogy would be when we graduate from grade school we go to a different place for middle school, and so for high school, and on. We never stop learning, but one day we will be out of school and all our friends and family will meet us for a celebration. My friend, that met me when I died put it this way, “We (He said we! He included himself as a human, although not in a physical body. Contemplate the ramifications of that. He spoke as if he were my brother, or I were equal to him. Me, equal to the angel that guided me into heaven! That is so beyond amazing.) He said, “We are made in The Great Shepherd’s image. We are learning to be.” That was said to me forty-seven years ago and it still gives me goose bumps.
There is one other place I have seen from my path. It, too, was shown to me. It is a place of healing; it is a place of love. It is a place of refuge for us when we are in need. My friend told me we pursue physical life because it is rich in experiences, but there are times those experiences may leave us, somewhat, battered and bruised. It is not a physical place just as it is not a place for physical healing. It is a place of spiritual healing. This is a step you probably cannot quickly make, my love, but I will tell you of it and you may think of it to find your own way. My friend, who met me and guided me into the light, upon hearing my thoughts as if they were words. When I thought , I know I am dead. What and where or when is this? I have been taught that when we died we entered a sleep. We slept until the resurrection at which time we would rise and be judged. We would, then, follow the judgment. “Sleep? There is no time for sleep! There is too much to learn, too much to do. You have no need of sleep!” He plainly exclaimed. The second thing is I was no longer in a physical body. If I may say, I was clothed in a spiritual body, and it truly was wonderful beyond all words of description. He was telling me the physical and the physical world in what he called, “The human condition,” It is excellent as a teaching tool because it is extremely rich in experiences and feelings. I could not help but think, “Who, in their right mind, would want to live in the physical world when they could be like this?” He did understand what I was saying, at this he responded, “We live physical lives in the physical world because we want to. Each of us will live that life many times, until the lessons are learned.” That, I believe is why I was shown the place of healing and love, and you would need no words to explain this if, just, for an instant you could remember what it felt like when you were clothed in your spiritual body. For a spiritual person to live in a physical body, much less to live a lifetime in a physical body, could be, and probably would be traumatic for a being as graceful as an (Angel?). Some lives, I know, are easier than some others, but look around you. There are many that will lead a traumatic life. Rich in experiences and feelings would not be the way I would explain it, so I can see the need for the place of healing after living a life here.
Whether you believe there is something of us that binds us to a greater life, or this present life is all there is there is one thing you should agree to, and that is that each and every person alive today is a unique individual that cannot be explained by physical differences, alone. There is a word of warning which needs to be pointed out, at this point. There is something within that makes each and every one of us special and unique. Whether this something is an immortal spirit, or if it fades away when the body dies; it can be damaged. Anything that can be damaged can be damaged beyond cohesiveness or beyond recoverable life. We can do this to ourselves when we stray from our path, or others may damage us when we allow someone to seduce us to stray from our path. The further we stray from our path the greater the damage will be. There is a third possibility for which this warning is needed. There are some that can and may damage or destroy either a person’s immortal spirit or that which make each of us special. I cannot say if these may be as a physical presence or not only that there are some who can do this, and they can do this whether we are on our path or not. Even an immortal spirit is not indestructible. Even knowing who you are does not clad you in protective armor. To lose one unique person is terrible, but to lose a gentle immortal spirit is, truly, heinous. Take care, my love, it could be your awareness is your best defense. I would, gladly give myself to keep you from harm, but we are rarely given that choice.
I know you have nightmares
When you sleep
I know you have fears that,
From all, you keep.
Beware the monsters that thrive in ignorance. Always strive for the light of knowledge. Never let others control or limit you by exploiting your fear which is caused by a lack of knowledge to force you to serve them and their goals! The only avenue to empathy, self-development, joy, and happiness is through knowledge. All else is a façade.
Do not despair or be fearful. I have seen the other side and we are OK! Everyone is alright! I could see the quest that we are on, and all of us alive today, yesterday, and tomorrow are on this quest, and you know, as a whole, we are doing pretty good.
Understand that you will only understand what you are ready to understand, but what you may not be able to understand today, you may understand tomorrow.
The tricky thing is that questions may lead to answers. Good questions may lead to better answers, but answers will only lead to more questions! That is until it is your time.
Be strong. Be patient. Persevere, we have far to go, but even a faltering step is a step closer to our goal.
My love, my heart is with you, and I have always felt I will see you, again.
This letter I wrote to my brother to explain the rest of the story;
I'm glad you liked what I wrote. Now, I would like to tell you a little more of that.
We have free choice. That is very important to remember. As long as we have free choice what we decide to do minute by minute defines who we are and where we are on our path. The rest of the story concerns this free choice, and the choice I made.
Like I said on Friday I had finished writing that narrative, or it was written through me. It was written the way it was because I now believe it was a lesson, and my friend (the one that guided me into the light many years ago) didn't know for sure which choice I would make. If you remember when I was twelve years old I touched that hi-line wire with the irrigation pipe and was electrocuted. Anyway after my life was judged The Powerful Presence Gave me three reasons why I would not be allowed to pass on that I had to come back and live my life. The first was that I was meant to do something that I had not yet done; the second was that I was meant to influence someone I had not, yet, met; and the third was I did not know enough, yet, to accomplish the other two.
Do you know what it takes for me to go to the doctor? Practically an act of God to put it bluntly. I had decided long before that I would rather die than to have an extended hospital stay and the possibly leave Marilyn homeless. I have little fear of death. Circumstances put me in the heart hospital at NW hospital on Saturday night. As soon as I was attended my kidneys started to shut down, and let me tell you that hurt like hell. OK, what I have told no one was at that point (about 9:30 on Saturday night; I left. I wasn't there. I went into the dark to find my friend. They tell me that on Sunday my kidney's had failed and I coded. The attending nurse brought in the crash cart to use the defibrillator to start it up again, and that failed, three hits and nothing happened. Now, consider this; I was in the right place (the Heart hospital) I was in CCU in a room above the heart cath lab, which is the only place this new procedure could be done. The heart cath lab was not being used, but the full staff was there, a qualified doctor was THERE. They were of the opinion that they were too late and even if it worked I would be brain dead, but they wanted to try. So, they ran me down to the cath lab, set things up; punched out the main arteries in my legs; inserted long thin balloons into those arteries up into my chest, sealed things up, and started inflating and deflating the balloons to circulate my blood until they could get my heart started again. Think of the time it took to do all that!
I don't know if you have ever seen some of the first movie projectors, They were hand cranked, and lit by a kerosene lamp. They were black and white, and very dim. That's what I was shown. I could see what was happening if I really tried very hard to see it, which, at first, I wasn't. So, what brought me back?
My heart was out too long, my organs shut down. They had already told Marilyn that, if, They could keep my body alive that I would , at least, suffer extensive brain damage or brain death; she told them to try anyway. Now, I understand that when an organ shuts down, it does not start up again. When they finally got my heart going again they put me on dialysis because my kidneys were shut down. So, what brought me back?
Something I saw in the dim, flickering images. I saw what it was doing to Marilyn; she never left my side. I don't even think she ate or drank anything, and I remembered a promise she made me make to her, years before. The promise was that I would not die before she did. A broken promise to someone I loved which was devastating her that’s what I was shown! This was my choice. What would I make of it?
There was no choice; I came back! When I came back all my organs started working again, which, I was told is impossible. My kidney specialist was, and is, amazed. I think he had every kidney specialist in town check me out, examine me, and scratch their heads at what had happened. I was walking within a couple days. The doctors went from telling me I was a very sick man; to I was a very lucky man. What really amazed everyone is that not only did my kidneys start working, but as far as they could tell there was no damage at all. They were working at 100% of their capacity. They had to explain it, so they decided that my kidneys must not have shut down all the way; that they were still viable.
So, what do you believe? Was it a series of coincidences, or something other? Something like I was given an opportunity that I had to make that choice? No one would know until the choice was real, and what did I learn from this experience? Was it a lesson?
There is one other factor that figures into this situation, my job. It used to be OK. I used to, actually enjoy it even if it was a manual labor hourly worker. But, my employer has bought two larger complexes and does fee management on three others. One man is responsible for on-call each week. One man covers about 900 units in two cities when he's on-call. Thanksgiving day I worked form 8AM till 10PM; Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday I put 335 miles on my car( and we are not compensated for mileage, and some of it was, not time and a half because a paid holiday does not contribute to your work week) So we went from maybe we would get called to how many calls will you get each night? I asked for this, I realize. now. How many times have I wished that I would do most anything, not, to have to take on-call?
I am not out of the woods yet. My heart is still stuck in Afib, so I have to wear a defibrillator vest; and, if, they can get my heart started in the right rhythm,I will have to have a pacemaker installed. So, I do have a ways to go, but I feel more confident now. But, they tell me since I have lost 85% of my hearts EF (ejection Function) that I qualify as disabled and all my hospital, and doctors bills will be paid, and I will get a tax free check each month for nearly as much as I was making, and I can still make some money on the side, within limits. That seems impossible, and it has not completely worked out, yet but, that's what I have been told. How could anyone bitch about that, to get that and I feel no different than before!
I do suppose we must be careful what we ask for, because we might just get it. Anyway that's my take on this. I may just be a lucky guy. Who knows? Anyway take care. I love you, and I'll talk to you later.