The last Apple Fritter surviving
by James Snyder
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For the last week, I have been chief cook and bottle washer in the house while the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage was visiting our son and his family in Ohio . I like nothing better than being in charge. Of course, I wonder what in the world I am in charge of when I am the only one in the house.
I started out the week planning my menu. When in charge I have one basic rule, dinnertime is any time I am hungry. My wife has the sophisticated idea that meals should be at set times of the day. That's for folk who are stiff and suffer no flexibility in life. I, on the other hand, am the epitome of flexibility. I roll with whatever comes around.
The main course of my menu for the week was pepperoni pizza. After all, you cannot go wrong with pizza. So, I bought five large pizzas, one for each day of the week. This menu planning is really easy. I intended to pile my pizzas on the counter, begin at the very top and work my way to the bottom, one pizza for each day of the week. Just to show I am as organized as my wife is, I marked each box for the day of the week that it would be eaten. Monday was on top and of course, Friday was on the bottom.
As everybody knows, pizza by itself is a rather lonely meal. Every pizza needs a little bit of pizzazz to make it palatable. I know nothing more pizzazzable then Apple Fritters. Usually, when I am not in charge of the menu, Apple Fritters are not permitted. But this is not usually. I am in charge and so Apple Fritters are the companions of my pizza for the week.
Unlike most people, I am not that fond of change unless of course it is jingling in my pocket. When some politician gets on his high horse and talks about change, I immediately turn him off. I know the only change he is interested in is that change jingling in my pocket.
Some people say variety is the spice of life, but the older I get the less spice I really need, unless it is Old Spice and I need gallons of that.
For those of us who are culinary novices, there is something to say for having a well-developed routine. Once that routine is developed, there is no cause for any more thought. Anything that cuts down on my thought process is okay with me. When somebody says, it is the thought that really counts, just count me out.
And so for the week I set before me a feast of pepperoni pizza and Apple Fritters. To go with this delectable meal I have an unlimited supply of coffee. I must say that I do love my coffee. Everything goes better with a good steaming cup of Joe.
The week started just fine. Monday my pepperoni pizza was fresh and hot. I went to the bakery and bought three dozen Apple Fritters. After all, you never know when somebody will drop in for lunch. How embarrassing it would be if I did not have an Apple Fritter to offer a visitor. It would be downright inhospitable.
Monday was the only day the pizza was warm. After all, I have yet to master the delicate intricacies of working the oven. The last time I used it I burnt everything to an unrecognizable crisp and almost burned the house down in the process. The general rule in our house is that I do not touch the oven.
No matter, pepperoni pizza is good hot or cold, especially if I have an Apple Fritter to go with it.
For Friday breakfast, I noticed that the pepperoni pizza had a little bit of green fur on the top. I'm not quite sure if this is some exotic kind of pizza or what. But I must say by Friday this is a rather nice change. Maybe there is something to say for change after all.
Since it was Friday, the biggest thing to do was to get rid of every evidence that I was in charge for the week. Meaning, of course, all the pizza boxes had to be destroyed and there could not be an Apple Fritter on the premise.
I looked at my stash of Apple Fritters and for some reason I had four left over. I ate one while I thought of what to do with the remaining Fritters. I decided to hide the leftover Apple Fritters; after all, it would be a shame to throw something so delicious away. I was sure my wife would be too tired from her trip to look for such things as Apple Fritters and I picked a place she would never think to look.
Later on that evening, I was reclining in my chair reading a book when my wife came into the room and said, "I was making the bed that you did not make all week and guess what I found under your pillow?" She then pulled from behind her back a bag I recognize as one with my Apple Fritters.
Isn't anything sacred anymore?
I was reminded of what the Bible says. "But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out" (Numbers 32:23 KJV ).
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I must steal this: "When somebody says, it is the thought that really counts, just count me out." Actually, I will attribute it to you with your permission when I do my stand-up (so far I've only done it at church and work). Good line. You are funny! I always like to hear about how guys "survive" without their wives. A lot of us single gals live that way all the time and don't appreciate how fun it can be. You have reminded me. Thanks.
I love this hilarious article. Humans sure are silly creatures. If we can only learn to laugh at ourselves, we'd be so much better off!
I just spent the past week alone too at my cabin in NE Iowa turkey hunting, mushroom gathering, and trout fishing: I too got to control my diet-when and how I wanted. Instead of apple fritters/pizza, I am happy to report in that I consumed several beautiful spinach salads complete with asparagus, nuts and dried blue berries! Fresh turkey breast- sauteed mushrooms...smothered with onions: for dessert: yogurt with fresh blackberries and bananas topped with walnuts. For breakfast- homemade whole wheat bread- and spinach omelettes... Earl 2:4- What a man eateth, so he will be! Always enjoy your humor... thanks for a good laugh!