Standing amidst a battleground
Waiting, anxious as I finally give over the fight
Pausing in the moment, the moment my fight becomes His completely
Not one struggle I can hope to ever fight victoriously on my own
My regrets, my weaknesses, my worries repeating torments on me
My desires, my story, my urges to abandon all I don't deserve and am frightened of
To once again trust not my will but His to withstand
Isolation
Hatred
All I must weaken by seeking the strength of God.
The center of life
Preserver of our souls
The sunset sky visionary
The mastermind of the never outshone star sky
The imagination of the playful wild clouds
The engineer of all living things
The beauty of all that can be seen, sensed, felt, smelled,
Heard and impossible to live without.
But I stand here waiting, struggling to accept your free grace.
From You, anger and confusion block me from your gift
You know I'm weak
I know it is not possible without you
A life out of control in my hands
I want, still no refreshing release,
No easy reassurance is released
The firm stone formed in my heart in dark times
Is slowly turning, turning to clay
To be formed by Your hands.
Time can only reveal how the healing,
Weakness, will emphasize your power.
Why? Am I not worthy? Am I not chosen?
The shared want to hear from Him in his children
Is not there.
The communal desire to pray and be close to our Father
Has not been there.
Hiding from the truth, avoiding the only way to a serenity of love,
Questioning everything I should be giving in to, relying on the insecure.
My heart has been hardened, I've pushed myself beyond caring,
Too much pain and loneliness has hurt my heart, feeling beyond repair,
I push myself away from letting go, so many times it is calloused.
Learning so much in the process but caring about the end seems so hard.
Why was I chosen? Why does He try so hard? Why can't I accept?
Clarity, comes with submission rather than desire.
Peace, Serenity; a general sense of awe and wonder at such a foreign feeling,
Ignoring, forgetting the need for sleep, such an encounter with such a small step
Submission, the focus on His love and grasping all your worries,
and holding the bundle blindly to Him to see and take.
Clarity and peace came one night, clear as crystal and comforting to the lost.
He gave me a hug.
What is next after this? How do I change my life after this?
Lack of clear expectations, the heart is wandering from one issue to the next.
Doubts come flooding in daily, my validity for his love lost once again.
The assurances present just a couple of days ago are lost and weakness replaces it.
Alone in this world is a familiar feeling but it is not a comfortable nostalgia return,
But a dreaded struggle to forget how to feel anything at all, to focus on tasks at hand.
But I can't let go of the hope, of the reason of living and of my life so far,
Despite the amount of effort each moment takes.
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