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The First PETA Convention
by Julie Michaelson
04/28/11
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And
the LORD
said to
Joshua,
'Do not be
afraid of them,
for tomorrow
at this time
I will give over
all of them,
slain,
to Israel;
you shall hamstring
their horses,
and burn
their chariots
with fire.'
[Joshua 11:6]
*********************
"LORD?"

[CALM VOICE.]
"What is it,
My Joshua."

"We've got a PROBLEM!"

[CALM NOD.]
"Yes,
My Joshua;
what is it."

"It's that SCARDY-CAT
TRIBE!
Ya KNOW: the ONES
who are always afraid of
DOIN' ANYTHING?"

[CALM NOD.]
"Yes,
My Joshua;
what about them."

(Joshua scratches his
head. His hair has gotten
very scruffy and dirty,
in the past few days; the
air over Jericho is polluted,
and filled with donkey and
oxen dander.)
"WELL........"
(Scratch.)
"MICHAEL.....
and,
all his
plump..
SONS,
my LORD?
Ya know:
the ones who just
wanna sit in their
TENT, all DAY?
And,
KVETCH?"

"Yes,
My Joshua."
[PAUSE.]
[FROWN.]
[SIGH.]
"Go on."

"Well.......they're
REFUSING to HAMSTRUNG
the HORSES!
JUST As You
had COMMANDED,
my LORD!"

[SIGH.]
"String,
Joshua;
string."

"HUH?"

[PATIENT SIGH.]
"Present tense,
My Joshua;
never mind.....
go on."

"LORD!
They've all gotten into
a big CIRCLE: that
Scardy-Cat TRIBE!
They REFUSE to do
anything to the HORSES,
of our ENEMIES!
They're just....CARRYIN'
around SIGNS,
all over the CAMP,
and SHOUTIN'!"

[CALM VOICE.]
"What are they shouting
about."

"SOMETHIN' ABOUT....."
(Scratch. Scratch.)
"......bein' mean to ANIMALS!"

[SIGH.]

"But, I TOLD 'EM THAT
it's the LORD'S COMMAND!
THEY DON'T
CARE!
THEY WON'T
BUDGE,
my LORD!
They're even...
throwin' buckets 'a
red VEGETABLE dye...
around all the HORSES,
and the CHARIOTS!"

[PATIENT NOD.]
"Hm, hm.
Hm, hm."

"Well.....what should I DO?
I'm their LEAD COMMANDER!"

[PATIENT FROWN.]
"No,
I AM,
My Joshua."

"I'm SORRY,
LORD!
YOU ARE!
But........"
(Scratch. Scratch.)
"What are WE GONNA
DO? That dopey TRIBE
won't HEED YOUR COMMAND,
my LORD!
What are
we GONNA DO?"

[CALM PAUSE.]
[NOD.]
"Tell Michael...
and
all his sons......"

(Scratch.)
"Yes, my LORD?"

"Tell them......
The Lord is going to
put a curse on all their
children and grandchildren."

"BUT I DON'T THINK
THEY CARE,
my LORD!
ALL THEY CARE ABOUT
ARE THOSE STUPID
BEASTS!"

[FROWN.]
"Hush.
I'm not finished."

(Scratch. Scratch.)
"I'm.....SORRY,
my LORD!
GO ON!"

[PATIENT PAUSE.]
[NOD.]
"Tell them......
because of their
disobedience.....
all their future
generations......
children and grandchildren...
shall be near-sighted,
and flat-footed,
and
all their beasts shall rule
over them."

"What's NEAR-SIGHTED
mean,
my LORD?"

[PATIENT VOICE.]
"Can only see near."

"HOW NEAR,
my LORD?"
(Scratch. Scratch.)
"They're gonna ASK!"

[PAUSE.]
"Hold out your palm."
[PAUSE.]
"Now.....
point it toward your face."
[NOD.]
[PAUSE.]
[CALM VOICE.]
"Now.....
touch
your
nose."
*******************
And,
Joshua
did to them
as the LORD
bade him;
he hamstrung
their horses,
and
burned their
chariots
with fire.
[Joshua 11:9]



Copyright 2011.

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