I don’t ask for much, but that my morning routine flow undisturbed: thirty minutes of peace, a cup of good coffee, and a hot shower. My children allow me this time out of the abounding love they have for me in their hearts, and the respect due me as their mother.
Yeah right. The deal is that I get my thirty minutes every morning, and the kids get five bonus dollars in their allowance.
And yes, I know its bribery, but its all I’ve got.
However, I am a shrewd consumer, and believe in receiving services paid for. If I have to pay for my morning groove, then by golly, I expect to have it. Should even one of these three key ingredients be missing and my peace be disrupted, then the deal is off.
This means that if the phone rings, or the dog sighs heavily, or a sunbeam falls too loudly upon the floor and disturbs my peace and disrupts my routine, there will be no bonus dollars forthcoming at the end of the week.
Should I find that there is no coffee to be had in the house, not only is our business deal null and void, but I am likely to pierce every living thing from the oldest child to the smallest fern in the window, with a very sharp look, and return to my bed for the rest of my life or until such time as a coffee bean is produced, ground, and properly brewed.
As important as silence and a supply of good coffee are, a shower is even more so: the hot water, you see, opens the pores on my scalp allowing my brain to breathe, and life to continue. Without it, my head is likely to implode from the negative pressure. I am completely convinced of this.
It takes the water in our bathroom a few minutes to warm up, so I turn it on and let it run while I brush my teeth. This is also part of my morning routine, and it usually goes without a hitch. However there was a time that I pulled the curtain back to find that the drain was clogged and the tub was filling up with water.
This is not part of the groove. I do not like slopping around in ankle deep water. That is not showering. That is wading.
The plunger was completely ineffective against the clog, as was the wire hanger I sent down to do a little reconnaissance work. It was time to move on to chemical warfare. Two and a half bottles of drain cleaner later, the drain was no closer to allowing the water to pass through, and had, in fact, backed up into the tub.
Like nearly every problem in life, the more solutions I poured into it, the bigger the mess became. It was becoming increasingly clear that I couldn’t fix this problem on my own. I needed to call in a higher authority.
The plumber sat on the edge of the tub, gave it a disbelieving look, then looked at me sideways, just as disbelievingly. “Well then,” he started, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a problem like this before. No siree, there’s no way that water is going down. Not without a miracle of God.”
“There isn’t?’ I replied, dismayed. All hope of recovering my groove dissipated. A miracle of God, he had said. Apparently, I hadn’t taken my clogged drain and subsequent lack of peace to a high enough authority.
“Of course,’ he continued, ‘unless you do this.’ And with that, the plumber reached over. And flipped the drain switch. And all the water went down.
I offered him a hundred dollars to keep his mouth shut and never tell anyone what an idiot I was, but he shook it off and said that it was way too good a laugh to sell.
I felt pretty stupid about it, and truth be told, it has not gone down in history as one of my better moments. But it could have been worse, it could have waited until my husband got home, and then I wouldn’t ever have lived it down. If I could just keep the kids quiet, he would never even have to know.
And they have kept it quiet, but their silence has come with a price tag that borders on highway robbery.
The deal is ten bonus dollars a week in their allowance, but I get to keep my groove.
As a fellow home writer, allbeit a mere male, I appreciate your grasp of the eternal early morning problem, thanks. Plus the fact I have a wife of 33 years with similar early moring traits. Just read your other contributions you have a wonderful starting style, keep it up. DAVE - a full-time working Performance Poet