And another thing, I had to run the littles to karate after a quick trip to the market, and a brief detour to the drive-through for burgers and coke that were, invariably, knocked over onto the floor of the van, soaking the papers that I needed to bring to the insurance company, after I dropped off the dry cleaning which, Lord have mercy, I forgot at the house with the dog that needs to be brought to the vet for his shots.
Okay, times up. Turn your paper over and place your pencils on the desk.
If youíve failed to follow me thus far, you are not quite ready for full time motherhood. Take two aspirin and call Dr. Dobson in the morning. In the meantime, you can practice balancing the checkbook, helping with math homework, and clipping little fingernails, while putting on your make up. Yes, it can be done. There is always ďanother thingĒ that can be done.
Do not be discouraged, very few pass the first time. Learning the art of full time motherhood is a process.
Yours is a noble life of service. Your brain may fall out along the way, but do not be dismayed. Your children do not believe you have one anyway. They simply require you to sign your name on the dotted line, drive them to the nearest social function, and/or fork over large amounts of cash.
Soon you will develop a permanent look in your eye that will belay a certainty that youíve forgotten something important, like turning off the iron or picking a child up from soccer. Donít panic, but you probably have. It happens to all of us. Whatever you do, donít admit to it. They make appliances that turn off automatically, and child counseling just isnít as expensive as it used to be.
But before long, even unexpected company will become a breeze. If your house is mess and youíre pressed for time, youíll soon realize that the washer and dryer hold an amazing amount of last minute stuff. Youíll learn the art of flawlessly seaming two frozen lasagnas together to appear home made, and how to make award winning deserts out of a package of flour tortillas, four ice cream sandwiches and a half eaten chocolate bar.
Your life will begin to resemble a run-on sentence of ďother thingsĒ that need to be washed, cooked, driven, paid for, cleaned, polished, or put away, and youíll find that you are not only up to the challenge, but that you look forward to it. However, you mustnít attempt to get it all done in one day. If you do this, your family will only demand more of you. Besides, it will make your friends jealous and youíll end up all alone in your organization.
One fine day you will join the ranks of amazing wives and mothers who make this country run. Iím not talking about daytime television divas who have a staff of fifty doing all the real work behind the scenes, either. Iím talking about real women. Iím talking about the kind of woman who could jar their own jelly, bake their own bread, and weave their own toilet paper if they werenít busy with the important things: kissing boo-boos and helping with homework.
Once you make it, and you master the challenge of full time motherhood, you must still remember to always leave a few things lying around and forget to pay the phone bill from time to time. This it look as though youíre overworked. You may even score big and have someone come in and help with the chores. If you accomplish this, you are automatically promoted to Queen of Housewives, your feather duster will be gilded, and youíll become wealthy selling the secret to your success. I will be your very first customer.
But for now, I need to get moving. Scott is calling for help with the littles, who are having a sleep over with eight of their best friends and have spilled coke on the floor which Iíll have to steam clean in the morning after I run to the store for bug spray, but before I go through the car wash to vacuum up yesterdayís french-fries that are beginning to attract the ants that I have to get rid of before I can steam clean the carpets in the van.