It was as if a familiar voice was calling me from the deep autumn forest. Without provocation my legs promptly responded and my heart followed. It was one of those warm days in late September that I would remember for the rest of my life. The sounds of children joyfully screaming and playing sounded in the distance.
I crossed the busy highway without even wondering why. I easily maneuvered over the cold barbed wire fence and into the dark forest. The pathway was trampled with deep ruts from horse hooves. I walked on the side of the path on the wonderful autumn leaves that carpeted the forest floor. The sounds of the children's voices slowly disappeared as I made my way deeper into the colorful surroundings. On top of the hill was a small clearing. Without any thought I laid down on the forest floor. In the sky, the trees danced rhythmically in the wind while the puffy clouds passing by smiled down upon me. The leaves were warm on my back from the bright September sun. I wasn't waiting for anything and a wonderful peace filled my soul. This was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I could lie there forever.
I don't know why I did this. It was totally unpremeditated. I was on my way to school, which was only two blocks away, and I decided to cross the road into the deep wooded forest and skip the afternoon off. I was only in grade eight at the time and twelve years old. The Catholic school I went to was just up the street from my house. On the opposite side of the street was a wonderful forest that my friends and I often played in. A local horse ranch owned it and during their tours they would often take the riders through the long path that ran through the thick forest. They never stopped us from playing in there. We were just kids, what could we really do. I loved that forest more than anything. For some reason that day that forest called out to me and I had to respond even if it meant skipping school. I had never skipped school before and this was in a time that things like that never happened. We were very naïve back them. We were studying Robert Frost poems at the time. One in particular seemed to get stuck in my head and I was fascinated by it not knowing why. The poem was called “The Road Not Taken”. The particular line in the poem that haunted me was “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Which one I should I travel, I can't travel both”. In the end the author decides to take the road less traveled. That was me I thought, that's the road I wanted.
As I lay on the forest floor I pondered the poem and relived the vivid images of the yellow wood before my eyes. I began to sync myself with the rhythm of the trees dancing in the warm breeze. It was as if a conductor was conducting a symphony and the trees responded to every move of his baton.
God called me that day and I am not sure how, but I responded with my spirit and not with any words. My spirit said yes, I will follow you on the road less traveled. The very act of me going into the forest and forgetting of my studies was in fact the response God was looking for. Was I willing to forsake all else to follow after him?
The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost (1874–1963)
Mountain Interval. 1920
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
A young man and woman stood before me in a brightly lit room. They both looked about 12 years old. We stood on some plateau and a large childlike mobile hung above our heads. Cutout shapes of moons and stars draped down just above my head. The strings that held the shapes seemingly had no origin as I looked up.
The young man came up to me, and said, “Well, you pulled the right strings”. I didn’t know what he meant and I was surprised. Suddenly a face popped down and started to talk to me. It was an old man about 75 years old. His face had distinct lines and was overly expressive. The face was exaggerating every word and syllable but I could not hear what he was saying clearly. I asked the boy what he was saying. He said with a big Cheshire-cat grin, “You pulled the right strings, now you get to go to heaven!” Two angels came and began to carry me up to heaven. I could see where they were taking me and that it was on a higher level. A small chasm divided us and there was no way of getting to the higher level except by angel flight.
As we rose over the crest, my heart jumped for joy. There before me stood the Father. His back was towards me and He was talking with some small children. His long robes and his hair were as white as snow.
There were many children in the room all walking on the same path He was. I looked to be the oldest in the room, and guessed my age about 12. Most were babies and the medium age was about 5 years old. I had never seen such golden-hearted people. Every person I looked at was a gem of God’s and their hearts were so pure. They radiated with God’s love. In all the other parts of heaven that I had been, I had never seen such people.
A young man came up to me with disbelief in his eyes and spoke to me. “No one from down there has ever made it this far before. That is indeed a privilege to come this far and meet Him!” I immediately burst into tears. The intensity of His love was so overwhelming. I thought I was going to explode. Every pore of my being was trying to turn inside out. I wanted to laugh, scream, cry, and fall down all at once. The intensity of this moment was indescribable. I knew that He had given me an incredible gift, which had no earthly measure. When I looked down, I could not believe what I was seeing. It was a beautiful little dog with pure white long hair. I think it was a Pulik or Puli. (Later I found out that this rare dog is a Hungarian sheep dog and its nicknamed “Lion of Judah”) I picked it up and began to pet it. It was God’s dog I thought, and I liked him! I saw Daddy talking to some children so I grabbed hold of Daddy’s robe. When I touched Him, I began to weep. I could not stop weeping and thought I would burst. Love itself was pouring through His robe to me. The intensity was overwhelming.
I was not about to let go of His robe for anything. I felt such peace and never wanted to return to earth ever again. I found the love I had been searching for all my life!
Side by side, we walked together through the streets of heaven. I held the dog in one hand and clung to His robe with my other hand. We stopped occasionally while other children came up to greet Him. He spent time talking to them and just loving them. We would continue a little farther and some more children would stop to talk to Daddy. I looked at the children walking by and they looked at me incredulously, which caused me to weep even more.
Daddy began talking to me but I could not make out everything He was saying. Some words were clear others were more like mumbling. I watched His hand as He spoke and He constantly made gestures with it as if even His hand was speaking to me. His hand fascinated me and I could not stop studying it as we walked. His hand was pure white and had clear signs of being old. I knew that He was “Ancient of Days” and that He was wisdom.
I looked up at Him but the angle that I was at, would not allow me to see His face. He kept talking to me continually but I could only hear certain sentences clearly. I began to weep again thinking I came this far to talk to Daddy but I can’t hear Him very well. I was waiting for a good moment to interrupt Him but none came since He was talking continually.
I finally interrupted Him and asked Him “Daddy, could you please heal my hearing so I could hear you better?”
My voice sounded like a little child and it surprised me when I spoke.
He stopped instantly, turned towards me, knelt down on His right knee and put His hand over my left ear. He turned His head down and to my left so I could not see His face. I looked at the top of His head and His pure white hair. I felt the most incredible anointing on my ear. The only way to describe it would be to call it pure love. Daddy responded so quickly; I thought I would ask for something else. A sudden boldness came over me and I asked, “If there is anything else that needs fixing could you fix that too please?” I figured that just about covered everything. With that, He took His hand off my left ear and placed it put over my heart and laid it on my chest. This surprised me and frankly, I had never thought that my heart needed fixing. Again, I felt that intense love and began to weep even more. I was about to ask him something else but He heard my thoughts and said “Ssshhhhhhh, it was a difficult thing you asked”. The love I was feeling was so intense I could not stop weeping. I closed my eyes and began soaking in this moment.
Suddenly I am waking up in bed and immediately burst into tears. It was now four in the morning. I had been gone for four hours! I could not stop sobbing. That same intensity of His love and that feeling of bursting was still in me. I could clearly hear the song in my head, “He walks with me and talks with me and tells me I am his own”. I knew it was true. He really does!
Every time I thought of what I saw, I would immediately burst into tears, with deep sobbing.
I am physically deaf in my left ear and I began to think about Daddy laying his hand over my ear. My heart sank as I realized I could still hear the ringing in my ears and I wasn’t healed. Suddenly it dawned on me that maybe God healed my spiritual ears. My spirit jumped inside. I decided to test it. Nervously I asked, “Daddy?” He spoke audibly to me, “Yes, my son. You pulled on my heartstrings. For four and a half years, you cried out to me morning, noon, and night just to hear my voice more clearly. Today I have granted that request. You have truly sought me out and I have given you a great gift. I have never given such a thing to a man as this before. This is indeed a privilege. You need not get vain about this, for it was I who gave you the unquenching burden to find me”. I started to weep again. I felt so privileged.
The next hour or so we talked back and forth and I asked Him many pressing questions that I had been asking Him for many years. He answered me clearly and without hesitation. Many times I had to stop Him in His answers because they were too wordy and I wanted to get on to the next question, fearing He would leave. His voice sounded like an ocean swirling around. Like a million voices in perfect unison. He spoke to me. “Tell my people, I want to be found by them”.
After this meeting with the Father, I began a new journey. When I look back I wonder how I even survived the trials I went through. The Lord began to give me dreams of my childhood. Each one of these dreams began to reveal the terrible neglect I went through as a child and how it affected me as an adult. The Lord was true to His word and began to heal me of all my afflictions just as He promised. I knew in the word it said, “That if my people would humble themselves and pray and seek my face I would heal their lands”. I was a living example of someone who pursued God above all else and now, I was reaping my rewards. I sometimes spent weeks in what seemed utter agony reliving my childhood. I had forgotten as a 4-year old, being locked out of the house all-day long. I would huddle up against a wall to keep warm in the sun. I was bored and lonely.
The Lord revealed to me during this time of rejection and loneliness that He began to speak to me. I could clearly see how He was my comforter and my teacher.
I started to excel in my understanding after my encounter with the Father. All the deeper mysteries in the word were as clear as a window in heaven. Every time I read the word or people challenged me about some word it was easy to understand. I could not hear everything He was saying to me during our walk together in heaven but somehow it all got in anyway.
Sometimes, I am just bursting at the seams with great revelations He has shown me and have no outlet to share them. He is the giver of wisdom.
The children in heaven haunted me. I could not get their small frail bodies out of my mind. If they were on earth, they would be much too small to walk let alone talk. The purity of their hearts was outstanding. Their beauty was beyond anything I have ever seen. After several months of their faces, the mystery began to unfold. These were the aborted children! They were rejected ones just like me! That’s why the Father brought me there. He allowed me to see His heart for the rejected children and put in me a new passion, which sometimes just overwhelms me.
He once told me a long time before that He was sending me forth as his Solicitor. To take back from the enemy His lost children. I thought it meant the Christians but now I realize it’s more than that! The children are defenseless. They have no ability to run away from the deadly needle nor can they take this robbing of their life to court. These children are murdered daily and no one is doing anything about it. Now when I look at children, I am overwhelmed with the love I feel for them.
A pattern was emerging in all of my encounters with the Lord. Jesus was introducing me to the Father. I began to read the gospels again and I found scriptures I had never seen before.
MT 11:27 "All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.”
It was clear that in this scripture, that it was the decision of Jesus, to bring me to the Father. He indeed fulfilled that! I realized all kinds of new things. Most of the church today was stuck on the bridge (Jesus). We had only come partway. We were never fully restored to Him. That’s why we weren’t healed! We set up camp on “Bridge Jesus” and never pursued the Father, as we should have. This is the place where we get our needs met and our lives restored. We were trying to get our healing under our own steam instead of pursuing our creator.
We had used new methods of reciting certain prayers over and over again only to find nothing happening. Jesus came to bring us back to the Father, so we could be restored to Him. When Adam fell, he was kicked out of the garden, where he enjoyed a sweet companionship with the Father. Jesus came to undo all that Adam had done, so through Him we could be restored. Only problem was, we only came partway. We needed to enter fully into the Promised Land.
I felt like I was in the wilderness for my entire Christian walk! Since I have entered into this new understanding of the Father, I feel like I walk in the garden all the time. I feel His presence 24/7. I feel such peace, which is unshakable. Although people would look at my life and wonder how I make it each day. I feel that I have never been happier in my whole life. He talks with me everyday just as if we were in the garden. I know that these last few years have been an incredible surrender for me but I wouldn’t change this walk with Him for anything!
I stood in Heaven. A familiar looking young man, with brown hair and eyes, who appeared to be about 14 years old, stood before me. He appeared excited to see me and was jumpy like a child who was about to open his presents at Christmas.
He spoke to me, “My name is Timmy! Please tell my mother, my brother and sisters that I can hardly wait till were all together in heaven”.
I realized as he said this that I knew his mother, brother, and sisters, well. I knew his mother had an abortion when she was young and this was the aborted boy. I felt so privileged at that moment and just wanted to cry. He had no bitterness in him only love for his family. I knew that God had answered his prayer to be able to share this message with his mother. Timmy was a special boy who I immediately loved. He had a presence of a playful loving boy.
I began to cry at this point. The level of forgiveness in this boy was beyond anything I had ever seen before. He didn’t ask me why his mother ended his life and didn't give him a chance to survive. There was not an ounce of bitterness in him. I felt such incredible love in Timmy and I also felt such love for him. Here was a boy whose life was not taken by a stranger but his own parents and yet he still chose to forgive them. This was at a level that was difficult for me to comprehend. I know people who get bitter and angry because the neighbor parks their car in front of their house. They call the police because a dog craps on their lawn. They want to kill someone because they cut them off on the highway. Then there’s this young man, who was murdered by his own parents hand and only wanted to be with them one day, in heaven.
I went the next day to his mother about my meeting with Timmy. Her response was just tears.
Walking on the narrow road is being a place of constant repentance and humility before the Lord. Every day you must wash yourself clean. You can’t hold a single thing against any man no matter what they’ve done to you. You cannot even walk in the kingdom if you hold unforgiveness towards anyone.
It’s really the story of Cain and Abel all over again. It’s about two personalities, a forgiving one and an unforgiving one. My whole life I have come across this over and over again. The forgiving types are free and easy and let things roll off their back. They are what I call the pure hearted ones. They choose to forgive no matter what happens to them. The Lord delights in these. They are the ones that will be in the throne room, they are the ones that will clearly be in heaven.
And then we have the unforgiving ones. When they choose to not forgive they are coming against the very essence of who Jesus is and the gift He brought us. He said He could not forgive us if we could not forgive our brother. If we do not have His forgiveness, then we cannot enter in, it is not our place.
When I was young the Lord came to me in my room and said, “I want you to forgive your parents for what they did to you”.
I was stunned when He said this because I saw that they did nothing wrong. I could not think of anything in my mind. I knew the Lord could not lie so I knew something must be there. I acted in faith and said the words.
“I forgive my parents for what they did to me.”
Even so, I could not think of anything. My words were just mere words and hardly heartfelt. Immediately after reciting the prayer it was as if a door opened and I saw far into my past. I saw the rejection and how they treated me. I cried when I saw it and now the forgiveness seemed real. I acted in faith first and then God met me.
MT 18:23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
MT 18:26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
MT 18:28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
MT 18:29 "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
MT 18:30 "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
MT 18:32 "Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
MT 18:35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."