Anyone that believes that God is not looking out for them.
-"God Looked Beyond My Faults and Saw My Need"
I have throughout my life harbored much guilt regarding my relationship with my one and only child; my daughter. My relationship between my mother and I wasn't good therefore I vowed when I had my own child it was going to be different. My expectations didn't turn out like I had hoped they would.
Selfishness and immaturity consumed me. I found myself chasing a love that I never found. I believed it was in a man and not in the baby girl that God had blessed me with. I just wasn't thinking straight at this time and I alienated myself from family and friends making my situation more difficult.
My treatment toward her was one that I wished I could forget. When I look back, I put her in situations that a little girl should not have had to see or deal with. I had unresolved issues that made sad and unhappy which hindered my parenting skills.
I took my unhappiness out on her multiple times and in many ways; whether it was hollering at her for no reason or telling her to leave me alone while I sulked in my bed, and I would even spank her at times when she really didn't deserve it.
I tried to ease this horrible guilt by placing the blame on her father who had used me up and threw me away after I had given him anything he wanted or asked me for. That treatment left a dagger inside my heart that stills lingers.
After many failed relationships, I attributed to him, I realized that I didn't really love him but I was in search of a love; not in him; but for myself. I realized that something was missing inside of me as a child. I hadn't received that love from my mother therefore loving me never fully developed was my theory.
I battled trying to restore my relationship with my daughter. She wasn't very happy with me as her mother; I felt she didn't love me nor had any respect for me anymore. I didn't blame her which made the guilt that much deeper, the pain more unbearable.
But there is a "GOD". My daughter became pregnant and she now has a daughter. I knew that God had been watching over me through those awful times. He knew I longed to make things better between us. I knew that he could really see the pain I was experiencing and the destructive path I was headed down.
God sent my angel, my granddaughter. He gave me another chance and gave me the love he knew she would give to me filling that missing void that I had been carrying around for years. He knew the need, and he gave it me.
She not only gives love; but hope. She soothes me when I am down, and she lifts me up when I feel alone. She is only 18 months old. When she sees me coming she always has this big smile on her face while running to me with stretched out arms for me to pick her up.
She lays her tiny head on my chest whiles giving me a kiss. I can't describe the overwhelming feeling that rushes through my body from head to toe. The healing process had begun for me.
Her large chinaberry eyes follow me when I am away from her. She brings back the smile on my face that I thought could never return. She has no knowledge of my past she only knows that I am her “Me mama” which is a great feeling.
God has his own way of looking past our faults and seeing our need. Not only has he given me another chance with my daughter but he has given me my little angle to replace years of pain with pure love.