The Girl Scout cookie conspiracy
by James Snyder
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I am not a great believer in conspiracies.
I do not believe Bigfoot really exists except in the strained imaginations of some people. Some want to believe in Bigfoot, and some need to believe in Bigfoot. I'm not one of them.
I do not believe in the Loch Ness monster. I am sure some Scotsman, after a few nips at the jug, saw something. One thing about the Loch Ness monster is it has been good for tourist trade in Scotland. Who but a Scotsman could figure out a way to make money out of some illusionary figment of someone's imagination?
I do not believe in UFOs. The only UFO I have ever seen was right after the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and I were married. Often when coming home from work I was treated to a UFO (Unidentified Fried Object). I am not complaining because whatever they were, they were delicious. I really do not have to know what I am eating to enjoy what I am eating.
But when it comes all these conspiracies, I cast a jaundiced eye toward them.
None of these so-called conspiracies has ever registered in my book. This past week, however, I have discovered that there is a real conspiracy afoot.
It was a Saturday afternoon and I had just finished some work at my office and was headed home. My wife asked me to pick up a few things at the grocery store on my way home, and I proceeded to do so. I had no idea what I was headed for or what was in store for me.
I parked and then headed for the entrance to the grocery store. Halfway across the parking lot I spied them. At first, it sent a chill up my spine because there was no way to get into the grocery store without passing them. I glanced to my right and then looked to my left but there was no other entrance into the grocery store.
I approached the store entrance slowly and the closer I got to it the bigger they became. There were six of them and they had spied me right off. It was enough to cause me to lose my nerve.
I had never seen such a sight before. There before me were six of the biggest, brown eyes I had ever seen. The closer I got, the bigger they became. And the bigger they got, the smaller my nerve got.
But I was determined. Nothing was going to flag my gait into the grocery store. Then I heard them. It was bad enough to see them but now I was close enough to hear them.
"Hey Mr., want some Girl Scout cookies?"
Those words cut deep into my soul as nothing I had ever experienced before. I thought if I just could ignore them, they would disappear.
"What's the matter Mr., don't you like Girl Scout cookies?"
Don't I like Girl Scout cookies? I'll say. I love them.
These six large brown eyes came in pairs and adorned three very adorable young girls dressed up as Girl Scouts. If only they would have been boys, I could have handled it better. If they were boys I could have said, "Not today, boys. I'm in a hurry."
But, they were Girl Scouts. Cute, little Girl Scouts with big brown eyes.
"Mr., it's only $3.50 a box. How many boxes do you want?"
How many do I want? That is not the question. The question is, how many boxes do you have? Better yet, how many can I hide from my wife when I get home?
I stood at their table and pretended to look at the variety of cookies they had for sale. But as everybody knows, one Girl Scout cookie is as good as any Girl Scout cookie. Besides, it does go for a good cause.
Now that I was at their table, I had a dilemma. All I had in my pocket was a $20 bill. As those large, brown eyes looked at me, all six of them, I just did not have the heart to buy one box and ask for change.
"They all look so good I don't know which one to pick," I said to them.
"We'll help you pick them out."
That solved that problem but I still had the problem of the $20 bill. As I pulled the bill from my wallet, I could feel those eyes piercing into my soul. Why do Girl Scouts have to be so cute and why do they have to have such big brown eyes? This is a conspiracy if ever I heard of a conspiracy.
Finally, I did what anybody else would have done.
"Give me five boxes," and I hesitated slightly, "here's $20 and keep the change."
All six of those brown eyes danced as the rest of the bodies cheered quite loudly.
On my way home with my Girl Scout cookies I thought of a verse of Scripture. "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again" (Luke 6:38 KJV).
Not only did I have the delight of five boxes of Girl Scout cookies but also I had the joy of giving, which can never be minimized.
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Excellent and quite humerous!