Butterflies of black wings dipped orange in flight
Flutter high on breezes push pillows white
A half open window blows curtains blue
Harmonica’s lament leak tears in tune
Lover’s lies of wrongs sing loud goodbyes
Mother sighs at songs sung soft and cries
A half open window blows curtains blue
Iridescent events hearts beg aren’t true
Basketballs of young dreams deflate at night
Left alone in blindness no father’s sight
A half open window blows curtains blue
Ephemeral moments short lived like dew
But prayerful wings
Fond of orange butterflies
Cured blindness with love
From a new Father’s eye
And basketballs bounce high
And mothers don’t cry
Because of prayerful wings
Fond of orange butterflies
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Thank you, Leigh. If you only knew how long my cursor blinked on this line:
"And mothers don’t cry"
And wanted to replace it with curtains blue stay dry.
But I figured I would need three more stanzas and be accused of wrapping everything up nice and neat. The peice was reflective. A man looking back at sights and sounds of childhood. The curtains were the trigger for his memory. I used bigger words to contrast his place in life now compared to then. I wanted them to be out of place. But I guess it doesn't work without three more stanzas. BUT, again, that's why we practice. Thank you for the comments. If I ever finish it, I'll let you know. Even though it does sing a pretty good song right now and leaves the reader something to ponder. Can't give them everything free. But you are correct, and I appreciate your feedback. Be blessed.
Henry C.
This is a lyrical poem with lots of musical rhymes: end ryhme, internal rhyme, (wrongs/songs)and consonance and assonance. Together, they create lovely sounding poem.I like the f quatrains with longer lines and then the change to a 6 line stanza with shorter lines.The enjambment and the lack of punctuation at the end of lines paces the reader tto read with a certain flow and short pauses in between lines where a natural breath would be taken. The rhythm is created by the line breaks and the rhymes. I also like that the rhythm changes with the last stanza, almost like a bridge in a song, although this comes at the end. end.The repetition of the line "A half open window blows curtains blue" tied the poem together and empohazises something imortant about the line. I'm not sure what the open window means in the poem. A repetitive line usually evokes a suspence or dramatizes some importance to the reader.I want to know what it means, I was waiting for a clue to the line's meaning to show up at the end. the images were really wonderful and the creative presentation of images like "Butterflies of black wings dipped orange in flight/Flutter high on breezes push pillows white"
give the reader a surprise in syntax. I don't know if you arranged the word order that way purposely or if you needed to do it for the rhyming. Usually, when a writer palys with word order for the rhymes to work out, it sounds stilted and unnatural, forced. But theses line didn't at all to me. The only critique I have is that, for me, the word choices of "iridescent" and "ephemeral" were too much for this poem that is written with such concrete imagery and clear, simple language. Those two words were to large for this particular poem. Perhaps you could use more concrete modifyers to describe events and moments, or no modifiers at all. The less modifiers in a poem, the better.Really good work! I see you writing with more and more maturity each time I read one of your poems.
Leigh
