It's darkness. It's hopelessness and pain without wound. It's barbed wire with snake venom, curled around your heart and driving deeper and deeper into your person. It's lonely nights and sad music and the dreaded feeling of a next day. It's coldness in your bones, coldness that never reaches your skin. It's fake smiles and faker laughs.
It’s the thought maybe a blade would help. Or a bottle of sleeping pills. Or that pistol in the bed drawer.
It’s a lifeless numbness. It's waking up every morning and wanting to keep your eyes closed forever. It's watching the street too carefully and wondering if you could just slip off the curb. It's looking up at the ceiling as you lay in bed, asking God to just take you while tears leak from your eyes and into your ear.
It's knowing that because of your smile, no one will look further at who you are…or what you may be hiding. It's knowing, that even though they ask what’s wrong, and you comfort yourself with its none of their business, you want someone to try to dig deeper. It's knowing, that maybe…you’ll never feel any different.
It’s a strong, dark power. It enters the soul, lingers in the heart and fades into the mind. It takes over, sucking in the colour around and replacing it with dull yellow and greys. It whispers ideas into your ear, with sweet promises of release, of happiness.
And you’ll do anything to feel again -- anything to feel alive.
A needle in the vein, maybe. A hit of something rolled up. A drag of a cigarette, a gulp of burning gold, a pill melting on your tongue. A dark room and a stranger, a table with white dust cut and waiting. You’ll find any escape but the one offered, the one usually taken.
Because you still cling - cling to the life that you wish you still had, that you wish you could regain. The dull, faded one in the background, listless and fluttering.
It's blood on your arms and wrists. It's red eyes and tight smiles. It's shaking hands and pale skin. It's taking risks and hoping one of them ends this - takes away the everything this power has on you.
Because it doesn’t just go away. It doesn’t just fade one day after years, months, weeks of being in your mind, your heart, your soul. It's alive and hungry and you’re the perfect snack. It’ll eat you, too. Lovingly munch away at your life, smile toothily as it downs your dreams like water, and lick its claws of the remaining hope you don’t really have anymore.
People can say different things about this power. They can smile sympathetically to you and offer a medication. They can suggest a Doctor of many sorts and speak to you in soft tones, as if you’re not already broken. As if they expect those soft mutters to raise you.
They stand there, almost united with determined looks and its an image that’s fake. The expressions are real though - and you remember these memories.
One steps forward. “If you do it, I’ll never talk to you again.”
It's darkness. It's hopelessness and pain without wound. It’s a lifeless numbness. It's knowing that because of your smile, no one will look further at who you are…or what you may be hiding. It's looking up at the ceiling as you lay in bed, asking God to just take you while tears leak from your eyes and into your ear. It’s a strong, dark power.
But sometimes, sometimes it gets too cocky and over confident that you’re broken. Sometimes it turns its head and when it turns back, it sees that you’re stronger than it thought.
Its not an easy thing to defeat - to forget, to leave completely. Some part will forever remain with you, like a scar.
“I love you.”
That can be okay though. Depression is just another thing in this world one must overcome. Because none of us are completely powerless…and there is always a better escape than the one most taken.
“…Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
“Now faith is the substance of things hope for - the evidence of things not seen.”
1st John 4:4 and Hebrews 11:1
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