What if Noah had been just like the vast majority of today’s preachers? How would he have tried to win souls to the Lord? Imagine Noah facing a laughing, jeering crowd, doing his best to build bridges and turn friends into enemies.
“Friends and neighbors, what a beautiful day to be outside enjoying fresh air and exercise as we work to build something beautiful for God. Brothers, sisters, I’ve got great news for you. God has a WONDERFUL plan for your life. He loves you so very much. God is SO gentle, so loving. Never be afraid to come to Him anytime you’re feeling blue. He’s not mad at you. Aw. that’s just an old wives’ tale.
God knows you don’t know any better when you steal each other’s wives. He knows you don’t mean anything by it when you kill your neighbor, slander others or steal their property. You commit these little foibles because your parents didn’t buy enough candy for you when you were little. They’re the ones to blame. God knows how others have wounded your self-esteem so much you do things you regret later. But don’t dwell on negative junk. Instead, focus on your POSITIVE attributes. God wants to wipe away all your tears and reassure you of His UNCONDITIONAL good will toward you. You’re extremely precious in the sight of the Lord. You’re unique, and God so values your specialness He sent me here to tell you He loves you to bits. No matter what you’ve done, you can bank on that.
“Come on up and take My hand. My son Shem will write down all your details on a slate so we can send you some helpful hieroglyphics to assist you in your new walk of faith. And when we finish caulking the keel of this new 6,000-seater BLESSING BARGE, we’ll sit on this peaceful shore and wait for the tide to come in. Then we’ll all take a nice boat ride. By the way, this ministry is only made possible by YOUR faith contributions. My sons will pass the bucket around and collect your donation to fund the furnishings for our new BLESSING BARGE WORSHIP CENTER. This hallelujah yacht will feature plush pews, a bowling alley, a refreshment lobby, a bookstore, and a crystal choir loft full of musical monkeys. Our church will be a HAPPY CHURCH, so SMILE, GOD LOVES YOU!
“I know you guys have given us bad press for investing in this odd-looking contraption, but hey, let’s let bygones be bygones. God wants to make it as easy as possible for you to choose Him. You don’t want to miss out on all God has for you. To every person who pledges 5,000 clam shells to our ministry, we’ll pray for you to receive a BOATLOAD OF BLESSING miracle in your life. And as an extra bonus, you’ll also receive a hand-chiseled wall plaque commemorating YOUR act of sacrificial faith, to pass on from generation to generation…”
“Father!” Ham called. “We aren’t done waterproofing the boat yet, and it’s already sprinkling! What’ll we do?”
“Oh no,” Noah moaned. “Somebody in the crowd didn’t pay their tithe, so that’s why we didn’t meet our deadline for completing the project.”
Noah pointed at one man in the front row. “Ebenezer! YOU’RE the reason I ended up with a Titanic instead of an ark. If you weren’t such a stingy old Scrooge, I could have hired more men to get this project finished on time. It’s non-tithers like you who make shipwreck of the Lord’s work! No wonder the rain started early!”
“You’re a fine one to talk, Noah!” Ebenezer shot back. “You always preached ‘Whatever you give you receive’. Well, you watered down your preaching so much, you’re getting exactly what you deserve.”