I feel like I’m going through a divorce again because my first husband says he is getting married again, 32 years later. This will be his third, he said.
I have been reliving the past since I heard my first husband was planning to marry again. Renewing contact with him has been kind of like picking the brain of the murderer who got a life sentence instead of execution. I feel the need to figure the whole thing out after 32 years, to keep remembering why I left him in the first place, so I can finally put it behind me.
Many times over the past three decades, he has invited me to visit him in New York, where he has been trying to support himself as an actor, and where, he says, he has been active in a church. Recently, he said we were "still married" in the eyes of God and therefore should be able to engage in a sexual relationship without getting married again.
In 2008, when he came to visit me in Missouri, he was, oh, so romantic, stopping his car on the street and waltzing over to scoop me up in his arms. He even introduced me to the cashier at the barbecue joint as his “wife of 30 years.” He later told me by phone that he wasn’t dating any women because he knew he could not do so successfully. I thought that made sense, but the next thing he tells me is that he’s got a “fiancé.” He says he doesn’t remember telling me he wasn’t going to date any more.
I read his "testimony" on his blog about how he has "lived for Jesus since the age of 12" and now has "the woman God had for him since the beginning of time."
He completely left out the fact that he was not living for the Lord either when we were living together or when we were married. No mention on the blog of the second wife, either. He only told me he was a Christian after I got saved and approached him about reconciling our marriage, after which he immediately married a second woman, who later left him as well.
Right after I got saved in 1979 and called him, I remember saying to him how wonderful it would be to pray together.
“I can think of other things we could do together,” he said. That’s how dedicated he was to the Lord.
This week, I had emailed him several times and he had not replied. Finally I said, “I know you’re getting my emails and ignoring them,” and went on to tell him the reasons I divorced him. I thought this might help both him and me. For me, it helped me work through the pain that had resurfaced with a vengeance upon hearing the news of his pending remarriage. I was deluded by thinking he might be interested in thinking about what mistakes he made in his first marriage.
They were basically two: He was (1) not available emotionally and (2) not contributing financially, while he ran up the phone bill trying to make "deals" that never materialized. I was not serving the Lord at the time and did not realize these were not perhaps scriptural reasons to divorce.
He finally replied when I titled one email, "Mom says boo." His reply was, “I’m getting them, just not reading them...Don’t have the emotional reserves to read them now…(read about it on) my blog.”
"Illustrates my point," I emailed him back.
That's when I went to his blog and read his claims that he has "lived his life for Jesus Christ since the age of 12" and has now found "the woman God had for him since the beginning of time."
I know the second time he married, the time he changed his phone number immediately following our romantic reunion at Macy's the day after Thanksgiving in New York, he was going to “marry a fine Christian woman who is going to have my child.” I don’t know what happened to the child. But I know that marriage ended in divorce too.
Both his first wives left him, he said, and now both of them are calling him. He’s so proud of me. I’m such a wonderful Christian.
Will he get it? At least this makes it easier to let go. I really pray the recurring dreams stop.
You don't want to believe what is right in front of your face when it's someone you know and love. But the verse of scripture that rings out to me now is this one:
"But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived." (2 Timothy 3:13)