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Dear George,
I continue to be amazed at the continuing saga of our relationship as it both changes and stays the same. Maybe writing this letter will help me, at least, clarify some things for myself.
I was really struck by two things you said. First, you said you were never as "obsessed" as I was about the idea of us getting back together. "Obsessed" is not the word I would have chosen. Ever since I was born again (right before you married the second time), I always thought it was God's will for marriages to be reconciled. I still do. Some people even go so far as to call remarriage "legalized adultery."
I don't know if I would go that far, but the idea of remarriage as "legalized adultery" still resonates with me when I consider how we have always stayed in each other's lives, even when I tried to get you out after you sent me one of those emails telling me you were living with someone. Also when I consider the repeated marriages of my father.
I seem to be reliving my parents' nightmare, although without children, thank God. Even though my parents also remained friends (according to my mom), the other night she said she felt "sad" every time Dad remarried. He married four times with a live-in between number three and number four.
I know my mother still loves my father. You said your mother always loved your father. Everybody I know, it's always the first spouse they end up thinking about. That was before I was saved. I didn't know what my cousin meant when he said I would always go back in my heart to the first marriage, but now I do.
I think you think it was all my fault because I was unfaithful to you and hurt you. I have never heard the end of it. Never have you suggested there was anything you could have done differently. Also, what I have typically replied was always, "I wasn't saved," although there were reasons I guess we have really not talked about together. I have talked to other people about the reasons. But we have never talked about why I felt our marriage wasn't working, why I was unhappy, why I felt you had let me down.
I guess I thought it was just simpler to say, "I wasn't saved" and take all the blame, hoping that would be enough, rather than trying to talk about any issues with you, which never worked before. And I continued to pray that you would want to put Jesus first in your life and give him a chance to restore our marriage.
"Issues." There's that word again. Those are the same words my father used to say my mother was trying to make of something. "Making issues out of things," that's what he used to say.
I let go other potential relationships because Jesus was not first in their lives. When I realized you would have been content to have a sexual relationship with me thinking it was all right because we were "still married," I pretty much knew we weren't on the same page.
You have asked me, "Why did you divorce me?" and maybe I have not been completely candid with you about that either. I guess I felt you were just demanding an explanation rather than really wanting to know what mistakes you may have made. I would love to talk to you about why. I fear, however, that you might not really be interested.
I really feel that you would rather just have me take all the blame. I also think that you were just afraid to try again with me because it didn't work when we tried again in Nashville (before I was saved) and because you are afraid of being hurt again, which is understandable. However, with both of us serving God that would not have had to happen ever again.
I wish we could talk about the reasons because I think it would do us both good. However, I never had much luck getting you to talk about anything you didn't want to talk about. Instead, you liked to change the subject or act like you didn't know what I was talking about.
Clue: The fact that you would never talk about any problems was the main reaason I gave up on you and our marriage. That, and the fact that I was supporting you and paying the phone bill for all those long distance calls about "deals" that never materialized. The divorce was just to bury a dead horse, so to speak. Not saying that justifies adultery, but I was unsaved, and was already out of the marriage in my heart.
The second thing you said that struck me was what you said about "rocking chairs." You said I had done a good job of pitching the idea about growing old together in rocking chairs. That sounds like I was just thinking about "having someone to grow old with," doesn't matter who. Which I assume is what you want to do now. Who wants to grow old alone?
Anyway, I wish you well. How can I not? I will always love you but apparently you are never going to be interested in giving God a chance with us. I knew you were more comfortable keeping our relationship in the past where there would be no more possibility of hurt. But with relationships there are always hurts. People let each other down and have to work to stay together even in the best marriages.
I have known that you were comfortable leaving us in the past, even though in New York in 1993 and in Kansas City in 2008, the same attraction was there and the romance ("This is my wife of 30 years."). So when I heard you were getting married again it obviously hurt me. But so the cookie crumbles.
This time we're both old, so I hope this time it works out for you. I hope you don't have a repeat of number 1 and number 2. However, if you don't know what happened the first time, I don't know on what basis you will make this one work.
If you would like to talk about anything, let me know. I'm not saying that you were the only one to blame either but I think talking about the reasons would be helpful to both of us. I think hindsight can be pretty skewed, and I really wish I could get it into clearer view too if possible. It might not be possible, but that would be best in my opinion.
I hope you don't get hurt again, but if both of your first two wives left you, you might want to think about why. I would be willing to help you. I have no reason to want to hurt you. I hope you are blissfully happy ever after and I never see another email from you about some new girlfriend or wife or roommate or whatever. I will miss you though.
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