Is she in Hell because I was too uncomfortable to share Christ with her when she was alive? I functioned for 32 years of my life on the notion that I was good enough to get into heaven. Then God turned the little world I had built for myself on its head. Divorce #2 was my rock bottom moment. I was reading; Left Behind: A Novel of the Earth’s Last Days, trying to lose myself and numb the pain that I was feeling. Subconsciously, I was searching for answers to why my life had become such a wreck. That is how Christ found me; through a book. I realized I needed Him, and that without Him I would be in Hell; alone. I recognized that I had been functioning through life on my own, and that, is why my life was the wreck that it was. I admitted, believed, confessed and received Christ minutes after reading about salvation. Through that process, on my knees, in my living room, I cried out and purged 32 years of pain. And then it was gone. I felt freed and for the first time ever, I didn’t feel alone. I felt safe. I felt saved. I had hope. I knew I would be able to move forward because I had Christ with me.
I pushed to try to and salvage my marriage, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I would “make” this man love me! Throughout our marriage, I had unkind thoughts toward his ex-wife. John and Valerie spoke almost every day. He said it was about their kids, but I knew they talked about a lot of other things as well, me included. I was insecure and I projected that onto them, and through that process, I withdrew from him because I felt rejected. This just caused them to talk more. By the time we divorced, I hated Valerie. But Christ began to change my heart and in that process I began to see Valerie’s heart and we became friends. John, Valerie, her husband, her brother and his wife all decided they wanted to go to Vegas. They all loved Vegas and John didn’t want to be the odd man out so he invited me to tag along. Valerie and I were like two peas in a pod for those 4 days. Her health was bad, she had Crohns disease and had also taken that diet drug phen-fen years before. As a result, of taking that drug, she had to have a heart valve replaced, so she was on a lot of medication. On a good day, she felt bad. While the others went shopping and sight-seeing we sat at the blackjack table and played cards for hours, which is possible when you play at the $3 dollar tables and bet the minimum. We literally sat for up to 8 hours at a time, playing, talking, laughing, and getting to know one another. When we all returned from Vegas Valerie was admitted into the hospital, and I left on business. She died while I was away.
After her death I stopped trying to make John love me and I let him go. Three years later, at peace with whatever God had in store for my future; to be a wife again one day, or to be single forever, #3 came by special delivery from Christ himself. More than a year later, after Quint and I got married, he had to go to Vegas on a business trip and I got to tagalong. Years after Valerie’s death I found myself back in Vegas, and all those memories of her came flooding back. I thought I was done grieving, but just hours after landing, alone in our hotel room, the tears came flooding back. While I was away in Vegas, I grieved for Valerie’s soul. Is she in Hell because I was too uncomfortable to share Christ with her?
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