by Kathy Barnes
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Lord, why did you make emotions? They cause my life to bounce around as if I was riding on a roller coaster with it highs, lows, sharp turns, and drops. I feel all shaken up inside. More days than not, they just get in my way. It is a constant fight, do I give in to what I feel; or bury them deep inside and march forward anyway. Some days I know the reason why I feel the way I do, but other days I donít have a clue.
Today, I feel like weeping, and I am fighting back the tears, the pain, the anger, the frustration and hopelessness of my circumstances. Every event seems to trigger more fears, that life will not get any better. My soul is trapped inside a black hole; its gravity is so great that no light of joy can escape from its cold, dark, forbidding grip. It blinds me, so that I cannot see the promise of a future. Its grim hands hold me in this inhospitable sinister place. I gasp for air and struggle to break free from the chains of my emotions for if I cease to fight; it will encompass, and overpower me. If I surrender, I will dye crushed beneath it weight.
Lord, is this the weight you felt upon the cross? Is this the weight that made you walk up Cavalryís hill, knowing that you alone had capability of bearing this yoke of sorrows?
I feel other emotions too, that I donít like to admit or acknowledge;
envy, hate, bitterness, greed, pride and shame. I push them down inside, hoping that they will go away, so no one will see the real me. I contain it for a little while, then that last drop of water breaks the dam, and rivers of unsightly, hideous, obnoxious, and disgusting thoughts explode out of my heart wreaking havoc on anything in its path. These vile foul smelling emotions nauseate and repulse even me, and only adding to my shame for they display none of the spirit fruit, and give Satan cause for glee. This film of slime covers me, and I cannot free myself of its malevolent iniquity.
Lord, You know better than anyone else the cost of these sinful emotions. They eat the soul from the inside. Slowly, it destroys my body and mind. Why were you willing to trade your robe of white for my filthy rags? How Your Father must have hurt, when He watched you put them on.
The emotions of sadness and loss, also grieve my soul. There are people I know are hurting in pain and those that have already passed on to a second life. A few I am happy for, because I know that they are in a better place and it pained me to watch them suffer. Others the emptiness and loss leaves me despondent for I do not believe that they know You. Their fate leaves me distressed and in anguish. My kidís make bad decisions, and I mourn the pain of the consequence of those choices.
Lord, You were willing to know the sadness and loss of Lazarus, so that you might know how to comfort me. When you saw my bad decisions leading me straight toward Hell, Your compassion offered up a bridge of love to span the gap. Oh, how the Fatherís heart must have broke and ached with pain and agony watching the grief and suffering of his son. Why, oh Lord, where You willing to take these emotions?
Lord, why is it bad emotions seem to linger? Why is it happy emotions of delight, joy, wonder, contentment, and love seem so quickly to fade? If the shepherds and the angels rejoice at the finding of a lost sheep, then You know the celebrations of heaven. I need you to release some of that joy in me.
I guess without bad emotions, I would not know good emotions. If I had never known the valley, then I could not cherish the mountainís top. There are times; I wish that I had no emotions, for they cause me pain.
But, Lord, if I felt no emotions, then how would I recognize Your love. It is the greatest of all emotions; it is the essence of your being. So strong is Your love; that it reaches across time and space to make its presence known. You are ever true, faithful, kind, and good. Your love does not think of its own needs, but of mine. Love asks, ĎWhat can I do for You?Ē not ďWhat can You do for me?Ē You are never too busy, or so far away that You cannot find the time to listen to my heart. What I think and feel matters to you.
Your love does not give up because I fail, or if I donít get it right the first time. You do not get mad and storm off, when I insist on having my own way. But patiently waits for me to come to my senses. Your loveís arms hold me tight, pulling me to its bosom. It cradles me like a newborn babe, comforting me, while it wipes away my tears. In my ears it whispers, ďTrust me. I know you donít understand, but I know best. I will work everything out for good.Ē My heart is filled with peace that gives me rest, despite the trials.
As I surrender at my belovedís feet; joy, delight, happiness, and ecstasy rush through my soul thrilling it with pure elation. Your love is perfect in every way and completes my soulís desires. It frees my heart from the chains of depression, and breaks every curse spoken over me. Your love taste is so sweet. I hunger for more. Your love is a deep and endless well from which I draw my strength. Itís capable of quenching my thirst and desire for love. One second with You is enough to confirm that I am made for this. You make life worth living. You are all that matters.
I thank You for emotions. I thank You for Your love.
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Your pain hurt my heart. I could feel your despair. This seems vaguely familiar to me, was part of this in the challenge? Anyhow you did a good job asking some hard questions and God does want you to carry on and continue counting on him.
Amen,amen in the midst of it all Jesus is there holding us and loving us through it all.Very good post I truly enjoyed the read and can truly indentify with your words. Love you :D